Recent dates with 2 people

I dated 2 people recently, I'm trying to work through what I'm thinking and feeling about it.

Last weekend, I took the bus four hours to meet a woman I've been messaging/videochatting with for about a month. I've done a few of these semi-long-distance first dates now. Inevitably, you end up spending A LOT of time with that person, way more than you would with someone local. When one person has to travel three to five hours to get to the other, they rarely want to turn around and drive right back. Plus, you want to take enough time to figure out if this person is worth pursuing, given the distance. It makes dating rather intense right off the bat. In my experience, these long-distance first-meets inevitably become little mini vacations for one person, the other person ends up playing host. It's a very different dynamic from two people in the same city popping out for a glass of wine.
 
I remember the first time I let someone drive down to meet me, soon after I'd separated from hubby, I was feeling desperate for a date, we didn't even videochat first. Dumb. What showed up was nothing like on the profile. I tried to make the best of it, but I could not wait for that guy to get out of my town. He drove like 7 hours and spent money on a hotel room for nothing. I've smartened up since then.

I'd messaged and videochatted enough to know this woman was nice, interesting, and we could hold a conversation. I already suspected I might not be physically attracted, but figured I'd give it a chance, sometimes one can get attracted to people who aren't one's "type" physically. I guessed we'd enjoy each other's company even if we weren't romantically combustible, and with valentine's day depression looming, what the heck. I took a couple shifts off from work, reserved a room, and went.

We had lunch, then sat around my hotel talking. We went deep with our conversation. She is a lovely person, but seems young for her age (8 years younger than me) not grounded. Frankly, she doesn't seem to have the ability or resources to date anyone seriously right now. She's living with her sister's family and starting a new career from the bottom. As far as I could see, she has at least a year before getting her own place and getting off the night shift. 

Recently, one of my besties pointed out that I surround myself with "alpha women," and I've been thinking about that a lot. I do tend to have friends and girlfriends with BIG personalities. I don't consider myself an alpha female, but on the other hand, my own personality holds its own against theirs. Anyway, this woman was not like that, she prefers to deflect attention. She mentioned her mom had narcissistic tendencies. Also, she still seems to be in pain from the end of a long-term relationship 6 years ago. 

Then we went to dinner, then a lesbian karaoke meetup and mingled. By then it was late, she'd had drinks and my hotel was close to the bar, so she stayed over. Nothing happened. I made no overtures, nor did she. The next morning, we went to brunch and walked around a bit, then it was time for me to go. It was a LONG, exhausting, and expensive date, but I can rest assured she isn't a match, and I had fun and made a new friend, so no regrets.

I'm thinking from here on, if I even SUSPECT I might not spark with someone, and they live in another city, I'm not going to bother meeting up with them. I'm all for widening my dating pool, but it's just too much time, energy, money, etc., and so often I'm finding I can tell if we'll have chemistry even before we meet.

Now, the other dating situation involves-- a MAN!

I've been hesitant to date men as I seem to form deeper attachments to women, but something keeps me open to them. This is a local guy, we met on Facebook. We don't have any good friends in common, just acquaintances. We decided to meet on Valentine's day---a bit loaded, I know, but that was honestly the first night we weren't both busy. 

We totally vibed, made real conversation. Drinks turned into dinner. He's tall, snazzy dresser, big smile, laughs easily, seems at once empathetic and masculine. Totally my type, down to being "heteroflexible" and interested in ethical non-monogamy. At one point in my life I very much identified as polyamorous, but lately I've felt more monogam-ish, so we'll see how that plays out if we made it as far as relationship negotiations. I let him know that even if he's dating others, I need a LOT of attention, lol. It's funny, he wears the male version of the scent I wear. 
 
He is 5 years younger than me, has an established career, owns a house. Doesn't drink, healthy eater, loves the outdoors. He has two ex wives (!) and two kids, early teens (!!) I'm not sure yet how often they stay with him, (reminder to self I need to ask.) That's twice as many failed marriages as me, and I've never seriously dated anyone with children. So maybe these are red flags? Maybe not?

He's confident but not arrogant, he put everything out there with honesty even if it's not pretty, and I love how strongly he steps up for me. He told me at the end of our first date how much he hoped to see me again, told me what he liked about me (and it was about ME, not my looks) and so far he has been consistent and excited about getting to know me without making me feel pressured or like I'm being lovebombed. It feels so nice to have someone move towards me at a pace I'm comfortable with, given so many experiences recently where that wasn't the case. We went to dinner again a couple nights ago, and we are seeing each tonight, dinner and a show. He just texted me to let me know how much he's looking forward to it and ask if I wanted him to pick me up. 

Still, I find myself ruminating about the exgf who dumped me. I'm stuck on imagining the way I felt in her arms back before she shut down on me. I'm worried I cannot feel that for a man, so I'll end up leaving him, the way I left my ex husband. I've been rereading HE'S SCARED, SHE'S SCARED, it's helpful on making me call myself out on some of my b.s..