Post by BunnyEars on Mar 8, 2020 7:11:51 GMT -8
Ugh, I'm truly embarrassed by my behavior last night. I got really drunk, and acted out.
The triggers: my dear friend visiting town has an awesome new girlfriend and I'm envious of their girl-on-girl happiness. I'm also feeling confused because I seem to be developing emotions for the man I'm dating, when I've been fairly certain for a while now that I lean more towards women. I'm struggling to reconcile this with my queer identity, which is only visible to the world when I'm in relationships with women (hello bisexual erasure.) I'm hesitant to get in a straight relationship, worried that a big part of who I am will be stifled/lost, or I'll be settling if I choose a man.
So all this is going on in my head. I was in a performance this weekend, and last night a bunch of my friends came. I was coming off the high from performing, and after the show, my friends and I went to karaoke and I'd forgotten to eat dinner and got really drunk. Two men I've slept with were at the bar (ah the joys of island life.) The first was a too-young guy I had a one night stand with several months ago who never called me again, which was fine I knew he was just for funsies. Last night I let him tell me how much he "misses me" and wants to see me again, and I didn't tell him to f**k off despite the fact that I'm already seeing a guy who is age-appropriate and actually DOES call/message every single day. I really don't need anyone in my back pocket.
The second guy there last night is my ex boyfriend, we were together for about 8 months five years ago, right after I separated from my husband. I've referred to him on this forum as "Peter Pan." He was literally wearing his tee shirt that says "Emotionally Unavailable," lol. He and I have a complicated history of being sometimes friends, sometimes friends-with-benefits, sometimes not speaking to each other. I recently told myself that I was permanently DONE with him, after he tried to booty call me at thanksgiving, then got angry and cancelled our dinner plans the next day when I didn't comply. DOUBLE-DONE with him when a month ago, I ran into him at karaoke with his new girlfriend, and he slipped away from her and tried to hit on me (I told him off.) So what did I do last night?
Well, first, I made out with a gay guy. It was a weird thing to do, I mean, the guy is a good friend and I love him, he's adorable, but wtf? One of my bottom lines is that I do NOT want to be sexual in public. Ok, maybe this didn't qualify as sexual, but I still feel like I made a spectacle of myself. That's not who I am anymore.
Then, the coup d' grace: First, I told Peter Pan about the great guy new guy I'm dating. Then, I told Peter Pan he was a jerk and I shouldn't even talk to him. Then, I turned around and asked him to take me home.
I could kick myself!! Thank goddess he was thoroughly disgusted with me and said no. Then I got home, and started drunk texting people at 1:30am. I texted the guy I'm dating ("Wish you were here") I texted Peter Pan ("Thanks for not taking advantage of me tonight") I texted young guy ("You have my number use it") I even texted the last woman I went on a date with and friendzoned ("You up?")
Ugh! I know it could've been much worse. I didn't text any hardcore POA's, not ex gf or recent EU woman, no one I ruminate about. I ultimately went home alone, no harm no foul. I had a little meltdown, took some asprin and went to bed. None of this is the end of the world. I'm just really embarrassed, I haven't slipped like this in a while.
The triggers: my dear friend visiting town has an awesome new girlfriend and I'm envious of their girl-on-girl happiness. I'm also feeling confused because I seem to be developing emotions for the man I'm dating, when I've been fairly certain for a while now that I lean more towards women. I'm struggling to reconcile this with my queer identity, which is only visible to the world when I'm in relationships with women (hello bisexual erasure.) I'm hesitant to get in a straight relationship, worried that a big part of who I am will be stifled/lost, or I'll be settling if I choose a man.
So all this is going on in my head. I was in a performance this weekend, and last night a bunch of my friends came. I was coming off the high from performing, and after the show, my friends and I went to karaoke and I'd forgotten to eat dinner and got really drunk. Two men I've slept with were at the bar (ah the joys of island life.) The first was a too-young guy I had a one night stand with several months ago who never called me again, which was fine I knew he was just for funsies. Last night I let him tell me how much he "misses me" and wants to see me again, and I didn't tell him to f**k off despite the fact that I'm already seeing a guy who is age-appropriate and actually DOES call/message every single day. I really don't need anyone in my back pocket.
The second guy there last night is my ex boyfriend, we were together for about 8 months five years ago, right after I separated from my husband. I've referred to him on this forum as "Peter Pan." He was literally wearing his tee shirt that says "Emotionally Unavailable," lol. He and I have a complicated history of being sometimes friends, sometimes friends-with-benefits, sometimes not speaking to each other. I recently told myself that I was permanently DONE with him, after he tried to booty call me at thanksgiving, then got angry and cancelled our dinner plans the next day when I didn't comply. DOUBLE-DONE with him when a month ago, I ran into him at karaoke with his new girlfriend, and he slipped away from her and tried to hit on me (I told him off.) So what did I do last night?
Well, first, I made out with a gay guy. It was a weird thing to do, I mean, the guy is a good friend and I love him, he's adorable, but wtf? One of my bottom lines is that I do NOT want to be sexual in public. Ok, maybe this didn't qualify as sexual, but I still feel like I made a spectacle of myself. That's not who I am anymore.
Then, the coup d' grace: First, I told Peter Pan about the great guy new guy I'm dating. Then, I told Peter Pan he was a jerk and I shouldn't even talk to him. Then, I turned around and asked him to take me home.
I could kick myself!! Thank goddess he was thoroughly disgusted with me and said no. Then I got home, and started drunk texting people at 1:30am. I texted the guy I'm dating ("Wish you were here") I texted Peter Pan ("Thanks for not taking advantage of me tonight") I texted young guy ("You have my number use it") I even texted the last woman I went on a date with and friendzoned ("You up?")
Ugh! I know it could've been much worse. I didn't text any hardcore POA's, not ex gf or recent EU woman, no one I ruminate about. I ultimately went home alone, no harm no foul. I had a little meltdown, took some asprin and went to bed. None of this is the end of the world. I'm just really embarrassed, I haven't slipped like this in a while.