I want to pick up on something LovelyJune said in the Newcomers thread:
“I think one of the most important lessons I ever learned came from a very bad therapist who happened to leave me with one solid piece of advice: what you want in life is in direct proportion to what you think you "deserve" in life. And it seems you think you deserve abuse. People who allow abuse, have typically come from home situations of abuse...”
At first, I didn’t really understand this. What I want in life (love, friends, a home and family, in my case) is directly proportional to what I think I deserve?
I realized I’m not sure what I “deserve.” One part of me says that I deserve the things I want. Then there’s another part of me that’s pessimistic and thinks it will never happen.
The pessimistic part blames me for not having what I want. It’s my own fault because something is intrinsically wrong with me. It’s my own fault because I have done bad things in the past. (OK, I have an addiction, but let’s not use it as an excuse.)
The pessimistic part turns scolding and judgmental. I never know when I have it good. I need to shut up when I don’t like something, and be grateful for the good things I do have.
And then after that part of my mind is through with me, I cry and feel like a little kid who wanted comfort and affection from her parents, and got scolded and told not to complain instead.
Last Edit: Mar 31, 2020 5:35:22 GMT -8 by RoseNadler
What if….I could do Step Three BEFORE my life becomes a total disaster?
Post by beckybjl777 on Jan 18, 2021 7:51:18 GMT -8
Yes, I identify with this. Trying to ask for what I want and feeling guilty about it is definitely a pattern I have experienced for a while. And another 12-step called adult child of alcoholics there is some hope mentioned about being our own loving parent. Instead of trying to find ways outside of ourselves to meet our needs we can actually meet our needs for ourselves and reparent ourselves. This has been one of the most liberating and healing things for me. To stop looking outside of myself to get my needs met. My higher power and me are becoming more unified in meeting my needs.