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Post by gr8ful on Apr 19, 2020 14:28:21 GMT -8
I stopped all communications with my qualifier a little over 5 weeks ago. The longing to hear her voice and "pick up where we left off" has not eased. I realize it will probably take a lot more time and work on myself for relief to come.
A big part of me wants to share about how unavailable she was, how she gave me mixed messages, etc.
But the truth is, I know I will never be healthy enough for a relationship, let alone dating, until I do a lot more work on myself.
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Post by sexlessw on Apr 20, 2020 4:10:41 GMT -8
Greatful:
Perhaps you don't miss HER (your Q/PoA). Perhaps you miss the feelings she gave you.
Trust me, many of us want to share how unavailable our PoAs were, the mixed messages, the disrespect we felt from them...
Do you have these things written out? "Q did this. I felt this. Q did that. I felt this. There was this time that Q pulled this and I went and did..."
Whenever I feel like wanting to reach out to my xOM, I have LISTS of things he did. Followed up by my ranting about it and how I felt about what he was doing - or not doing. Heck, I have entire threads on this board with my rantings (!!!). All I need to do is pull out the pages I'd written and read what he'd done. The reality IS if I chose to pick up that phone - I would get the same result with the same feelings. After nearly 15 years.
Choosing your self work over the fantasy of what Q/PoA can give you is the right thing to do. It's only been FIVE weeks. You did the right, albeit DIFFICULT thing by going hard-core NC. Once out of your life, the only person you can focus on is YOU. Until you know the reasons why you act and feel as you do, you cannot be a healthy partner to somebody else.
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lianita24
Full Member
Russian Liaison
Posts: 130
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Post by lianita24 on Jun 4, 2020 5:44:30 GMT -8
I always write down these situation by plan: 1. Situation 2. I was thinking 3. My feelings 4. what I did. 5. My powerlessness in this situation 6. Feelings of my Inner Child 7. My Critical Parent inside of me said: 8. My Loving Parent inside of me said. 9. What is Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs  10. What Traps I dropped down? (Landry list, traps list, etc. 11. How I can recover from Traps? |
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 5, 2020 9:31:12 GMT -8
Thank you for the Plan Pyramid of Feelings (for lack of a better term). To me, this is helpful.
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