When you just come to recovery groups in 12 steps, you can describe your first feelings that have arisen from life in a "dependent crazy environment" (family or work) as feelings from the “ashamed”, “guilty” or “scared” column from the chart. In the middle of recovery, you can feel the emotions from the “sad” column, but nevertheless, most of us have the desire and willingness to go to the “joy” and “prosperity” column. How to achieve this?
The best answer is to take 12 steps and do it consciously, writing down the answers in a notebook, study your Inner World and change your attitude to the World, to understanding yourself and the Laws of Being.
When I began to go to the groups, I felt that I was trembling, as if I had put my hand in an electrical outlet and I was shocked and I had no strength to pull my hand away from the electrical outlet. I could not understand what was happening. Only later I did realize that all my life I had the whole list of feelings from the table (and this is probably about 50 different feelings), but I could not express them all my life, because in my parental family I was forbidden to have feelings and pronounce them out loud!
I began to discern my feelings and have the courage to pronounce them out loud in meetings only after 8 months! Probably the prohibitions in my head and the frozen feelings were so strong! After going thru 12 steps and writing them down in a notebook, I began to understand that I was no longer fluttering, I could take out 2 of my fingers from the electrical outlet, I can live my own feelings, not the feelings of my parental family, the feelings of all my grooms, boyfriends or feelings imposed on me from outside (at work or in society). I feel the feelings from the sadness column. I am sad that my family remained dysfunctional, I am sad that my boyfriend drank too much, froze his legs, lying drunk in the snow, his legs were amputated and later he died of gangrene. I wanted to marry him, but I had the courage to let him go, to give him the opportunity to live his life and make his life choices. I am sad that he made his choice and died, but I continue to go to recovery from co-dependence and from my family dysfunction.
Last Edit: Jun 22, 2020 7:08:10 GMT -8 by lianita24
Do you have this filled out for yourself? The chart, then your personal "answers" to the questions posed?
Yes. I am going to do. I had so many answers, I wrote them in my notebook on russian. All I need to put that from handwriting to computer and translate. Or maybe write it down 1 more time? I will do it. I try to start every day. I am so lazy. But i will do it these week.
Situation 1. I met a man when I was 4 .. years old. I fell in love with him. He was very loving, soft, gentle, active, cheerful and sunny. He had all those traits which I never had in my parental family. My mom may have been a malignant narcissist , my dad was an alcoholic. My mother could swear for hours using a filthy language . I really needed affectionы, hugs, and gentle words (this never happened in my childhood!). After 3 meetings and my declaration of love to him, he tells me that he does not want to cheat on his wife, he becomes cold to me, he answers to all my text messages in one or two words, he says that he feels guilty even if he just answer to my text messages. When I asked him to be in my life, he only began to answer me briefly, got away from me, became cold.
Thoughts: He is smart and kind. I want to have him in my life as a frend. I want to have more joyful and happy people in my life. I want to be cuddled and squeezed, I want have hugs every day!
Actions. I set boundaries, took pauses. He did not accept my boundaries. I cried for 3 months. I stopped use make up, launched myself, I stopped care about myself, I lost my self-esteem at all.
Powerlessness. I am powerless to make him communicate with me. I am powerless when I do not hear the answer "yes" or "no" to my boundaries. I get crazy about it. I am powerless to make him to hear me, I am powerless to make him give me the hugs that I lacked as a child.
Feelings of an Inner Child. I want to sit on the laps . I need kindness, I want a lot of hugs, I want to be loved, needed, important.
What is Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs which were not satisfied/ I need to be loved, I'm not alone, I am respected, recognize me, there is no self-actualization.
A Critical Parent. He doesn’t need you, he is rich but you are poor, he is smart, busy, successful but you are not. You're generally crazy, fall in love at the age of 4 .. years !! You act like a 16 year old teenager. Fool!
A Loving Parent. He boasts all the time, he does not need you. He hurts you, leave him alone, my girl, and find someone who will not hurt you. You have a wonderful husband who loves you, he saved your life when you got cancer - neck sarcoma and doctors from 3 hospitals could not save your life.
Traps. I’m afraid to talk about my feelings, I am moving away from a person, giving him significance.
I am indignant at the behavior and actions of another person, endowing him with significance in order not to see the need to change herself.
I am leaving myself.
I react to the actions of other people, circumstances, act out of fear.
Recognize your feelings and speak them in a safe environment (possibly in a support group for 12 Steps). Yes, I spoke to him later for 3-4 months, he asked me for forgiveness but I felt better only for 1-2 months. I still can’t forgive him for changing his Great Love to coldness and indifference. I see him as my mother - the narcissist and I became afraid to trust all men. I talked about my critical situation to fellow travelers, it became easier for me, but I still continue to speak about it in order to express my feelings and live them behind.
I need to check what hurts me and what I need to change in myself so as not to perceive the situation painfully - to have more kind, nice people in my life, ask my support groups to give me hugs more often, ask my husband to rub my body more and give me hugs, prescribe and speak my children's unexpressed emotions of grief and uselessness, to live my pain in a confidential atmosphere (with a sponsor or with fellow traveler), give my powerlessness to the Higher Power, acknowledge my powerlessness in this situation, let go of control.
Conduct meditations to meet with my Inner Child, establish contact with her, show love and tenderness for my Inner Child, give her the love and affection that my parents did not have, become a Loving Parent to myself (and for this I need to go on the program ACA or LLA).
Start acting on the basis of my own motivation, movement towards prosperity, pro-activity - enroll in a Golg gym, do workouts 1 hour per day, re-open my own business, draw up a business plan, attend free seminars on etsy.com and instagram, learn how to act, not react. How?
Last Edit: Jun 26, 2020 17:55:02 GMT -8 by lianita24
I have been wondering if the admin will allow you to post it in Russian first, maybe the following piece could be the English one. Though google translate is not an optimum solution, in my humble opinion. I would love to read a Russian language version provided it's allowed.