Post by RoseNadler on Jun 8, 2020 5:26:09 GMT -8
I recently heard from two friends from the past, and I feel like my fear of intimacy is being tested.
Friend #1 - A woman about 10 years older than me (I’ll call her K), whom I first met at a job 18 years ago. We’ve been in contact off and on ever since then, and she has tried to help me when I’ve been job hunting.
I follow a Twitter account for people who think they might not be neurotypical (think they might have Asperger’s, ADHD, something like that.) I’ve responded to that account’s posts on the topic of having trouble making and keeping friends. K (who follows me on Twitter) saw one of those posts - and seems to be applying it to our friendship.
Long story short - I knew we sort of liked each other, but I felt like we were “lite friends.” I like K, and wouldn’t mind hanging out once in a while - but I don’t want to do it 24/7. Through these tweets, I feel like K is trying to reach out to me and try for a stronger friendship. And I’m scared. I get scared every time somebody likes me a lot and wants more of my time and more of my “realness.” I knew she liked me, but I didn’t know she liked me THAT much.
Friend #2 - a man about 8-10 years younger than me. When L and I started having problems, I joined an online group for people in sexless marriages. That group is a great resource - IF leaving the sexless relationship and being on your own is a good fit for you. I tried that, and it turned out to be terrible for me. After I had moved out on my own, everything in my life went to absolute s h i t - and I learned that although I’m introverted, it’s bad for me to be on my own.
Anyway - this morning I had an email from this friend (I’ll call him R.) I was a fairly prolific writer in that group for a while. He has now written a book about his experiences and that group, and he mentions me in it. (Luckily, not by name. I’m not sure he even knows my real name. I never use my real name online for anything except job-hunting. Thank god I’m slightly paranoid, ha ha!)
I would like to answer R. and just tell him candidly that our previous group’s advice turned out to be bad for me, after all. Being on my own was a total crock of s—-, and I was close to losing my sanity. (And I was acting out, in active addiction, while I was involved with that group.)
Now, a few years later, I’ve come to realize that I have an addiction; I just can’t do relationships without even thinking about it, the way other people do. For most of the people in that group, leaving their partner and going out on their own was great. For me, it was terrible. I almost had a nervous breakdown from living on my own. If my relationship with L doesn’t work out - I still don’t want to live alone again. After the last time, I’m afraid to. IF that happens, I plan to look for a roommate or a group house or something like that.
It’s highly ironic - I’m introverted, with a fear of intimacy - yet I’m afraid to live alone.
And, I want to tell R the truth about this, and about what I’ve been doing the past few years. He was a good friend (strictly platonic - there was never a “vibe” between us, and I also considered his then-girlfriend, S, to be a friend. R told me in this new email that he and S broke up about six months ago.)
TL;DR
I’m afraid of intimacy and getting close to people. Two friends from the past have recently approached me. I want to be authentic with them - and I’m afraid.
Friend #1 - A woman about 10 years older than me (I’ll call her K), whom I first met at a job 18 years ago. We’ve been in contact off and on ever since then, and she has tried to help me when I’ve been job hunting.
I follow a Twitter account for people who think they might not be neurotypical (think they might have Asperger’s, ADHD, something like that.) I’ve responded to that account’s posts on the topic of having trouble making and keeping friends. K (who follows me on Twitter) saw one of those posts - and seems to be applying it to our friendship.
Long story short - I knew we sort of liked each other, but I felt like we were “lite friends.” I like K, and wouldn’t mind hanging out once in a while - but I don’t want to do it 24/7. Through these tweets, I feel like K is trying to reach out to me and try for a stronger friendship. And I’m scared. I get scared every time somebody likes me a lot and wants more of my time and more of my “realness.” I knew she liked me, but I didn’t know she liked me THAT much.
Friend #2 - a man about 8-10 years younger than me. When L and I started having problems, I joined an online group for people in sexless marriages. That group is a great resource - IF leaving the sexless relationship and being on your own is a good fit for you. I tried that, and it turned out to be terrible for me. After I had moved out on my own, everything in my life went to absolute s h i t - and I learned that although I’m introverted, it’s bad for me to be on my own.
Anyway - this morning I had an email from this friend (I’ll call him R.) I was a fairly prolific writer in that group for a while. He has now written a book about his experiences and that group, and he mentions me in it. (Luckily, not by name. I’m not sure he even knows my real name. I never use my real name online for anything except job-hunting. Thank god I’m slightly paranoid, ha ha!)
I would like to answer R. and just tell him candidly that our previous group’s advice turned out to be bad for me, after all. Being on my own was a total crock of s—-, and I was close to losing my sanity. (And I was acting out, in active addiction, while I was involved with that group.)
Now, a few years later, I’ve come to realize that I have an addiction; I just can’t do relationships without even thinking about it, the way other people do. For most of the people in that group, leaving their partner and going out on their own was great. For me, it was terrible. I almost had a nervous breakdown from living on my own. If my relationship with L doesn’t work out - I still don’t want to live alone again. After the last time, I’m afraid to. IF that happens, I plan to look for a roommate or a group house or something like that.
It’s highly ironic - I’m introverted, with a fear of intimacy - yet I’m afraid to live alone.
And, I want to tell R the truth about this, and about what I’ve been doing the past few years. He was a good friend (strictly platonic - there was never a “vibe” between us, and I also considered his then-girlfriend, S, to be a friend. R told me in this new email that he and S broke up about six months ago.)
TL;DR
I’m afraid of intimacy and getting close to people. Two friends from the past have recently approached me. I want to be authentic with them - and I’m afraid.