How to Handle Limited Contact Without Losing Dignity

Thank you for a valuable advice. I would drive all the way to his work, he sees me outside and gives me a check. I did warn this woman in writing, vividly explaining what my thoughts were etc. She obviously disregarded and told him. He exploded and put a hold on his $1200 check, called me up and threw a show, I am pretty sure, in front of her ( he signed a lease when already staying with her, btw). Two days later he started texting me how much I needed etc and asked me to come and get another check, instead of the one he put a stop a payment on. It was a much bigger check: I was able to pay rent and my car payment. So, now he is actively lying to the new flame who really did not listen to me. By him signing a rental lease for the whole year and paying for it: I'm sure, this is control and incessant admiration issue. Yesterday the tune rapidly changed. He texted that she got fired, most likely, the management found out about the affair on premises: remember, it was happening in a very small work environment, it is an assisted living place, where he is a chef and she might be a nurse, not sure. There was lots of unnecessary drama already and I think, it will never end, if I continue to depend on him. I realize that I must keep it super polite and neutral but so far, it was not too successful. My boundaries lapse and I react instead of keeping it cool.At the same time, in these 8 weeks I feel better and look better. Started exercise and feel the difference , less stress and more calm and serene.

Thank you again, I really appreciate your support. I will find out for sure soon what it is true and whatnot- when I am going to pick up another check which is due this Friday. Hate is a very strong emotion and I typically do not hate anyone, but his constant enturbulation does cause anxiety - I am aware of his lousy intention to mess people up and yet I hate driving up there and see his face and attitude. He is a heavy texter and he did have a meltdown texting how she lost her job( says she makes 150 year- ya, right, she lives in an actual ghetto( Waukegan,IL for those who is familiar with the area) I saw her" accommodations: when I dropped my write up). The lease started on June 5, 2020.

I do not work a regular job. I do interpreting and translation from Russian/English, tutor English and Russian, lots of USCIS submissions for those who needs it but overall the market has shrunk dramatically.

Limited Contact is always complicated. I chose LC for my relationship with my son because I still love him. I keep as far away as I can and barely stay in touch for now. When we have business I insist on email because when we talk he is very persuasive. I hope someday he stops being angry for refusing to enable him, but I have put this in God's hands.

Be aloof when you have to be in his company. Have him leave the rent in an envelope. Don't hang out in the living room. Get a tv for your bedroom. Cook when he is out of the house.

The main thing is to get him out of your head. That is the hard part.

I think, with him, I am ambivalent. The minute I found out that he dared to start an affair at work with someone at least 20 years if not more, his junior, I got angry, angry off.I would have been fine had I rejected him finally myself, which I wanted to do one million times, getting tired of tantrums, up and mostly downs, lies, deceits, manipulations. My financial dependence on him is a major obstacle at this point. It almost like he has been paying me( though he was staying with me and enjoyed all the benefits of a warm and nice home) for being a narcissist/alcoholic with antisocial traits with overlapping borderline. I did tell him to cut this stuff out many times.Which makes me co-dependent.

You are absolutely right: he is a seductive withholder and he did, as a matter of fact, this weekend ask for his clothes.I packed all his things up and it is ready to get out of my house. Once my kid goes to her dad, I will take it downstairs for him to pick it up. There will be no contact, no talking. That thought, about a pertinent back burner did cross my mind however, he became kinda rude with this heavy texting last weekend which is rather unusual for him. I was thinking the way he was eager to pay up might have been an indicative of that but no. If she lost her job because they got busted at work for having an affair at work, he might need his money now to pay her expenses: he cannot afford two households. Whatever it is, no come back allowed. I am very relieved that he is gone. I am upset about the nasty and ugly way he did it but overall, he did me a favor. I was thinking about codependency for awhile and this is a perfect opportunity to address it. My main objective is to gain financial independence and I am allocating a 6 month time frame for that.By him giving me money and, in fact, having signed a lease with me while already being with a new woman, it may mean only that: 1. he lies to her already 2. keeps controlling me because it gives him an ego boost. So, this is the time for me to concentrate on me and learn a new pattern of behavior. Thank you again for your wisdom, Susannah.

I was thinking, while going over and over first two steps( Powerlessness and Faith) about prior incidents. I do not have any exact recollections of events of my dad being emotionally unavailable. like precise moments: he did this, he did not do that- nothing. Even now, being an adult, I know he was. How to handle this? Also I came to realize that I had never witnessed any signs of affection between my parents.

2. His new woman did lose her job because of this affair. Yet, he continues helping me behind her back. How screwed up he really is? He gives me more money now and no questions asked than when we were living together.

He would have a tantrum every other Friday when I presented him with a number. But, I never asked for more than we needed and never ever misused the funds on something inappropriate. I was running my house like a clock.

I did provide a fair exchange: grocery shopping, laundry, ironing when needed, cooking fresh for him every night: he would not touch leftovers, cooking steaks and burgers etc. And of course, been working on my business projects, built two websites, was interpreting, tutoring and taking him to work every day etc.

So, now we have a luxury with my kid to enjoy a very peaceful home without a major aggravation. I feel the difference.

What - you mean you are WAKING UP and NOT thinking about him? How could that be! Wow - that sounds like some addiction breaking behavior. I'm seeing it. A luxury for your child having a peaceful home without aggravation. Sounds like a fantastic thing.

You are using the minimal thought of PoA technique. Allow for your mind to think about him for X amount of time, then re-direct your thoughts.

Geez - no wonder you are feeling okay - you don't have to cater to his needs. If he works in a kitchen, why were you doing all of the cooking? Boy, not having to prepare his food, groceries, laundry and IRONING - your time is now your own. I can't think of a better trade off - him out, you back in.

I LOL'ed at your posts about his and her job situation. SMH. Thank goodness it is NOT you. Not your problem. I say that is a huge win.

I am and have been unavailable. That's what needs to be addressed now. I do a lot of reading and studying: almost done with Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl( It is me!) and still working on Susan's The Art of Changing and Addiction to Love. I came across Robin Norwood's Women Who Love Too Much twenty years ago.I clearly see the pattern of tolerating stuff that needs to be rejected from the very start: lying ,ghosting, withholding to create anxiety etc.
I make notes when I read and then I re-read them and pause. I also read steps 1 & 2 and boy is this difficult!

Hello,

I really wanted to post throughout the last week but I suck at typing using a tablet so I had to wait till I get home. Last Friday I got two checks: one was from my PoA and the other I got for my little interpreting job. So we decided with my daughter to get away for a couple of days, to regroup and such. Initially we were planning to go to Wisconsin Dells but it turned out that most of their pools at motels and /or hotels remained closed and we ruled out the more expensive places to stay at like Kalamari resort.

We wanted to have fun on a budget. We drove to Lake Geneva, WI( we reside in Metropolitan Chicago) where we booked a nice room at a very reasonable rate. We left on Sunday afternoon. The place was clean, not crowded( it is a virtue nowadays) and affordable. Sure thing, on Sunday night I am getting a text from PoA to email his resume to someone. I was handling all his job maneuvers, resume updates, list of references etc. myself before. He does not even own a computer. Wait a second, I told myself. He has no idea that I am out of town. And I do not have to jump through the hoops for him anymore. I am basically unavailable.

I hate lying, too. I prefer not to. No matter who I am talking to . It is just not me. But I could not and would not tell him that, all of a sudden, I have a life, outside of his control. So, I texted that I was staying with a friend because I was not feeling well.

I did read my books( I brought with me), sitting by the pool and talking to my kid. We have an excellent relationship with her. She tells me things that I would never, in a million years,tell to my mom. Ever. I was also studying my notes, as well as reading posts on this board which gave me lots of ideas and revelations.

Of coarse, it took me at least 48 hours to respond to him. And another 48 to text him back. He sounded kinda dry though mentioned that" honey, it is just more money we."

I did email his resume last night, not immediately mind you. Because he sent another text.

He screwed up at his current job with that affair, he told me that "everyone knows". Too bad.

Sure, it is Not his fault.

I have to admit, once I got home there were some minor moments of sadness which passed relatively quickly. I do not dwell on what had happened but I am not being obsessed over it either. Not rushing, not pushing away but moving slowly to concentrate on me and my family.

Love addiction revelation. When I feel sadness, sort of, I immediately remind myself that, BTW, my PoA:

possesses superficial charm, at least, with certain women type( I am sure he is instantly rejected by healthy individuals),

has a constant need for stimulation due to boredom,

he is a pathological liar,

never ever any trace of remorse,

shallow feelings, almost no emotions,

callous, lack of empathy,

was sponging off his mother for years, living in her full of mold and bad smell basement- parasitic lifestyle,

poor behavior control,

impulsivity,

risky and compulsive behavior,

irresponsible,

mood swings and depression,

alcoholism,

chronic failure to accept responsibility for his own actions.

These traits I have observed over the years.

I was being gullible and naive. I think, I loved the idea of being with someone I got used to, but I did not like him that much.
I know it probably sounds weird. But I am having a real difficulty of identifying this.

And then I snap out of it. Want to arrive to a condition/mental state when I feel complete and utter indifference. I never hate people, so it should do it.

“ But I came to realize that I do not have to respond to every guy to comes my way....”

YES! THIS!

Just because a man approaches you, does NOT mean you have to respond to him.

You don’t owe any man a response.

Some of them really become jerks when you say no, or try to discourage them. But - that’s NOT your fault. You don’t owe a man a response, period.

How he chooses to behave after your non-response is on HIM. If he gets angry or says rude things, that says more about him than it does about you.

You have a right to turn a man down, or to let him know (in some way) that you don’t want to play. IT IS NOT UP TO HIM.

A lot of men need to grow up and understand that - although they are allowed to approach a woman - they are NOT guaranteed a “yes” response. Stick to your guns and keep saying no if you mean no. If we all do this, men will start learning better.

Thank you, sexlessw, for encouragement.

Another thing. Three years ago, in March, I found out that we, my daughter and I, needed to move pretty fast. The guy who purchased my townhouse after a foreclosure and let me rent it , decided to sell it. Which he did, we checked later on.

We( my xPoA and I) did not live together at the time, he was on and off in my life. Well, when he started the job at Hilton and gained more confidence, he started coming over( with some cash) more regularly. Since I broke off with him on numerous occasions prior, I really did not plan anything that would include him.
He would show up when it was convenient for him and not necessarily fit my schedule. I was working some part time job- I could not go back to business as a mortgage broker because business was slow and I stayed home for a long time raising my kid. Anyway, I was paying my rent and bills at that old place even without him present but he kept insisting.

Anyway, I needed to move. He knew how important it was for me. So I asked him if he would sign a lease with me: I needed to show enough income to qualify and my credit history was excellent. His- not that much.

He said that he would but did not touch the lease for hours. It was just sitting on the desk, he was watching TV in my house, on my couch, dragging his feet and watching me at the same time. I was worried. He knew it, saw it and yet did not move his finger to sign it in front of me. I probably cooked him something, that I have no recollection of. I went to bed.

Only in the morning I found a signed lease on the desk by the computer.
He did it so slow intentionally.

He helped me move, too in a very crude way. His buddies were sloppy and dropped my furniture a few times. He got moody, depressed and went to his mother's house right after. Sulking. Sending nasty texts as always.

To this day I never brought it up. That I never expected or more importantly, wanted him to live with me.

I was just fine with him visiting.

On a few occasions, when he would pull over in front of my garage at around 11 pm, I did not open the door for him.

Boundaries.

I did ask him to please come over from Hilton as soon as he was done with his cooking job. Not to bother if it was after 10 pm: honey, if you could not come over on time, please do not come at all, just go to your mom's house. Please honey.

Since he has been in people's pleasing business all his life, he would stay at work late, doing someone else's work. I saw it. I asked him not to get in other people's business. Cooking after hours or plating or helping with banquets etc.

But:
I never asked him to move in with me.

All I wanted was for him to co-sign a lease so I would get an apartment where my daughter could walk to school in less than five minutes.

I think, if I dump this old news on him now, he will  get irate. Even now, such a blow to his self esteem.

It feels that the most dysfunctional relationship of my life was a never ending power play.