How to Handle Limited Contact Without Losing Dignity

There has been a lot of reflection of past events, some recent ones and not so fresh.

I am concentrating on my feelings. Some of them have not been present for the last three years: I was being caught up in a very stressful routine: did get up at five in the morning to take him to work etc. which did not promote too much thinking plus evidently there was a high tolerance for abuse on my part. I was too tired all the time. For months.

I was forgiving a lots of things while staying in that mad house full of drama but here what I am not going to let go of( in case he might decide to crawl back which is highly unlikely):

neglect

disrespect

resentment

premeditated, well planned out break( he did not just abruptly stopped coming home, now in retrospect, I recollect certain phrases that he was dropping which raised a red flag even then)

hidden hate maybe not always so latent- once he mumbled that he hated me

open rejection

him feeling that he had a license to get indulged in sleeping around

well masqueraded hate toward himself and especially those around him

him harboring disgust toward me( I can do better than that) and strategically creating silence and hatred between us 



trading me off for some ghetto w( I guess, it was not a problem since he grew up in one)

deceitfulness

gaslighting

For all potential relationships that, in a remote future( romantic love is still of value to me), I might enter, I am going to scan for red flags first, before anything. Of course, not as a psychotic b*tch but rather a careful and diligent, mature woman who decided to get someone to know first and for most, before anything. No expectations. No fantasizing. Well, I have not allowed myself any fantasies for awhile anyway.

Woke up this morning: we have to rid of old, worn out, broken items that are no longer bringing joy into our life.

XPoA and such( all toxic people) is a manifestation of lack of thereof. Out.

SexlessW:

You are so on point.

I love organizing. In fact, before Covid-19 I was planning out to start my own organizing business, started collecting images for the website, got flyers/cards printed out, secured domain and bought a template for the website.

Terra:

Too bad COVID19 struck before you could begin the TERRA MARIE KONDO business full scale. I can imagine - wait - not imagine - DID IT - all the folks who, during the pandemic cleaned their closets, drawers, desks and dressers out. Saw all kinds of unsparked joy items - and got rid of those items.

Right now you are LC (limited contact) with the xPoA for ONLY the $$$$ issue. Keep that going. $$$$$$ only. It's working for you.

Indeed, at most times NC is the best, but for what you have now - LC is what you need to maintain.

Terra:

IMO better to feel disgust and repulsiveness than pain and longing to have him "back". Shame is a side effect of having been in a relationship with a person such as himself.

I read someplace on the Internet, "Broken hearts build bodies" so keep on the HEALTHY path by working out AND working on any revenue-generating business you can.

Your body and your finances are in YOUR control. And that to me has always been a saving grace.

Declutter your life and SPARK JOY!

It sounds like you handled it pretty well.

Here is a little update. XPoA texted me that he  is broke because of me.

" He was broken before you " my kid stated. Anyway, he okeyed the amount last Friday. A few times he zelled me small amounts in between pay periods.

Have to admit, there is absolutely nothing I feel about him.except disgusts maybe.

There's no longing. No I want you back stuff. Zero. The only thing that I miss about not having him around is sex.I did a lot of Halpern's reading and it helped tremendously. It was not love. Now I see the difference. 

I have to admit that sex was probably the most attractive feature of his all along. From day one. His cooking was decent but I can do without. Well, obviously, I can do without sex, too.

I'm single, happily single and I'm going to keep it this way until I get better financially. So it will be level playing field. 

Your kid is right. POA was broken before you. You didn’t cause his ultimate problems, and fixing them is his job - not yours.

I love your idea for dealing with his stuff. Rent a storage unit, move his stuff there, and send him the key. Send him the monthly bill, too.

And great that you’re doing the H & R Block course! It will help you bring in money, and money makes everything better.

A little and very positive update. My xPoA texted about midnight two days ago his usual crazy, gibberish and delusional stuff. I saw it the next morning. Basically he started with a statement that he could no longer help me. Because if you " have a person you love keep pictures with him that last. How is your doctor doing. Guess what we try she makes more money than me and".

Here it breaks off, his insanity stopped or his brain ran out.

At any rate, the last communication shows that going forward everything about my x is irrelevant.

He was referring to the Russia educated cardiologist-doctor I was engaged to way before I met him and he came across lots of pics with us( again, he saw them not recently but five or seven years) and it was a reason for his constant torture.

XPoA keeps suffering from a low self esteem if he keeps bringing this(the engagement with another guy who xPoA never met,  it was 1997-2000) up:why does it matter to him now? XPoA ran off with someone else and immediately moved in with her in early May- there is no way my broken engagement from over twenty years ago to someone else has any impact on his life now?


The doctor was Caucasian, well educated, 6'4" spoiled brat whom I was ambivalent with, I think.I broke up with him, returned his ring and moved out.The whole thing lasted about three years though. Now I am glad that I did leave him.



Anyway, xPoA is black which carried absolutely no negative connotation for me whatsoever but evidently it has been eating him inside and still does. Crazy.

I felt really nothing. No negative feelings, I would identify them as indifferent at best. I was angry, angry off back in the middle of the summer and then lots of disgust. It is all gone now.

So I can conclude that 1.I do not care what he does or who he is with.
2. I did not validate his texts with response.

Next day he texted me if I wanted to send him Zelle request for little cash???Which I did. So he sent some cash my way.

This kinda of borderline guy with uncompensated mental disorder or rather a few of them cannot get helped. Period.

I am so happy that he is off my books.

Limited contact works. Most definitely.

My H & R course starts on Monday.

Thank you SexlessW. The course has started yesterday, let's proceed with vigor!

My xPoA just threw a fit when he called ( it's a payday) me to inform that he did not have that much money, he works just four days, get a job etc. I can not believe that he still holds a grudge !

I clearly understand that in his reactive mind I have no value. My input did not matter because that was what he decided arbitrarily.

Even that I worked odd jobs, paid for certain expenses, got his driver's license out of a seven year suspension and it cost me almost three grand. All of it didn't matter to him because in his narcissistic and abberated mind all of a sudden I lost all value.


When he started ranting today, I just couldn't believe it. His drama seeking rotten persona showed up reprimanding me, accusing me of something that he did, blaming his runoff "because I told him to fall out of love with me which he did"?
What was all that about and what brought it all up?

I avoided arguing as much as I could. I used to but now I am aware of not feeding his drama off.

It's so over. I felt no longing, no ''love'', no nothing.

If he drops dead tomorrow, I swear, I will not go to his funeral.

I still text him every other Friday because he promised to help out. Other than that, there is not much to discuss.
I sensed lots of hostility from him today, open hostility.
I got rid of resentment, he obviously didn't.

As far as I am concerned,  he can go and screw himself. 

What an idiot.

Three hours later he texted again like nothing had happened to ask how much I wrote a pre signed  check for.

My obsession in high school was David Strand. We met at the high school reunion twenty years later. We dated. For the first three months all I could see was the boy I had obsessed about in high school. I was in recovery at the time so I finally noticed that he was an alcoholic and drug addict. For the sake of my recovery I walked away but it was really hard. Love is blind. We must remove its blindfold. Pascal.

I had seen him plenty being rude and condescending to me before. When he would say that" he paid for everything" and could not identify exactly  in which manner he " spent what he did not have" when I asked " How?", it did not really matter to him that I collected all my  grocery monthly  receipts as well as others  to prove what I spent( my earned income, not his), he does not see the difference because that how he feels like.
I was rather surprised and that's why I posted that:

1. He is still that unhappy, depressed narcissistic seductive withholder. The "nice guy'' mask is off and now he does not need to hide behind it anymore and can and does act in a manner that is consistent with his true self: rude and arrogant.

2. No amount of incoming/rolling in ego brushing- because he has groomed another victim, much younger and white( again)- is going to polish his crooked self, fix his longing for incessant admiration.

3. He is still a psychopath, nothing has changed on his end: cruel and cold hearted.

4. When this is over with this nurse from ghetto neighborhood, once she starts recognizing that she was duped and love bombing fazed out, he would move to the next( two months ago, when I looked at whom he started to follow on FB and I do not look anymore)he was following some woman from the local Walmart, in the area he works.

5. I have been aware for many years of he was. I let him talked me into it, of course: gas lighting and such. It is all gone now, along with regrets. I have to concentrate on codependency, it runs deep.

Thank you everyone for reading my stream of conscienceness.