How to Handle Limited Contact Without Losing Dignity

Thank you COVID! All sarcasm intended.

As for your class - try YouTube. Type in what you need and see if there is ANYTHING on the subject that another teacher or school is presenting virtually.

There is one silver lining: you are still moving through this. xPoA sounds like he's on a downward trend. Can't even return his attorney's phone calls? My hunch is that he may still be drinking and will not be able to "pass" any alcohol evaluation - too much in his system.

Very odd about Toyota. Here all the car companies are praising how EASY it is to get a new car - but better have ready funds on hand. No credit card!!!

It is more than a theory. It is a fact . . .

loveaddictsanonymous.boards.net/board/43/self-esteem

Terra:

By "partner" do you mean business partner or domestic partner (girlfriend, wife)? Very understated: "It went well" especially having to go to the office and call the police AND get into lengthy explanations. Whew! ON TOP of going through finances -WAY TOO MUCH LIKE WORK. Translating police and financial jargon is difficult. It's its own "lingo".

Time to eject the "Eastern Block" no pay for hard work mentality. This is what my fee is, this is how much you are going to pay. Here is my contract where you sign this is what you are going to pay. Do the work, hopefully you get paid.

Funny how that happens:) - focus on tough work and xPoA begins to evaporate from your thoughts. Making money from that hard work - EVEN BETTER.

A little update:

My xPoA still stuck at his DUI proceedings, and, to my knowledge, he did not obtain  his evaluation in writing or at least, he needed to make sure it is in his file for the judge to see.
Did not call His attorney back. Who, in return, says that without this document the judge cannot proceed and most likely the case( via zoom) is going to continue. The court is set for the 10th.

I talk to him at least every other Friday and sometimes in between. Only and solely on the matter of money.
I have a feeling that he wants to get rid of me( "I work only four days now, people are dying here and nobody moves in", and he might be correct-after all, it is an expensive assisted living facility)but his financial aid means a lot to me. Our state just shut down again last week and reverted back to stage 3 so it is still kinda hard.

But my spirit is up.
BTW, I offered to leave his belongings at the back porch and he can go ahead and send some male friend( not himself) to pick up his stuff and he sounded kind of enthusiasm-free. I was planning to put it into the storage but then forgot about it.
Last Friday he said that he needed to buy winter stuff. I said why? You have plenty of clothes here, do not do anything naive.
Now I think I understand why he is no longer wants his clothes. He must have made another huge lie about me not wanting to releasing his precious belongings and now he cannot get out of it.
His relationship was predicated on a lie. It grows. I am just curious when and how it is going to collapse.

I am happy and calm. I just want Covid over with.
I am still studying my class, it is ending in two weeks. I did not learn much.

But I am still attending and making lots of notes so I will gain more understanding.

It is not online with the instructor as they promised. Only a few sessions in the very beginning and then it became a hybrid. Lots of self-study. I wish they addressed it in the very beginning.

There is no way you can learn how to fill out those forms by hand without a teacher.

Another revelation.

I was reading Howard Halpern last night. Here what comes to mind.

Those, all of a sudden longings or flare ups might never go away completely. It seems like there is no full and complete remedy for attachment hunger.

In my humble opinion, keeping oneself busy and super-productive might generate a never ending/stable/permanent stream of satisfaction with oneself. Or something of that nature.

This guy sounds like a lot of work.

Not sure what the relevance is.

Hello everyone and thank you Sexlessw, for checking on me,

I am felling pretty good. However, I did suffer a quick setback a couple of weeks ago when my xPoA picked up his bags( finally!).It was no contact: I dumped those bags on the back porch and he came late, it was dark already and took them. Some woman drove him, it must've been her, I do not know.

He started texting rude and obnoxious statements shortly after. It turned out that he could not locate immediately his sunglasses. I got really upset and all these sad emotions and anxiety flew in right back. I did tell him to knock it off and demanded an apology along with the pic. He did apologize the next day, having found his stuff. I still not sure what prompted that rant: his show-off before his still clueless flame or just his naiveity.

I am aware that he is very toxic, at least, for me. All those latest negative feelings are prove of it. my life has been void of that incessant roll coaster for the six months now.
Now more than ever, I feel the difference. I do not think I will ever allow him again to treat myself like that  or anybody else.
I clearly see how damaging and wrong all this interaction have been.
He better have a plan B: when he gets busted and his little living arrangement which was predicated on a big and huge lie, goes down the gutter and it always did, he would need to find another victim.

I am still very much underemployed: ever since the second wave started, my business has shrunk. I know it will pass and eventually improve.

He still zells me whatever I ask him with comments like I need to find someone else to do it for me etc. I do not validate these d**n remarks.

His DUI court is tomorrow, it is final hearing, I think.
I am working on my boundaries: it seems like it is much more difficult for me.

There was this repeat client who came back asking to do this, let's call it a job B. I explained that he needed to put a deposit down and I would look into it.

He started a rant that last year, when I worked on job A, he was on time with money etc. He ignored my reasons as to why: I needed him to pre-pay for translating services like everyone else does. He became laud. I asked not to call me anymore and blocked him everywhere.

In a week or so, he showed up at my steps ringing my door bell multiple times: he knew where I lived because I gave him away my TV and a TV stand a week before.
I had to step outside and explain that I did not want anything to do with him as he was not cooperating. I had to interrupt my zoom class.

Also, I had to warn him that 1. he had to reimburse me for my ruined zoom class and 2. prepay for a future project.
The rant continued into another visit. My kid said that she was gonna call the cops if he showed again.
The zelle payment followed after a week of constant texting. I blocked him permanently and asked to drop from the earth.
I am sick and tired of those Russians who came over but the mentality is still in the old country: they do harass others all the time back there.
Boundaries seems like is an ongoing struggle for me.

Dear SexlessW,

I think I am gradually but surely getting rid of his influence as far as attachment goes: detachment has been definitely working for me even it is not, per say, the first instance or rather try of it.

The fact that he has lost completely interest helping, too. I feel his hate and deep resentment which is perfectly normal : I am not obsessed with him, not wanting to get him back or anything of that nature.

Constant people pleasing gauge needs my constant attention, co-dependency and inability to correctly observe my boundaries is a huge issue.

The second Covid wave hit me hard money wise. Other than that, it is manageable and calm. We are having a lots of fun with my kid, was studying French with her and reading her IP class in World History.

Happy New Years,

And I am pretty desperate. If someone please either give me a call or: I am not sure how to proceed correctly: it is really bad. Thank you.

Hello,

It is me again. I am really suffering from the unknown: I am not sure how to react, what would be an adequate and proper reaction. Also I hate coming across as desperate which I am: not because LA, it is long gone but rather exposing my vulnerabilities ( again) to complete strangers.

Please respond asap, I am not sure what to do next if anything.

I was texting my ex PoA asking to zelle me some cash as he gave me a small check last time. There was no response whatsoever which is rather odd: he always says something.

About 6 pm I am getting a text from an unknown number asking why are you texting my husband asking for money and calling him honey?
I hesitated. The next text comes in right away saying that she, his pregnant wife, has his phone now and please call him on his I phone that she bought for him.

Who are you she keeps asking. After two dozen of frantic text messages, I figured out what had transpired.
She says he married her in November and she is having a baby with him.

Wait a second. Married? She sends in a marriage license and some pics. She is 43 and he is 61.
In mid-September she lost twins- two boys: she was on her 19th week.
I did the math, it sounds right, he stopped coming home May, 2nd.
She says that they were living together since May: it checks out.
I asked are you that woman who let a grown man in without a change of clothes who basically showed up on your door step?
She says yes, that's her.
He explained that he could not get(!) his clothes back so she believed him.

She verifies my name: I have not reason to hide who I am since she did introduce herself.

It gets better. She now tells me that she is pregnant( again, right away after the miscarriage!). She is twelve weeks. She says that he does not know about it: please keep in mind, he married her in a rush November, 21! I am looking at the marriage certificate.

I says that I am very very sorry but R. is not and never has been a marriage material. When we met, he acted like he hit a lottery, a powerball: I was driving a new Mercedes E-500, a mink coat( sorry it is very common for Russians), designer Louis Viutton bags, etc. I felt that he loved the image, like he said I had presence.

Also he told me that when his girlfriend gets pregnant , he makes sure the kid gets aborted, they split up and he moves to the next one. Sorry but he never ever wanted anymore kids, he told me many times. His daughters are 35 and 30. I am explaining this to her. Nicely, politely but it is probably hard to take when you are 12 week pregnant already.
That's why I was in a shock that she confessed that she got pregnant two times in a row.

She goes on that he lied to both of us, She just wanted him to take responsibility for this baby.

“Now she wants me to pick up his belongings, she would dump them on the porch: she was the one who drove him just a couple of weeks ago so he can collect his bags from my own porch.”

Why do you have to be involved at all at this point?

This latest mess is mostly between the two of them. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t pick up his belongings, and I wouldn’t let anybody put them on your porch.

She wrote multiple times that she does not want or need him and I will be getting a call from him as to when to pick him up.

Obviously, I am not picking nobody or anything.
I do not have valid phone number for the I phone that she bought for him and paying for the service.
Then she texted that she had cancelled that phone.
I am not sure at all how to proceed.
All I want from him is continue with his help.
Please advice on how, in which manner etc:
I am sorry that I got inadvertently involved at all in all this.
It was never my intention. My texting him was exclusively for him.
I had no idea that now he checks his old phone only every other Friday and the rest of the week he is using a brand new I phone.
He has her spending money on him: that's was his dream from day one.