terra
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Post by terra on Dec 31, 2020 9:01:13 GMT -8
And no, I am not obsessed or wanting him back, no.
But new covid reality terrifies me.
She stopped texting around 8 pm after a while: he is either showed up and lied his way back or just got exhausted.
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terra
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Post by terra on Dec 31, 2020 9:43:56 GMT -8
I feel so fed up with this.
If I could, I would never contact him again. Let alone her.
But now it seems that his old phone was left at home, intentionally probably by him.
Highly unusual. Because he always locks his phone up.
So, do I reach out to him next Friday? Or not? if yes, how, calling his work?
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Dec 31, 2020 10:35:55 GMT -8
Let me ask you this: Is there any GOOD reason for you to contact either of them - ever?
I’m glad that his current “wife” has seen the light about him. But it is not your job to be her therapist. It’s not your job to help her get through this.
It’s your job to do whatever is best for YOU.
I know you’ve been in a money situation with him, and that’s a big reason why you haven’t gone NC.
Let me ask you this: What things could you do to end the money situation between you two?
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terra
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Post by terra on Dec 31, 2020 11:04:14 GMT -8
Hello,
It is a million dollar question. Not much is available for someone who is into translating, interpreting, USCIS form filling out and tutoring.
The one and only reason has been money, and Covid made it considerably worse. For millions others, too.
You are correct: I am not going to play her or his therapist. She does her thing, God bless her for sweet delusions. She can afford them.
I can not.
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terra
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Post by terra on Dec 31, 2020 13:45:12 GMT -8
“Now she wants me to pick up his belongings, she would dump them on the porch: she was the one who drove him just a couple of weeks ago so he can collect his bags from my own porch.” Why do you have to be involved at all at this point? This latest mess is mostly between the two of them. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t pick up his belongings, and I wouldn’t let anybody put them on your porch. You are correct and I am Not involved, she was just ranting etc. She did not do anything of that nature.
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terra
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Post by terra on Dec 31, 2020 13:57:18 GMT -8
Again,
This is something that just happened, without my desire or nosiness etc.
I was just chilling, trying to figure out ways to start somehow making more money etc.
This "other" and very pregnant woman saw my texts on His phone and the rest is history.
No, she would not dare to boot him out: she was by herself way too long and happy that he wanted a quick marriage. She must have been desperate to get any man into her life.
Birth control is obviously not in her vocabulary.
I am upset that I got into this, meddling thru something that I have no interest in.
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terra
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Post by terra on Dec 31, 2020 14:46:26 GMT -8
Another quick update:
A client of mine and just a good guy just zelled me some cash for the New Years! People are generally good.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Dec 31, 2020 18:01:36 GMT -8
That’s good!
I think you’re going to be OK. You were minding your own business and this incident wasn’t started by you. And you’re thinking about things you can do to move forward.
Someday in the future, you will be leading a saner life; and you will look back on this and have trouble believing it really happened.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 1, 2021 7:52:00 GMT -8
Good morning and Happy New Years, everyone,
I have to admit that the setback did throw me off.
I have been feeling stable, anxiety about is he coming home, is he coming home at all, who is he texting, is he involved with someone else was long gone. I have been enjoying my quiet but very serene life with my kid until that text storm started.
There was a phone call yesterday from Her. When I answered, it was R on a speaker phone making a threatening intonation which he did poorly. There was evidently a show for her. He started why you are texting my wife???
I was not prepared for that. He went on: I am in love with her etc, I do not really remember what else he said. But She was sitting next to him telling him what to say. We have been throuh that before when he was living here. Wheh he gets defensive, he says call her, call her, she does not mean nothing to me etc. So, that was a show to put me down, to demean me, to show me where my place is.
Instead I said Honey, what did you promise me? Remember? Back in June of last year, when it became obvious that he is not returning home, he said that nothing is going to happen to us, he will be helping, paying rent etc, the whole nine yards.
I guess calling him honey did not work well for her.
He says do not call her which I never did, it was her initiative from the get go. Do not call or text us.
I says I will talk to you when I talk to you- what else I was supposed to say? Hang up the phone.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 1, 2021 8:05:14 GMT -8
I really feel lousy about the whole thing.
She can knock herself out popping babies for him, as far as I am concerned.
Raising a child today is a huge commitment and I am still doing it. I have spend years with my daughter since I could not go back to work: I used to work in a lucrative mortgage field which collapsed in 2008 when she was about 18 months. My ex did not pay enough to afford a daycare.
I was reading with her, daily playgrounds, playing her classical music since the day she was born. She never ever had junk food. She learnt how to swim: classes for about a year. Then she was in ice skating for three years five days a week since she was five.I also hired a private coach so she could learn skating.It continued for three years, combined group and private classes.
My home went threw two foreclosures but I was able to invest that little money that I was getting in child support into her. My older son started a part time job at the local grocery store right away. We made it. We went throw a lot but I feel very proud of what I have done as a parent.
It was never a compromise.
So I know first hand how to raise a child in US being a first generation immigrant without absolutely any family. This middle age woman appears to be a type who feels she has got to bring a kid into this life right away so put a chronic womanizer on a chain. If you really want to have a child, there is not short cut: you must do it full time plus a regular job, so the kid has a chance to grow into someone decent.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 1, 2021 8:10:39 GMT -8
So, since R now in possession of two cell phones and the old phone appears not to be in use or at least regularly, I am not completely sure how to talk to him every other Friday. Now it makes sense why on Friday, the 25th he responded that he would zelle me right after he serves lunch, but there was no response Monday and Tuesday that week: he did not use or check that phone. Secrets. Sickening. I am so over it.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 5, 2021 19:44:26 GMT -8
Hello,
There has been a development. Accidentally, I flipped thru blocked messages and came across a text from not so happy but worried/ obsessed new wife. Very recently married and already full of anxiety, woman is asking if I want her husband back or just his money. I'm speechless: not once, not ever did I say, ask, imply or hint that I'm desiring him back. Where is this coming from, what brought that up?
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 5, 2021 19:48:01 GMT -8
I just two days ago came back to my senses and started posting ads, calling my clients etc, more fb activity promoting my tutoring and translating stuff and here we go. Now it's not him directly but still because of him, the wave of inturbulance, this tide rises.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Jan 6, 2021 7:13:59 GMT -8
“There has been a development. Accidentally, I flipped thru blocked messages and came across a text from not so happy but worried/ obsessed new wife. Very recently married and already full of anxiety, woman is asking if I want her husband back or just his money.
I'm speechless: not once, not ever did I say, ask, imply or hint that I'm desiring him back.
Where is this coming from, what brought that up?”
This sounds like a problem going on inside HER, not you. Not your problem. I’m glad you blocked these people. Maybe now, delete the blocked texts? Is there a way to delete blocked texts automatically, so you won’t be tempted to look at them?
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 7, 2021 8:21:20 GMT -8
Another incident yesterday:
I was ready to leave: a friend of mine invited us for an orthodox Russian Xmas( it is on January 7, and Xmas eve was last night). Eastern Slavic nations plus Bulgarian and Greek follow another calendar, different from catholic. I never ever go anywhere so my daughter wanted to go. So, I was just about to step out of the house when a call came from R. The last time he called from his new wife, when both of them got engaged in a phone assault against me, it was on December 30.
She is blocked now . Anyway, he started yelling at me : "Do you know that I am married?'' he says -What is your question- I am kinda pressed for time.- I replied.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 7, 2021 8:57:16 GMT -8
So, he kept repeating same thing three or four times, I says you never told me that you got married, I was firm and polite and then she started screaming in the back, calling me a f*** b****  I hung up immediately. I never call people names, especially those I really never met. I am not sure what the purpose of this rather awkward call was: Why asked again- four times, mind you, whether I know or not that he is married. It was established in the most cruel manner possible on the December 30,2020. What difference does it make now? I never indicated that I have been looking to get him back. For years I was looking to get rid of him.The Money - that's what was the biggest issue. And I am aware that I am ambivalent. But now- what is going on? What is the point of calling me and asking the same question? I have not blocked his old number because I was still hoping that occasionally I need to communicate to him what the needs are and it was working fine for the last six or seven months. I kept it short and on point. My kid says that it reminds her of a typical high school behavior: Call your ex, tell her that you are with me: very insecure and primitive. My daughter is 14. Smart and mature for her age. Why am I being sucked in into this bs now??
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 7, 2021 9:03:27 GMT -8
Also, I never replied to her text asking if I want her husband back or just his money: " What is you end game"? She says.
It is pretty obvious that I am not desiring to get hims back.
If she just married him and already having major meltdowns that are still going, at least, starting from December 30,2020 till present: the question that come to mind- what kind of marriage is it? But more importantly ,why is he dragging me into this?
I think if you are a man, you deal with the situation you have created it.
He promised me that he would pay the bills. In writing and over the phone. I was ok with it.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 16, 2021 18:06:54 GMT -8
So, the most recent update is as follows: R had stopped financial aid, I am sure per his new wifie's demand.
I sent out an official request via certified mail to his place of employment per my attorney's advise and I believe, this note concludes our communication cycle. For good. Forever.
His cell phone does not accept incoming calls and last Friday, the fifteenth, he refused to take my call at work. He is obviously using his new phone that she got him.
Regardless, both numbers, hers and his non-working at the moment.
He changed his status to married and connected her to his profile. and I am really glad that I took a peak because I really never look at his profile, it is full of secrets but I am really happy that I did this and I swear that it was the last time, too. Because I blocked him off on FB as well.
His wife is a perfect match for him. She was working at local county jail. Sweet.
That's really impressive especially for someone who calls herself " I am f*** nurse".
There is also a picture of her in her kitchen full of empty bottles stuck up on the top of kitchen cabinets along the wall. Nice. There is really nothing I can add.
I am so over him, it is not funny.
This saga is officially over.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Jan 17, 2021 8:45:34 GMT -8
Hurray!!
Now - what are some things you would like to do with the free time you’ll have, now that you are no longer spending so much time on him and his world?
What are some FUN things you’d like to do? Everybody needs some fun in their life.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 17, 2021 11:14:09 GMT -8
I'm not so sure that "free time" is relevant in my particular situation. My problem has been not him but rather financial, strictly financial dependence on him.
I had stopped hoping that he, all of a sudden, change years ago. The fun part is to make enough money in the middle of the worst recession ever.
I snapped out of "love" long before that.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 17, 2021 14:15:08 GMT -8
I'm not so sure that "free time" is relevant in my particular situation. My problem has been not him but rather financial, strictly financial dependence on him. I had stopped hoping that he, all of a sudden, change years ago. The fun part is to make enough money in the middle of the worst recession ever. I snapped out of "love" long before that. Financial dependence is a trap. It keeps you in codependent relationship when you need to move on. With these times of crisis it would be hard to give up our natural dependency but that should be your long-term goal. My son had a financial dependency on me and it kept us in a really codependent relationship. We both had to end it for our own good.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 17, 2021 14:56:32 GMT -8
Well, I agree a 100 per cent.
I am not familiar with your son's situation but in my case, and I have been self-sufficient for years since I came to US 27 years ago. Until I got a child with someone completely irresponsible. But it is water under the bridge now.
However, I moved on.
I am not sure what kind of lies R has been telling his new victim but it is not really my concern.
I am not completely sure even if I want to take him to small business court or something: I can prepare petition myself etc. I just do not necessarily think it is a good idea in the long run. My attorney says: " You both signed the lease so you are both responsible for payment. If you have some additional agreement with R. as to the amount he is to contribute each month, then you could try to collect from him but that does not relieve you nor him of responsibility to the landlord to pay monthly rent. You both signed so you both would be liable for full rent. "
Honestly, I do not want to give him a satisfaction to think and or brag that he is so indispensable or I cannot or will not live without him. I have not seen him since last summer and we are gonna leave at that.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 17, 2021 16:20:23 GMT -8
Overall, codependency appears to be an ongoing issue for me. Once I realized that my family I grew up in, was a typical Soviet Union's codependency environment, I was already married, then divorced etc. My mom was codependent. And so many women around me. My brother has been codependent too. I think its almost contagious.
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Post by sexlessw on Jan 20, 2021 5:44:40 GMT -8
This is a joke - maybe it's genetic! End of joke.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 21, 2021 10:17:42 GMT -8
Ladies,
On a more serious note, I truly deeply appreciate your help, it is priceless. I really do not have anybody to talk to: my clients and some of them are super kind and sincere, are not aware of the current situation and even of a remote detail of my personal life.
Since R was a seductive withholder and the whole nine yards: I was never confident that he is reliable to a degree to be associated with me as a couple. So, as a result, I do not talk to anybody about this and sometime I feel I need to but oh, well.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 21, 2021 15:45:03 GMT -8
Also, I am sure I have made a number of mistakes going LC. There are certain things that just popped up and at that moment I got taken aback or it happened too fast to comprehend the best route etc. Like when he was calling me trying to imtimidate me, putting me on a speaker and I did not realize that there had been audience listening to that show off. Now I realised that I should've hanged up the phone without giving him a validation.
No, I am not ruminating but still. I wish I knew how to do it gracefully yet firmly.
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Post by sexlessw on Jan 22, 2021 5:05:26 GMT -8
T:
When dealing with clients, keep your private life private. I know, on a personal level, if somebody I contracted to do work for me told me intimate details of their private life, I would feel overwhelmed. IRL (and online) I'm not a therapist. I contract you for work, you do the work. That's the nasty avoidant coming out of me.
HOWEVER none of us is AT WORK or a CLIENT on the board - so please! Share and share alike. As I've written so many times, everybody who has been down with Seductive Withholders, Avoidants, POS, EUMs and any other form of PoA, we have SEEN it all. No judgement zone here.
Next time you will know to hang up the telephone when he calls and puts you on speaker. "Sorry PoA. Can't talk. Darth Vader just came in with some stormtroopers and they're looking for the Kyber Crystal!" Hanging up is your friend _ just remind me to do that when Aspen calls again.
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 22, 2021 10:33:26 GMT -8
USPS yet to deliver a certified letter I mailed to his work on 01/11/2021-I was checking tracking and it shows " in transit".
I filed a complaint and got a standard response that" due to Covid.." etc.
It was probably lost. I needed it to get delivered before my rent was due which was on the 15th.
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Post by sexlessw on Jan 23, 2021 4:22:29 GMT -8
I'm not surprised the post office screwed that one up. Same thing happened with a credit card payment for us.
Did the land lord or management company threaten eviction?
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terra
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Post by terra on Jan 23, 2021 7:38:43 GMT -8
Oh no.
I just paid January rent, on the 15th.
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