Step 1

    Question 4: How did your life become unmanageable? Writing in free flow, explore feelings about the idea of being powerless. Analyze specifically how and where your life is. Consider which of the 12 characteristics of Love addiction played a part in your life.

    This happened even when I was 18-19 years old, when I began to commit compulsive actions and pursue my past OD just after realizing that he was inaccessible and cold with me.


    Situation 1. I am 17-18 years old. I meet two guys at once, I'm afraid to be abandoned and lonely. I want to get a second guy in order to leave the first. I leave the first guy, but then it turns out that the second guy has a girl in another city, he lives with her parents now and he tells me that he loves her and leaves me. He becomes cold to me, does not want to hear about my feelings.

    Feelings: shock, fright, dumbfounded, unnecessary, unimportant, lost, loneliness.

    Thoughts: He doesn’t need me, he is " a pea--cock ", handsome as God, boastful and selfish, he loves only himself. I am poor but he is rich, I am average but he is so handsome, he knows many languages but I do not, therefore I am not worthy of him.

    Actions: I make inquiries about him, listen to how his friends tell me that he is a handsome and selfish  pea-cock , he was beaten for this behavior many times in the dormitory by other boys but I still leave the first guy and start chasing the second, I meet him at recesses at his University, I try to talk to him first, do his homework and drawings for him in University, then I call him on the phone for 3-4 years and am silent on the phone listening his voice, I start going on dates with his friends just to find out at least something about him.


    Situation 2. I am 4 .. years old, I meet T., he said me that he loves me, that he would like to marry me, he said me that I am a princess, he admires me. After 3 meetings and my declaration of love to him, he tells me that he does not want to cheat on his wife, he becomes cold to me, he answers all my text messages in one or two words, he says that he feels guilty even if he just only write me.
    Feelings: Horror, fright, dumbfounded, unnecessary, lack of importance, inaudibility, incomprehensibility, sadness, longing, loneliness.

    Thoughts: Why does he lie all the time, makes promises and doesn't keep them? He says that he communicates with me and does not want to break contact with me, but if I write to him about my childhood, my feelings or describe my critical situations, then he does not answer me at all?

    Actions: I continue to send him my photos, he answers me in monosyllables, I invite him to meet me in crowded places, he lies to me that he agrees, but does not keep his promises, I ask him to simply communicate with me as a person, and not just a hole for sex and answer me when I ask questions, he refuses to accept my boundaries, I write to him about my family, mother, my mentally ill sister, he does not answer these messages at all, he answers me only if I write him something funny: jokes, funny photos, ets. I cry, realizing that he only wants to get everything from me and use me, I shut up, then again write compulsively to him and sob again, and again and again.
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Lianita, I know what you are referring to. The male has the beautiful tail feathers and the female (peahen) is pretty ordinary looking. Thanks for all your sharing.

I see what you mean, the site changed my words, too.  It is probably because the word for a male bird might be problematic for sex and love addicts.

Thank you for your jobb! 💜 I really didn’t know how to answer on all those questions when I made 1 step. Your explanations and experiens help very much.
/ reg
Angela LAA Russia

I have just finished my first step in this fellowship and sent it to my sponsor in another fellowship.  I want to thank all those who worked on the questions for this.  I have taken several first steps before but never in so much depth.  Including your introduction, the questions, and conclusion, it ran to over 20 pages on the computer!  I am old and have done a lot of dysfunctional living, but I was amazed about what the process dredged up despite having visited a lot of this stuff before.

Now, on to Step 2.  I would encourage anyone who is daunted by this process to just make a start.  I didn't pick it up every day and some days I could barely deal with one question as we are dealing with painful memories.  I just did as much as I could in any sitting and came back to it when I was ready and able.  Most of us took a long time to arrive at our rock bottom and we are not going to recover overnight....it takes time and is a lifelong process.  "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."  Lao Tzu

We do have some alternative steps that do now refer to God. Here is the link.

loveaddictsanonymous.boards.net/thread/20021/12-alternative-steps-agnostics

Wow. I just read the first step and I am overwhelmed where to start. Are there any women who are sponsors in this group ?

Hello, I just joined LAA (November 2021) and I completed Step 1 Worksheet. What a revelation that my love addiction is deeply rooted in my childhood! I am determined to heal and get better! I want to break free from this insidious cycle. I want to be healthy so I may live FREE from emotional pain and blockages.

Here are my responses on how did my addiction play out in the following areas?

• The characteristics of your particular kind of dependence: I am always trying to fill the void I feel inside in pursuit of a romantic partner. I realize my pattern of being drawn or attracting emotionally unavailable men. I got married at a very young age because I was afraid of being alone. My paternal father was absent from my life. My mother, worked a lot. I was often left with cargivers (aunts, grandparents, baby sitters). My attachment hunger intensified in high school. This was the time I met my husband, who was 6 years older than me. I sought the attention of a father figure and I thought he’d give it to me, the security, love, and attention. Got pregnant at an early age. Got married with my first qualfier and we had 3 children. I was unhappy with my marriage. After 12 years of marriage, I asked for divorce and he gave it to me.

After my divorce, I was so lonely and distraught because the unfamiliarity of not having marital issues. It was as if part of me had died too and I do not know how to navigate through my new found freedom. I sought another partner but the relationship (or lack of) failed. I did not know how to handle a relationship and aslo because I was repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable men. They were avoidant men and are not really into finding a true relationship and only after sex. I wore my heart on my sleeves, go through lenghts to plan dates, chased, and settled for little crumbs of texts and attention they’d give me. When one psuedo relationship ends, I relentlessly search for another, only to find out the same unhealthy qualities in men.

• Obsessive thoughts or fantasies: I obsessed about a fairytale romance. I easily fall in love with a guy; wore my heart on my sleeves; think about my love interest constantly, all throughout the day and night. I have grandioses events in my mind about the relationship that did not really exist. My thoughts were consumed about how my qualifier would like me. Always pleasing, always wanting, always waiting even for very little show of attention.

• Attempts to control others: I use flattery and seduction in hopes to control and manipulate the man I was seeing. My obsessive thoughts are wrapped around a ploy or plot on how to get the man interested in me.

• Feelings of worthlessness and/or emptiness when alone. I compromised my self-worth to please a man. I put him on a pedestal. The relationship was based only on sex and fantasies. I am fixated on fantasies and become obsessive on forming a meaningful connection when there really isn’t any. When I don’t get a text or a reply, I feel this emptiness and void that hurts to the core of my being. It is like experiencing the childhood trauma of emptiness and longing for love and attention. When a man pulls away, I get triggered and feel defeated, hurt, rejected and alone.

• No strong sense of purpose or direction outside of relationships. Mostly everything that I do was a plot to either attract or regain a man’s interest. Although, I make plans and do outside activities and leisure, the primary purpose is to attract and win back a man.

• Regards romance as a need rather than a desire. It is a need when my thoughts are consumed and fixated on a particular man.

• Appears to fall in love easily and frequently. I went through highs and lows with a man and when it ends. I get heartbroken and on to my next pursuit to find a romantic interest. When a man pays interest in me, I easily fall in love even though, I’ve only known him for a short amount of time. This is a repeated pattern that happens frequently.

• Goes to great lengths to avoid abandonment or rejection. I please and focus my attention on what will make him happy. I ask for very little and give so much.

• A pattern of serial dating or serial relationships. Yes, I have had this experience.

• Has very dramatic and intense relationships that tend to fizzle out quickly. This describes the relationship I’ve had with men. I fall dramatically in love, goes through heartbreak when he pulls away and rebounds with another man that tend to fizzle out quickly.

• Difficulties with trust in relationships. I assumed and expect that men cheat on me and I have very little or no trust in relatioships.

• Periods of depression and melancholy when not in a relationship. I feel panic and restlessness if I am not in any type of relationship.

• Uses relationships to avoid underlying emotional pain. This explains my serial dating experiences and relationships.

• Is consumed or obsessed with finding love when not in a relationship. Yes

• Tends to be overly pleasing or controlling. Yes

• Needs a relationship to feel happy and/or whole. Yes

• Can’t tolerate being alone when not in a relationship. Yes

• Lacks a strong sense of personal identity. Yes

• Quickly becomes depressed or despairing when a relationship ends. Anxious, depressed, and desperate.


• Has a hard time differentiating desires versus real needs. Yes

• Confuses sex and sexual attraction with love. Yes

• May appear very Atogether@ even though he/she is not. This is me.

• Becomes emotionally involved or attached to people too quickly. Yes

• Stays in, and returns to, painful, destructive relationships. I easily return to my ex lovers

• Fears emotional and/or relational deprivation. Yes

• Compulsively pursues one relationship after another. Yes

• Sometimes has more than one romantic or emotional liaison at a time. Yes

• Confuses love with pity and/or the need to rescue or to be rescued. Yes

• Avoids oneself by attaching myself to unavailable people. Yes

• Assigns magical qualities to others. Idealizes and pursues them. I admit to this

• Uses relationships or emotional dependency as a way of coping. I admit to this

• Uses emotional dependency as substitutes for nurturing care and support. Yes


I am powerless over my addiction. I have emotional issues and dependency. I OPENLY ADMIT THAT I AM A LOVE ADDICT.

Hello I’m scared to do this. I recently discovered I am a love addict and have been for several years. I’ve only been in one formal relationship but now that it ended I felt destroyed. I’m scared that if I start the program I will have to quit reading my love books and watching movies because they’re part of the problem.

Where can I get a sponsor?

Question 1: What does powerlessness mean to you? Find a quiet place to think about your disease of love addiction. Do you feel powerless over your addiction? If so, then analyze this concept.


I wrote this whole response last night, which is very different from this one, and I hit a bad key. It disappeared. I just gave up and now am back today.

Powerlessness means having no power while my mother leaves my father, moves 1000 miles away, drags me from home to home and school to school and state to state without considering my feelings or needs as a human child. She married a cruel and abusive man who beat me and made me hate him. I felt neglected, abandoned, and alone…very alone. I had no friends because we moved too often, I was always the new kid and bullied often, and I didn’t have time for clubs or money for extracurriculars which meant no social skills and desperate loneliness. My mother never talked to me, only at me, and she worked all the time. We just never bonded. I thought no one wanted me or liked me, and I remember very little of my childhood. I internalized all of this pain and became a people pleaser/ tough girl/ loner/ drug user/ love addict. To be honest, I hated my childhood, couldn’t wait to grow up, quit school at 16, and moved out. My mother and I still don’t have a relationship because she thinks I don’t care about her. If she only knew… My father died about 15 years ago. I didn’t even know until three days after.

Powerlessness is being married to someone whose family has money, who is abusive, who hates my friends and everything I do, say, or want. He wanted me seen and not heard, and I rebelled often. We fought like crazy. He belittled me, he drove my friends away, and he began to push me around. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he hit me, so I took the kids and left. He took me to court five times (his family paid for it) until he finally took my children. I hit rock bottom, turned to drugs, and spent two years disappearing from life. I sincerely thought about suicide but couldn’t do that to the future I knew I had with my children. It was just so hard to hold onto, since my daughter hated me for “abandoning” her. We are now in the future; my daughter and son and I have a solid relationship. I never did abandon them because I swore. “I will never be my mother.” (However, I’m so much like her in loads of other ways…unfortunately.)

Powerlessness is building a house with someone I thought was my best friend and finding out that I’ve been people-pleasing, begging for crumbs, begging for time with him, begging for any little bit of love he might give me. I’d sit home waiting for him to come home, and he’d eat dinner I made while looking at his phone or yelling at the television. I lived in a camper for 7 months for him, smashed every one of my fingers building a house I didn’t want to build, and gave him all my money and time and still couldn’t get him to adore me. He never wants to have sex, never touches me, doesn’t sit next to me on the couch or even express any sort of love. My only regular comment used to be, “Hello, Beautiful,” which I think he said in front of people to make it seem like I was getting some sort of compliment. When asked, he can’t think of reasons he loves me. He avoids me, we don’t even speak anymore, and I’m tired of begging for sstuffs of his time. I stopped talking, started watching, and am telling him he really doesn’t have to be around me if he doesn’t want to.

The thing is, now, I can see it. I have power. I don’t so feel powerless now. Suddenly, I have this group. The book, Women who Love Too Much, has awakened me to what I’ve been doing, and I’m seeing how I fell into this place I never expected myself to be found in. I’m learning how to take care of myself, how to love myself, and how to put myself first. I go to yoga, I stopped cooking dinner every night, and I go out on Fridays with friends. I go to painting class, and I stand up for myself now. This is not my first rodeo, and I tend to take the stuff until I can’t take any more. I’m at that point now with my current husband. I can’t beg anymore; I felt so small. I am embarrassed, exhausted, and ready to take my life back. I’m done with men for a while, even the one who lives in my house. I am doing LC, standing up for myself, and going where I want, doing what I want, and seeing all the great, loving friends I want to see. Screw him.