Step 4

The fried of mine asked to post her Life Story to the step one (I was need to translate it).



Her story:

 "Step 4 of LAA.

I took Step 4 in a small group of LAA with some fellow travelers. We wrote it for a very long time, describing the shortcomings of the character in detail. At first, the word "lack of" had sounded like an insult to me. But I understand it now as "The something that had been missing". For example, our wrongs: "You become very addicted when it comes to relationships." It means for me that I have a shortage of self-reliance, the strength for self-sufficiency. The Fourth Step allowed me to see the reasons why I was dependent of such a destructive relationship. My fellow travelers and I analyzed all our vulnerabilities, character defects, strengths and realized that we are not alone and are very similar to each other. This fact gave me strength, I felt understood and accepted. When I understood myself better, I found answers to questions, and for the first time I realized what humility does mean. I began the process of accepting myself inside. I allowed myself to make mistakes and did not destroy myself for that. I began to feel myself more complete, whole, and soft."          Written by "S".

1. What are your resentments? Start with your childhood: I resented that my father was absent most of my childhood and that my mother worked all the time and was absent as well. I resented my mother’s boyfriend. He was much older than my mother, and he was vicious and strict. He made me feel I did not exist by ignoring me. My mother’s boyfriend competed for my mother’s attention towards me. He wanted my mother to put him on the pedestal. I was afraid of him. I did not understand why my mother won’t leave him. Whenever he was around, I felt my whole world falling apart. I just remembered that feeling of hating his presence when I was a child. I clam up, I don’t talk to him, and I feel so much resentment towards him.

2. How do your resentments affect you today? It affected my relationship with men. I tend to put them on the pedestal, but I also mistrust them. I developed an attachment hunger from an absent father. Always seeking for men’s approval and attention. I developed trust and abandonment issues. I became anxious with my relationships as an adult.

3. Do you carry around stress-related emotions like anger or depression? I have an anxious attachment style as an adult. I stress out that relationships will end sooner then expected. I could just never feel at ease when I’m in a relationship. I feel like I must work hard to earn a man’s affection.

4. Do you transfer these to those around you? If so, how? I don’t relax in love. I feel that I must work hard for it. It’s ironic that I became drawn to avoidant men who withheld love and affection. I attracted partners who are unhealthy emotionally.

5. Is your self-esteem affected by your resentments? I felt insecure in love and relationships and myself. Physical attractiveness played great importance to me. Looks are superficial way to feel confident about oneself. It took me a long journey to tap into my true and authentic self.

6. Is your outlook on life affected by your resentments? Are you a cynic? I am not a cynic but mostly reserved about my thoughts and feelings. I am usually quiet and find it difficult to express my feelings. I felt less of importance to communicate my feelings and intentions even though it’s for my own good. I put other’s well-being and importance before myself.

Write about each of the following shortcomings that apply to you. Discuss how each has affected your life.

You are very needy when it comes to relationships. Yes

You fall in love very easily and too quickly. Yes

When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help
yourself. Yes

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve. Yes

When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner. Yes

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he
or she will change. Yes

Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go. Yes

When you are attracted to someone, you ignore all the warning signs that this person is not
good for you. Yes

Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love
and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option. Yes

When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have
a hard time trusting people. Yes

When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought
about suicide because of a failed relationship. Although I have had suicidal thoughts, I have felt lost and depressed.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship. Yes

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you. Yes

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love. Yes

You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship. Yes

You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company. In the past, yes

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely. Yes

You are terrified of never finding someone to love. Yes

You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship. Yes

You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you. Yes

You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value). Yes


When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety
and feed your fantasies. Yes

You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect,
depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what
you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with). Yes

More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing. Yes

You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it
involved dishonesty. Yes

You have stayed with an abusive person. I have

Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you
than meeting someone who is available. Yes

You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible. Yes

You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds. Yes

When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous. Yes

More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship. Yes

You have no impulse control when you are in love. Yes

You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with. Yes

More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with. Yes

You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person. Yes

If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away. Yes

Love is the most important thing in the world to you. Yes

Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday. Yes

As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies. Yes

You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell.
You lose your ability to make wise choices. Yes

You like to create drama and excitement. Yes

You have weak personal boundaries. You let people abuse you or take advantage of you. You do not know where you leave off and someone else begins. You do not know who you are or what you want. Yes

You have low self-esteem. Yes

You feel the compelling need to control using one or more of the following:

Image Management
Nagging
Being Helpless
Projecting Guilt
Stimulating Jealousy
Flattery
The Silent Treatment
Sex
Negative Caretaking
Hysteria or rage
Excessive phone calls or emails
Driving by someone’s home

You fear intimacy or commitment in healthy relationships. Yes

SELF-PITY: You feel sorry for yourself all the time. You wallow in your sorrows. You magnify your troubles. You think that you are different. You blame your problems on others. You withdraw from the world. You feel that no one understands or loves you. You feel things are hopeless and that you are a victim of circumstances. Yes

SELF-WILL: You are in collision with something or somebody (even with good motives). You are totally into yourself regardless of the consequences. Yes

DISHONESTY: You are not being honest with yourself or other people. You are lying. You are cheating and depriving others of not only their worldly goods but their emotional security and peace of mind. You are justifying your behavior—using alibis and stealing trust. Yes

SLOTH: You procrastinate and are lazy. You continually put off things that need to be done now. You are complacent. Yes

GLUTTONY: You engage in excessive eating, drinking, shopping and gambling. You are taking your comfort to the extreme. You have a compulsion to overindulge. Yes

RATIONALIZATION: You imagine you have good motives and reasons when you really don’t.

PERFECTIONISM: You are unwilling to accept human mistakes—yours and those of others. You set unrealistic standards for yourself and others then become frustrated and resentful if they are not met. You believe your standards are the only right ones.

IMPATIENCE: You want what you want, and you want it now. You are not living in the here and now. You have the inability to delay gratification. Yes


Part II
Assets

Now let’s move on to your assets. What do you want to want to keep? What do you like about yourself?

Personality traits—I am . . .

Patient
Kind
Intelligent
Insightful
Creative
Compassionate
Optimistic

Helping Others: What do you do for others? I easily lend a helping hand to a friend in need. I am also generous of my time and energy to support and help people in need.

Strength and Perseverance: Are you a survivor? Yes, I have resurrected myself with the help of my Higher Power from the treacherous trap and serious implications of my love addiction.