Procrastinating and Staying with the Feelings

Thank you so much, RoseNadler.

I attended a wonderful zoom LAA meeting last night and the topic was "Can I share my feelings?". I can with God, I can here, I can with friends, I could with my counselor, the hard part is sharing them with my husband. I have tried lots of times and he blocks me, so I have become less and less willing to try. Of course, this is a throw back from childhood.  My Mum was mentally ill and the message I received from other family members was "don't make a fuss, don't upset your Mum or she'll get ill".  I didn't make a fuss and she got ill anyway so the little girl thought it was her fault.  I've tiptoed around people and ignored my pain ever since, until I couldn't any longer.

Someone shared that she had realized that it wasn't so much sharing the feelings that she was afraid of as the resulting rejection if she asked for her needs to be met and the POA either couldn't or wouldn't respond. That is the nub of my problem; the pain of reaching out for connection but not being responded to. Classic attachment injury stuff.  I'm finally realizing that it is worse to keep reaching out and being rejected, or remaining silent, than taking the risk and, if the denial is finally shattered, continuing with my healing and moving on.

I will revisit my letter. I've been writing it in my head on and off since I woke up, interspersed with my prayers. I trust in the process and God will let me know if and when the time is right to send it.

There was a wonderful meditation in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie today and I want to share it for anyone else struggling with indecision.  It is helping me find the courage to write and send my letter, in God's perfect way and timing:  

ENDING RELATIONSHIPS 

It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship— with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.

Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.

We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or
don’t want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.

Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.

As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth. We are not sparing the other person’s feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort— for the other person and ourselves.

If we don’t know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.

If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.

Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do.

Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.

Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.

Beattie, Melody. The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 194). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Thank you for being here and listening.

Hopeful7:

I sat down to write a response to you, oh, on FRIDAY and then...my husband needed a the computer. Thanks for the Melody Beattie quote - says alot to me. Can't go wrong with Ms. Beattie!

One of Howard Halpern's aphorisms comes to mind when I read through your post here. "The pain of NOT ending it will continue. If you end it, the pain will have a limited time." (I am paraphrasing that). The longer you sit on the end, the more pain you will continue to generate. When you decided, "I'm done" it's painful, but the pain is GOING TO END if you keep on your self-work (and worth) path like you are.

Have you physically written the letter to your husband? From what you have written, it does not sound like he is receptive to your needs. Or is even listening to you or WANTS to fix the marriage. His actions are screaming to me I DON'T CARE. This is what I have read from your posts. Obviously I am not living your life - merely reading your words.

Or you can write the letter and NEVER send it. I've done that a few times. Of course there was the one time that I did send my "this is the end - don't contact me" letter - and my xOM CALLED ME to discuss it. Yeah - that was strange.

For now, write it out, ponder it, review it. You don't have to send it if you don't want to. Just seeing it written out may point you in the direction you need to go.

Also, you lived without your husband before - you can live without the relationship in your future. It's getting to the future that is the hard part.

And you are DOING FANTASTIC.