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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 3, 2020 22:01:45 GMT -8
Hi everyone. I am a month away from the one year anniversary of my breakup with my PoA (I am a torchbearer, so I still suffer in regards to this person, though not as acutely or often as I have at other times this past year). It was during September of last year, however, that things started to get really rough. He came back from a solo trip in another country very withdrawn and distant after being extremely present, giving and loving in our relationship (I really thought I had finally hit the jackpot), but consistently reassured me that nothing was wrong until about a month later, when he said he could no longer engage in the relationship in the same way as he had before his trip and the breakup occurred. It was in September 2019 that the trauma bond really formed and cemented, I think. He later told me that he had a "revelation" on this trip that included a lot of repressed feelings coming to the surface, but he would never disclose the details.
Today, I started experiencing a lot of challenging feelings in relationship to this anniversary. Through some research I've learned that this is often called an "anniversary reaction," particular to upsetting or negative events. I also almost felt the urge to reach out to him, to ask him why he insisted on friendship multiple times but has not checked in on me in months during a pandemic, etc. Complete radio silence from his end, in spite of claims that he really cared about me and wanted me in his life. I'm not saying that I would be able to be friends with him, and I told him as much, but the disconnect between who I thought he was and who he is showing himself to be is really messing with me, even though I am aware that the disconnect does exist. We haven't engaged directly for about 4.5 months, after I told him I missed him and he dismissed me coldly. It was the beginning of the pandemic and I was seeking comfort from him after we had recently gotten back in touch. Because of the distance and the global situation, I thought expressing my feelings would be understandable.
Anyway, a lot of the feelings that came up this time last year are resurfacing, not like I am reliving them, but I guess I am memorializing the pain, fear, confusion, gaslighting, and ultimate abandonment I felt. I nearly reached out to him today even though I really have nothing to say, except "what did I do to deserve this, etc.," which I know wouldn't serve me, and which he couldn't answer anyway. Luckily I was able to refrain. Does anyone have any suggestions on productive ways to get through this difficult time? I have been unable to attend meetings recently as I have been busy in other areas of life but words of insight and encouragement are always helpful to me, and I hope to get to a meeting soon.
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 4, 2020 4:19:10 GMT -8
TBH I detest Septembers for many personal reasons, so I share your sadness with this September. BUT...this isn't about me. It's about YOU.
Your key word here are "almost". YOU DID NOT CONTACT HIM. You are in control of that. Sure anniversaries are terrible. The one year anniversary especially. IMO the year anniversary of a break up is the worst one of all.
From your post I am reading that he does not wish to interact with you. Respect his silence. He has given you the gift of time - time to find out where you are, why you are and the gift of healing yourself. "Yeah - some 'gift' SexlessW. Feels GREAT!" It certainly doesn't feel like a "gift" right now. But you will come to learn, in time, this is what you needed for YOURSELF.
Respect him by NOT contacting him. He has given you his reasons but not saying a word. His reasons are his reasons. You can go bonko by trying to figure out what happened on his solo trip, but that will get you nowhere except your own solo trip to nowhere. The only respectful answer to silence is silence. Silence is eloquent, dignified and always, always heard.
Send out a prayer/good vibes/heartfelt love to him. Pray that he is okay and living life as well as HE CAN. There will come a day, next year, the year after, the year after that, when September will be just another month. That is going to be your small step goal.
I'll give you my situation. Come to think of it, it was September too- September 2006. I was leaving the location where my OM and I worked. Three days before I left, he and I talked. I got my hit of him - what a hit! And told him, "I'll call you in January [2007]." December 2006 my new location held a Christmas party. After the event I drove past xOM's house (!!!). It was dark, but there were Christmas lights on the outside, all lit up. I felt wretched - how cheerfully he was going about his life without me. Meanwhile, I was struggling. But I'd be d---ed if I was going to give in and call him.
January 2007 came around and I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to pick up that telephone and call him. But the memory of how cheerful his house was WITHOUT ME stopped me. I knew if I called him that I would be backtracking on my own healing.
If I contacted him and he didn't answer, I'd be left where I'd been that September. If he did answer, I'd be back on the merry-go-round of a relationship that was not moving anywhere - except in a circle. Along with the pain of "being with" him.
I didn't call. I cried, I played music which reminded me of him, but I did not call. I stood my ground. He heard my silence loudly and clearly. I kept my dignity. Let HIM think I'd moved on! That's what my actions were showing him!
Silence, eloquence, dignity = self respect and self love.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 4, 2020 5:04:41 GMT -8
Anniversaries suck. I can’t add much to what sexlessw said. Sometimes, you just have to get through something, because there’s just no way to avoid it. Try to comfort yourself in healthy ways. That’s the best way to show your inner, vulnerable self that YOU love yourself. As your inner, vulnerable self comes to trust this and believe it, your pain will lessen over time. (Hard to believe right now - but true. BTDT.)
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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 4, 2020 8:24:07 GMT -8
Thanks for the insights and words of support, sexlessw and RoseNadler . Needless to say, I HAVE been on my own solo journey this past year trying to figure out what the hell happened, where that loving and darling person went, and it has led me nowhere except a constant loop of pain, confusion, and reliving of trauma. My problem is, I have so much trouble not making it my fault and believing that if I had done or not done something differently, we wouldn't be in that situation. This is my way of trying to assert control over a situation that I had and have no control over, because if something is my fault at least I can legislate how I handle it. That is where the rumination comes in. But, realistically, if he wanted to be with me he'd be with me regardless of whatever minor things I'm allowing myself to obsess over. I just don't understand why he so resolutely was able to remove me from his life, when nothing bad happened between us. It is beyond devastating and it is hard to imagine I will ever be able to sit with that peacefully. I hope I am not completely regressing and all progress is not going out the window. Anniversaries certainly are rough and transport you to a dark place. |
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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 4, 2020 11:58:03 GMT -8
The strong urge to reach out is here again today. Luckily I don't have the number in my phone and it is sort of a hassle for me to get it, or I would not be sure that I could curb my impulses. I want affirmation from him that I matter so badly, even if no longer as a partner. I can't understand why he was able to discard me so easily and seemingly forget me. It is too painful. But I know that reaching out could only make it worse, based on what I've learned this year, and erase any progress I may have made. I feel like I've just been broken up with all over again.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 4, 2020 12:08:00 GMT -8
I have no breakups in September but I did lose people. My husband was buried on September 3 which is his birthday. I had a second memorial for him in his home town on my birthday on September 15. I also buried my mother on September 15. But I still love September.
I had a teacher once who made us write thank you letters to our PoA on the anniversary of our breakup. In the long run it was a good decision and freed me receive the happiness I deserved.
I am a torchbearer too. I still love everybody I ever loved. But my major love is God and he will never leave me. Torchbearers can't stop loving for a long time but they can make the best of it. The secret is to go from obsession to endearment to sentiment. When the pain is gone you are FREE, even if you still love this person. Loving someone who is unavailable is only painful when you want them to reciprocate. When you give that up and accept the situation the pain subsides.
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 4, 2020 12:38:39 GMT -8
You did yourself a favor by having that number hard to reach. Nobody, including myself, ever said NC was easy. Finding a way forward with your own healing is the most difficult thing, no matter if it's a year, two years or five years away from the relationship.
The thing about getting any affirmation from him - he can give you none. We get affirmation from ourselves. Nobody can give that to you. It's that shut, locked door with no key to the room in a house you have sold. You cannot go back there and there are NO hidden messages within the locked room for you to find.
I like Susannah's suggestion of writing him a thank you letter - and NOT sending it. "XPoA Thank you for allowing me the chance to go through this journey. If you had remained in my life, I could not have done this. I am finding out more about myself than I was able to do with you. You have given me the biggest, most difficult gift a person can give another person. The gift of MYSELF. In the future, that gift will keep on giving for ME. And I will pass along the gift to others who will cherish and appreciate it."
As for that "loving and darling person" - that may have been him in the beginning, when at the start of the relationship he was on his best behavior. However, time goes on, the relationship seems to grow, and the "loving and darling person" disappears, leaving you hanging in the trauma dance.
If he were TRULY the person to have a full-fledged relationship with, you would NOT be where you are. He would NOT have just told you some b.s. about "changing" on his solo journey when he could have been honest and told you straight up "this isn't working for me" and tell you why. How cowardly of him to do what he did.
Step away from the person you THOUGHT he was and look at his actions. Are those the actions of somebody you wish to be a part of your life? Always, always, always: Actions scream. Words whisper. What did his ACTIONS show you?
The anniversary part will end. Keep that in mind. This is going to end and you are going to MOVE THROUGH this.
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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 4, 2020 14:29:21 GMT -8
God grant me the serenity to stay the hell away from him!
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 5, 2020 14:45:25 GMT -8
We're behind you all the way. I hate to write this - but here it is. STAY STRONG! Feel like a slip up coming on? Come over here and post. I hope you are able to make a meeting at some point this weekend. One moment doing something different is one moment NOT contacting him - or being tempted to.
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Post by Linda S. on Sept 5, 2020 16:52:28 GMT -8
Such wonderful posts on here and I'm registering them all. You are doing great by sharing all of this, Emily. The words that come to my mind are that you have been released, not rejected. You are a survivor and every day you resist the urge to make contact is one day closer to being free of the pain.
Someone reminded me the other day that the future unfolds one day at a time and that is all we can be sure of. If you resolve not to make contact today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Hope to see you in a zoom meeting soon. Ask God all the questions you want to ask this guy, cry out to God in your confusion and frustration and you will be a step further away from making contact.
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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 5, 2020 20:09:45 GMT -8
Thanks Linda S. and sexlessw for your continuing encouragement. Why do you hate to write stay strong? I plan on coming to the beginner's meeting tomorrow morning. I would love to make the women's meeting as well but have another Zoom obligation beforehand that might unfortunately run overtime. And yes, another day of resisting direct contact, although it certainly was on my mind. Entertaining the fantasies or memories or "what ifs" feel like contact in a sense, because I am still ruminating, but I've just been trying to name my feelings in those moments and explore why I might be coming to those thoughts. Also trying to practice self-compassion/gentleness which is new for me. Doing my best... |
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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 5, 2020 20:25:38 GMT -8
Susan Peabody, your definition of torchbearer is so helpful. I can still hold the love, but I can't have the expectations. It is not a bad thing to contain love for someone inside, even if it cannot be expressed in a certain way anymore. It is possible to love someone's essence from afar, and to appreciate the role they played in your life (only with much time and space does this wisdom truly set in, of course). I just have to learn how to reframe this love in respect to him, because this situation has me particularly triggered. I thought I was really happy in the relationship, and having it change on me so suddenly was jarring in a way from which I have found it difficult to recover.
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Post by BunnyEars on Sept 6, 2020 5:05:09 GMT -8
SweetEmmyLou,
Your post resonates with me, and I'm guessing with everyone. Breakup "anniversaries," the pain of being left seemingly out of the blue....oh yes I get it. I'm really impressed at how you're handling it, thinking and talking it through, not giving into the urge to contact. I think you sound like, despite it all, your head is in the right place and you won't do anything to mess up your healing. Keep up the great work!
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Post by sweetemmylou on Sept 6, 2020 9:21:12 GMT -8
Hi all,
Writing here to maintain accountability. I don't know if I will make it to the beginner's meeting in 40 minutes as I have a long, three-hour networking Zoom meeting later today for which I have to prepare. If it ends early, I will come to the women's meeting later today. Otherwise, I will make it to another meeting ASAP this coming week. Just want to say it and "show up" and not go at it alone even in my scheduling. Thanks for all the support. Hope to see you all in some capacity soon.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 6, 2020 10:40:56 GMT -8
My worst obsession was in high school. His name was David. I adored him and broke into his locker just to see if he had written my name on his books. I was convinced he really returned my affection which he did not. We call this erotomania.
I was still in love with him at the 20-year high school reunion. I asked him to dance and we started dating. I had just started my recovery for love addiction, but I could not resist the chance to be with him even though he was an alcoholic and drug addict.
For the first few weeks all I saw was the boy I had loved in 1964. I did not notice his addictions. We call this projection. Eventually, the projection faded and I saw what I was getting into. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose alcohol over me. I walked away. This was my first victory in recovery. By this time he was in love with me so it was really hard. To this day I still feel love for him, but it is no longer painful.
The secret to understanding torchbearing is that it never goes away because you are projecting your childhood need for the love of your parents, in this case my father, and your inner child never gives up on this. It is ironic that David turned out to an alcoholic like my father. I don't think this was a coincidence either.
My hook for loving David was not passion. When we first met he told me a sad story about himself and I felt sorry for him just like I did for my dad. A big hook for my love addiction and codependency is sympathy.
I now project my need to love and be loved on to God now that my husband has passed on. I started this when I was single and it still continued while I was married. That is why I did not obsess over my husband. Love was enough . . .
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Post by sexlessw on Sept 9, 2020 13:59:55 GMT -8
Ah, I don't like to say "Stay strong" because it seems like such a cliche to say it. It seems hollow, yet when I wrote it to you, I truly meant it.
How are you doing? Did you make a meeting? Are you applying gentleness to yourself?
It hurts you because, IMO, he had you bamboozled. He had you believing that things were okay - and then pulled the change on you. THAT is what hurts. You are okay - maintain the course of NC, keeping your own accountabilty AND keeping his contact information away from your hands.
September will end (but we won't have to wake you up!) and you are going to get through this month.
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