RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 13, 2020 8:36:46 GMT -8
Some of you guys think I’m so recovered and evolved, but I’m really not.
I still love L; want him to love me; and still miss the part of the relationship when we were more romantic.
I still want, more than anything else, to love and be loved.
Sometimes I feel like “recovery” means I shouldn’t want the things I want.
I’m doing a lot of recovery stuff, and have been for almost 18 months now. But I still want what I want.
I want to be in a loving romantic/sexual relationship - and I can’t imagine doing that with anybody except L.
Is it wrong that I’d like to remarry someday, and have a nice house?
Is it wrong to want the things that most women of my background have?
Is it wrong to think I deserve better than single life? That I deserve better than living alone in a stuffpy apartment, and having to deal with every tough part of life alone?
My brain is full of logic and recovery. My heart (or Inner Child, maybe) still wants what it wants.
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Post by Linda S. on Sept 14, 2020 6:41:26 GMT -8
Your share really touched me, thank you. No, I don't think it's wrong to want to love and be loved, in a healthy way. I want that, too. I'm not sure I know what it looks like yet as I don't think I've experienced a relationship that wasn't addictive, but I'm willing to learn. I'm not sure if that will ever occur with my husband as he isn't open to consciously doing the work, but already I'm seeing changes, as I change. I don't have to know what will happen next week, month or year. I need to work towards loving myself, healing, and being rigorously honest, about myself and the people I hang on to, and trust the results to God.
I am always encouraged by your posts, especially the ones, like this, where you express your doubts and vulnerabilities.....I think that's all a part of our journey. We need to bring things into the light for healing.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 14, 2020 6:47:27 GMT -8
Thank you for answering. ❤️
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 23, 2020 13:25:19 GMT -8
IMO it's okay to want things. Are those things that you WANT really what you NEED?
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 24, 2020 6:06:52 GMT -8
IMO it's okay to want things. Are those things that you WANT really what you NEED? Considering that the last time I lived alone was terrible, and I had panic attacks several times a day — the idea of living alone still scares me. L and I seem to be doing well. So my recovery mind tells me I probably don’t have to worry. It also tells me, if the worst should happen, there are more ways of avoiding living alone than being in a relationship. I’d be OK with a roommate. I think that fear of abandonment deep inside might not ever go away. Something must have happened to me early in my life that broke that part of my mind permanently. |
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 24, 2020 12:14:15 GMT -8
The fear of abandonment might not go away and be part of your mind until you cease to exist.
That does not mean you are living your life in permanent fear and letting it run your every move.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 24, 2020 14:06:17 GMT -8
The fear of abandonment might not go away and be part of your mind until you cease to exist. That does not mean you are living your life in permanent fear and letting it run your every move. Amen. People never relieved me of my fear of abandonment. But God did. He is more reliable than people.. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 24, 2020 14:10:30 GMT -8
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. When I put God first he sent me Frank. I was 56. It is just a matter of priorities. |
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 25, 2020 6:30:19 GMT -8
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. When I put God first he sent me Frank. I was 56. It is just a matter of priorities. I’ve always been afraid that if I put God first, he’ll make me be a nun or something. If that’s God’s will for me....he might have to give me a lobotomy so I will be truly happy with that. |
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 25, 2020 6:51:44 GMT -8
More thoughts on this topic.
Life has trained me in the idea that I’m not supposed to want or need things.
When I was a child, my father actively encouraged me to be “easy to deal with,” and constantly put down any attempts I made to be proactive or initiate anything. He actually told me not to bother my mother.
If I asked for anything, the answer was “no” nine times out of ten. If I expressed an emotion or an opinion that he didn’t like, he made it clear to me that he didn’t care what I thought or how I felt. He wanted his children to be easy to deal with. He didn’t like dealing with real life - emotions, disagreements, or people bothering him when he wanted to be left alone.
It didn’t help that I started dating as a teenager, and teenage boys are almost never ready for a real relationship. I should have just waited until I was grown up to date. I would have avoided a lot of pain and bull s h i t.
I never really saw the point of dating around casually. In a lot of ways, I didn’t really see the point of being a child or a teenager. I wanted to grow up already and have my real life start. (Hindsight is 20/20. Now that I’m way too old to do childhood and the teen years over again, I see the good things about it!)
Anyway, between my father and my early dating, I got trained into the idea that I have to be “easy to deal with” and “low-maintenance.” Men don’t like high-maintenance women. So I’ve spent most of my life holding back my real thoughts and feelings, and trying to be “low-maintenance.”
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Post by Linda S. on Sept 26, 2020 17:21:03 GMT -8
Yes, I can relate to this 100% but well into my sixties, and after more than 30 years in one type of recovery or another, I'm finally learning that it's OK to have wants and needs and that doesn't make me wrong or high maintenance. The person I am with can choose not to meet them and then I can choose, but just having the freedom to acknowledge that I do have my own thoughts, wants, feelings and desires is a huge step forward. I pray you can arrive at some peace with it all.
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 12, 2020 3:32:27 GMT -8
The older I've gotten, the more I've found some men to be "high maintenance". Or is that because I've gotten older and don't care as much?
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Oct 12, 2020 6:33:29 GMT -8
I’m so over high-maintenance men.
I think that’s partly the recovery I’ve been doing, and partly getting older and less patient with bull s h I t. (Maybe there ARE some good things about getting older! Ha ha.)
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 16, 2020 3:51:19 GMT -8
Rose Nadler:
Yes - I agree. The older you get, the less time to put up or listen to or deal with b.s. Most definately that is a positive when you age. Less time to fret over HIGH MAINTENANCE men (and women).
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