I hate falling in love | Recovery from Love Addiction

BunnyEars
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I hate falling in love Oct 12, 2020 10:56:43 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by BunnyEars on Oct 12, 2020 10:56:43 GMT -8

Been dating Sunny guy for 7 months now, and yeah, I'm falling in love with him.

And it feels.....awful! Obviously being with him is great, and he consistently treats me well, but I associate this feeling as being out of control.

As a love addict, I'm used to this feeling ending with me getting smacked to the ground. Sunny assures me he isn't going anywhere, but people say all kinds of things during the honeymoon part of the relationship. Now is when I become more needy, more vulnerable, more anxious. I just want to be with Sunny all the time, and of course I can't. I have to maintain my own life, my own home. But my inner addict wants MORE MORE MORE.

I know I have better tools now than I used to. And I think I've chosen a better partner to dance with. We've maintained a reasonable pace for 7 months, I think. We spend about 3 nights a week together. We've taken our first trip together (5 days.) We call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. We've spoken about moving in together down the road if things continue.

For other people, does falling in love feel safe and fun? Sadly, I view it as fraught with danger.

RoseNadler
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I hate falling in love Oct 13, 2020 6:22:27 GMT -8 via mobile terra likes this

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Post by RoseNadler on Oct 13, 2020 6:22:27 GMT -8

I can relate to what you’re saying.

My Addict Brain has gotten me into too many situations with problematic men. When most of your love life experiences have been painful, the mind takes a shortcut and assumes ALL love life experiences will end in pain.

It sucks, because I’ve had so much trouble learning that some guys will stick around when things aren’t fun anymore. Every time I’ve had a tough spot with any relationship, I’ve been sure it was the beginning of the end.

That’s why I’ve run away from good guys. Even as late as my 40s and early 50s. L and I had some problems in our relationship - so I bailed, before it could get worse.

One thing that sucks so much about LA: you need to have firm enough boundaries so that you don’t put up with bad treatment. But at the same time, you have to learn how to let good things and good people inside your boundaries. You don’t want your boundaries to become walls.

What if….I could do Step Three BEFORE my life becomes a total disaster?

BunnyEars
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I hate falling in love Oct 13, 2020 7:32:26 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by BunnyEars on Oct 13, 2020 7:32:26 GMT -8

Yep, RoseNadler, exactly. I don't want to get so needy, anxious and clingy that I drive him away. I also don't want my pessimism to keep me hyper-vigilant for signs of abandonment. I just want to RELAX and my nervous system sometimes has other ideas.

I think most people experience a bit of the roller coaster feeling at the beginning of a relationship, but I feel like with people like us it's 10 times worse.

RoseNadler
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I hate falling in love Oct 14, 2020 6:40:59 GMT -8 via mobile terra likes this

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Post by RoseNadler on Oct 14, 2020 6:40:59 GMT -8

I really envy people who seem to just fall into a great relationship, and everything happens like it’s meant to, at the right times — and the people can just let things happen without worrying about it.

But then when I’ve been in situations where a relationship seemed to be unfolding smoothly, it’s always, “What’s the catch? This can’t possibly be this easy.” I always think love relationships come easily to most people — but I have to earn them somehow. It’s like I’m not as good as the people for whom relationships come easily. I’m defective in some way, so I’ll have to work at it harder, or I’ll have to “settle;” or I’ll have to accept being alone because something is wrong with me so I’m less likely to have a relationship.....etc. It’s excruciating self-torture.

What if….I could do Step Three BEFORE my life becomes a total disaster?

Sexlessw
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I hate falling in love Oct 21, 2020 12:41:51 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 21, 2020 12:41:51 GMT -8

Bunny Ears:

Hello! Wow - seven months with the Sunny man? It doesn't seem so long ago you were posting about taking him to a foreign film.

You asked "For other people, does falling in love feel safe and fun? Sadly, I view it as fraught with danger."

SexlessW raises hand with a "No! I too find it fraught with danger."

However, now I understand myself enough (after years of that self work I kept harping on) to know where my boundaries are. That was the difficult part: boundaries not barriers.

You've come a long way - now you are knowing and acknowledging your actions and feelings - and NOT rushing headlong into an engulfing, scary relationship. IMO what you are feeling is very normal for folks like us.