RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Oct 27, 2020 16:09:11 GMT -8
.....but at least it’s not as strong as it used to be. And it hasn’t been with me in a long time.
L and I had eaten dinner, and everything seemed normal. We were on the couch watching TV. I asked if I could have some cuddling, and so we cuddled. After about 40 minutes, he got up and went to bed. A few minutes later, I went to check on him. When I asked if he was okay, he said he had a sinus headache.
He gets those a lot. And we’d had a perfectly normal evening. And things between us have been calm and normal for a long time.
But my anxiety is probably never going to go away and leave me alone. I have to remember, I’ve probably had an anxiety disorder all my life. I’ve been in therapy for it. I have medication for it. It might not EVER leave me alone.
At least tonight, it’s not as bad as it has been before.
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Post by sexlessw on Oct 28, 2020 3:44:55 GMT -8
Better less than MORE AND MORE.  |
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Oct 28, 2020 5:40:24 GMT -8
This morning, I asked L if his sinus headaches come on gradually, or if they hit him all at once. He said they tend to start small and build up. Then I said, “Yeah, you seemed perfectly normal all evening, and then all of a sudden you went to bed.”
He said, “I already didn’t feel well, but I was acting normal.”
True. He greeted me normally. He got us some takeout for dinner (as previously planned), and we ate dinner, watched something I prefer on TV, and cuddled a little.
If he was on his own without me, I wonder if he would have done any of that. I wonder if he would have just come home from work, fed the cat and gone straight to bed. He feels like he has to act somewhat normal when he’s sick because I’m there.
I think I’m overthinking this.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Oct 30, 2020 6:30:45 GMT -8
Who do I think I’m kidding?
This anxiety is not only around L. I’m anxious and feeling crazy as hell about this upcoming 2020 U.S. election.
Also, it’s a tough time of year because my mother (who had a birthday in late October) died three years ago this November 6. And when she died, that reopened my pain around losing my grandmother (my mother’s mother, who also had a late October birthday and died in the month of November.)
Because I’m a LA, and the addict brain tells me, “As long as L loves me, nothing else can be really bad” — I think I project my feelings of anxiety and loss into my relationship with L. Instead of letting out my fear and pain around the election and around my losses, I worry instead, “Why can’t I have more cuddling and affection from L? Why do I have to hold back my feelings and not be ‘needy’’?”
I can finally see one good thing about the state of being totally single with no partner: I wouldn’t have to hold back my feelings and needs. Even if all goes well with me and L, and one of us dies before we ever split up (best case scenario, I die first - but he’s older than me) — sooner or later I’ll be left on my own again. And when that happens, my anxiety and fear will rise right back up and make me feel crazy again, like I was in early 2019.
Only, without a partner, at least I won’t have to worry about looking crazy, needy, emotional, or clingy.
WTF is wrong with the human race? Why can’t we collectively get over this idea that having emotions (and showing them) is “wrong”?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 31, 2020 5:37:37 GMT -8
I am also anxious about the elections . . .
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Post by sexlessw on Nov 2, 2020 3:59:47 GMT -8
At least you are THINKING and UNDERSTANDING about these things. Imagine NOT having come here, done hard work AND having anxiety over the election this year?
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Post by bonitavanhooser on Dec 24, 2020 6:27:30 GMT -8
Sometimes the reaction or little action of your loved one or even partner make your depressed. However, it is always tough for me to examine feelings of anxiety and depression.
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terra
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Post by terra on Mar 18, 2021 9:50:12 GMT -8
I got hit very bad with anxiety, remorse, guilt, you name it, last weekend after I came across some letters from my parents from like over twenty years ago.
They had to step in to take care of my very young kids when my first husband was not doing really a good job. At all.
Then he ran off leaving our children.
I was in the States at the time.
I had to relive all those feelings of abandonment etc.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Mar 19, 2021 8:28:46 GMT -8
It sounds to me like this is something from your past, and it’s been in the past for a long time.
If you have ever done something like Steps Eight and Nine, maybe that would help with your feelings about this. I’ve done a lot of things I feel guilty and remorseful about. When I remember that I can’t go back in time and do things differently, I feel terrible. But then I remember Step Eight (make a list of people you have done wrong to) and Step Nine (make amends to this person if possible.)
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Jun 23, 2021 15:52:19 GMT -8
And…..it’s back again.
Almost the same scenario as in my first share. L isn’t feeling well, says sinuses are acting up, seemed pretty normal and ate dinner, but went to bed at around 7:30 PM.
I know for a fact that this happens to him maybe six to eight times a year. I know he doesn’t need to have to reassure me on top of being sick, so I’m holding back, not being clingy, not bothering him, just letting him sleep.
I do think that, after two years in recovery, my anxiety is not as strong as it used to be. It used to feel like I was drowning in a tsunami of fear. Now it’s more like a little kid who’s following me around, sounding whiny, pestering me for reassurance. (And I think that just might be my own inner child, so I know I should talk to her and comfort her.)
Today L has been less physically affectionate than usual - which is normal if he’s sick. But ever since I started dating and getting involved with guys, I’ve always gotten very anxious if the man seemed to suddenly be less physically affectionate with me. Lack of affection, or less affection than usual, REALLY triggers me. In fact, it was the real root cause of the problems L and I had six and seven years ago. My inner child thinks “less affection = I’m going to be abandoned.”
If I can talk to little me, try to make her understand that she has me now, and I’m not going anywhere….that will help. And it also helps to bring up some of my good early childhood memories of my mother and grandmother loving me. If I can show Little Me that Big Me loves her the way they did, I think that will help.
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