Post by RoseNadler on Dec 8, 2020 5:18:51 GMT -8
I keep yearning for something that’s always just out of reach.
I want to be married and buy a house, and I’ve wanted that for years. But I never quite get there. When I did get married, I married a guy who wasn’t going to work out for me (and deep down inside, I knew this.) Then I sabotaged the marriage. Now, I’ve been in a long-term (mostly live-in) relationship for 19 years. But still no marriage and no buying a home together. And in late 2014, I tried to bolt - because reality was what it was, and not what I wanted it to be. I guess it’s progress that I was able to admit I was wrong about that, and take a chance on asking him to try again.
I’ve never had a long-term, stable career with an organization. I was at Organization 1 for six years, and at Organization 2 for five years. I got as far as I could in those organizations, and then I couldn’t get any farther - I was stuck. And I got burned out at both places. In both those situations, I applied for other jobs that were on that career path, but I didn’t get any of them. Maybe I gave up too soon. Or maybe subconsciously I blew the interviews. In any case, I keep ending up back in technical writing. Which isn’t a bad gig. But I always run up against the fact that at heart, I really don’t want a demanding, American-style career at all. I don’t want a career that will eat my whole life.
Am I just lazy? If I’m honest with myself, what I really want in the work world is to be retired. I’ve still got 10 years to go (most likely.) It all just seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Except it isn’t, because I need the money and the health insurance. I envy people in countries where they have universal health care, shorter workweeks, a lot of vacation time, and strong laws protecting employees.
If I do have ASD or ADHD (as I suspect), maybe the way my brain is wired prevents me from being able to jump into anything with both feet and give it my all.
Am I afraid of the unknown? Maybe afraid that if I move forward, I won’t be able to handle it, so it’s safer to stay where I am? I distinctly remember feeling this way in childhood sometimes.
Things are never as good in real life as they are in my imagination. Since I’ve seen this play out in real life a few times, maybe my mind takes a shortcut: it’s better to imagine doing something than it is to actually do it. Reality is always disappointing, so stay in the dream world.
Maybe I hold myself back. Maybe I keep myself stuck, and don’t allow myself to go on to bigger and better things. Now, why is that? And what can I do about it?
I want to be married and buy a house, and I’ve wanted that for years. But I never quite get there. When I did get married, I married a guy who wasn’t going to work out for me (and deep down inside, I knew this.) Then I sabotaged the marriage. Now, I’ve been in a long-term (mostly live-in) relationship for 19 years. But still no marriage and no buying a home together. And in late 2014, I tried to bolt - because reality was what it was, and not what I wanted it to be. I guess it’s progress that I was able to admit I was wrong about that, and take a chance on asking him to try again.
I’ve never had a long-term, stable career with an organization. I was at Organization 1 for six years, and at Organization 2 for five years. I got as far as I could in those organizations, and then I couldn’t get any farther - I was stuck. And I got burned out at both places. In both those situations, I applied for other jobs that were on that career path, but I didn’t get any of them. Maybe I gave up too soon. Or maybe subconsciously I blew the interviews. In any case, I keep ending up back in technical writing. Which isn’t a bad gig. But I always run up against the fact that at heart, I really don’t want a demanding, American-style career at all. I don’t want a career that will eat my whole life.
Am I just lazy? If I’m honest with myself, what I really want in the work world is to be retired. I’ve still got 10 years to go (most likely.) It all just seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Except it isn’t, because I need the money and the health insurance. I envy people in countries where they have universal health care, shorter workweeks, a lot of vacation time, and strong laws protecting employees.
If I do have ASD or ADHD (as I suspect), maybe the way my brain is wired prevents me from being able to jump into anything with both feet and give it my all.
Am I afraid of the unknown? Maybe afraid that if I move forward, I won’t be able to handle it, so it’s safer to stay where I am? I distinctly remember feeling this way in childhood sometimes.
Things are never as good in real life as they are in my imagination. Since I’ve seen this play out in real life a few times, maybe my mind takes a shortcut: it’s better to imagine doing something than it is to actually do it. Reality is always disappointing, so stay in the dream world.
Maybe I hold myself back. Maybe I keep myself stuck, and don’t allow myself to go on to bigger and better things. Now, why is that? And what can I do about it?