Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 29, 2020 13:09:28 GMT -8
This thread is a way to express yourself, pros and cons, when it comes to not having a romantic relationship in your life. Ask yourself if it is worth all the trouble you go to in the hopes of being loved in return or to avoid loneliness? Is it the best thing that ever happened to you?
EXPRESS yourself . . .
Being Single: Is it Really a Fate Worse Than Death
I am currently single and I find it wonderful. I am really taking the time to get to know myself and get school done. When the time is right a man will come into my life. With love addiction I have made the worst choices . Dating unavailable men who were sex addicts and avoidance. I feel no contact and working on myself I am able to live in solitude and a lot of peace and I am a lot less stressed out and anxious. The old me would be running behind men left right and center so I'd never fully grief the loss of the previous man I dated . It was very toxic. Now I am working LAA and getting a lot out of it. It's progress over perfection <3 be gentle with yourselves . we are all a work in progress <3
I need an advice. I am relatively active on FB, when it gets to comments on some political issues and such in a crowd where Russian speaking attorneys and other pretty prominent folks from Chicagoland are active. We write mostly English though.
I also post ads about my little business, so FB works for me.
Here comes a question.I am not there by my real name and you can tell it is not: it is obvious. This is the second time when someone starts PM me and these guys are well established. I am terrified. For a number of reasons. I am not into ANY dating whatsoever. I have to get out of the financial dump I am in. How to approach this potentially devastating abyss when I would have to confront this: this attorney and he has well known in the community, well respected and younger than me, is messaging me now. He does not have a bad reputation. I need to get equipped with the nicest language ever to be able to:
Are the messages going in a sexual or dating direction?
I just had to block some wackjob who kept on messaging me, asking how old I was, how I was doing - and attempting to call (on a number that is now defunct). Suffice it to say he got blocked and Unfriended.
I would say neither, it is more like checking out but nothing really awkward.
However, I would prefer to keep things status quo: I like to chat about politics. But there is one guy who was talking some sequel I forgot which one and then he says that we should watch it together- it was in the movie theaters like two years ago.
The attorney kept it kind of neutral but still: I would rather not get engaged into ANYTHING for a number of reasons.
It was Fantastic Beasts, I just looked at the chat.
the only reason I am on FB is to promote my little interpreting business and it is working. Nothing else. When I am ready to date, it is going to be off FB anyway.
But before that, there is so much to be done financially.
I am very much aware that, due to my own unavailability very often but not always, I have been attracting tons of unhealthy people.
I do not want this repetition.
I prefer to keep men I never met in person, exactly where they are: in cyberspace.
My head is not messed up with new encounters but I do not want to take a chance: I drove 60 miles yesterday to some court house to interpret and then back( my new car is a hybrid!), but I am glad there is something I can do. I just need to keep digging.
Also I have this tendency when not men but women as well get very much attracted to me. Not in sexual way of course.
This girl whom I secured a SBA loan, brought me a container of red caviar- it is very Russian and kind of expensive. I mailed her a X-mas card and next time we met, I gave her Elizabeth Arden face cream. From TJ Maxx. It is not matching price but still.
Then she shows up: I promised to work on her loan modification and brings the same caviar.
She can do money wise: she makes over 80K a year and I am sure she has been enjoying giving. Well see, I love gifts and who does not, but I am in no position to gift back.
So what do in a situation like that?
How to navigate that?
Please note it is very much in Soviet culture to gift and not always as a bribe.
It sounds to me that this woman is blurring the boundaries between business and friendship. From your description, it’s hard for me to tell whether it’s a business relationship or a budding friendship.
(Keeping in mind that there might be cultural differences between Russians doing business, and Americans doing business, that I am not aware of. Also keeping in mind that I personally am more introverted and slower to make friends than most other Americans.)
What if….I could do Step Three BEFORE my life becomes a total disaster?
Your assumption is right: she is crossing my boundaries and she has been doing so since we started. I used to navigate her nicely back on the topic and sometime she stays focused thru the whole class.
I am very outgoing but I have trying to keep as low profile as possible due to a number of things in my life that you guys are aware. And only you. Like I said I do not complain or whine or share personal info: it is bad for business.
But overall it was very much no boundaries in Soviet Union culture due to massive long term suppression. For generations.
I feel like if I dated maybe I wouldn’t be so obsessed with POA but is that just my addiction lying to me ? So many friends push me to get on out there!! I just say no I’m in recovery and not ready.
I miss having someone to tell my day to and cuddle and work out issues. I miss my best friend. He moved on. Why can’t I? It just sucks. I’m trying to not hold in my feelings, be kind and gentle with myself. I went online apps for a day it was horrible full of crazies and inappropriate comments.
I have lived single for most part of my life, until 29 I did not have any romantic relationship. Its not very uncommon given the culture I grew up in. Now again at my age 34, my ex wife had separated from me , I am single last 2 years and I stay with my parents.
I think single life is simple and hassle free provided we keep our senses controlled and live by spiritual principles, have some good friends in the community and engage in services. Even the celibate monks today live in groups and within community.
Yes loneliness and isolation are the major feelings I struggle especially since pandemic last year , I live in small town with no friends at all. I try sometimes to channel the energy in doing some exciting things - cooking, cycling , travelling, photography, music etc. There is still so much to do in this world , endless opportunities and romantic love is only 1 such nice things. I agree its important, but people lived without it too.
In my neighborhood there are two brothers and both of them never married or had any women in their entire life , they live with their nephews . They live such a calm and peaceful life doing their daily duties. I think its the acceptance that Im am exactly where Im supposed to be and being at peace with one self. I read somewhere happiness is when I stop searching for happiness.
For me I still desire to find someone but Im not searching very desperately. Sometimes I feel Im crazy the way my life is, everyone I knew from my friend circle are married, their children in schools. Somedays the withdrawals are bad, I mean really bad. Feel very frustrated,but thanks to this fellowship I can talk to my outreach buddies. Its not a permanent solution, but life itself is so uncertain. I dont know how many hours are remaining before this body will perish. So why not just try to live really meaningful lives.
I have some learning experience of what its like to be in a wrong relationship, just because Im thirsty I shouldnt be ready to drink poison.
One day at a time! I need to find peace within be comfortable being alone because no relation will last forever. God just for today - Im grateful for what I have, Im grateful to be alive and living free.
The truth is, being single does not say anything about your worth as a person. But because so much of the world has ideas that it DOES imply something bad about you — it can be almost impossible to really believe that. Most of us are so brainwashed to believe that if you’re single, there must be something wrong with you.
That’s the part that really hurts. “If only I was (taller/prettier/less awkward/whatever),” puts us in a position of blaming ourselves, and unless we can stop those thoughts, we hurt worse and worse and worse.
I have to admit, I don’t know how to solve this problem. I’ve been trying for years to fix my own dysfunctional thoughts on this matter. Sometimes there’s a glimmer of light, and I do see myself as whole and good (regardless of my relationship status.) But I have to admit, this is rare. Most of the time, I still see myself through the lens of, “Does somebody else want me?” It hurts. When I do it, I know it’s dysfunctional and I’m hurting myself. But it can be SO hard to stop those thoughts and beliefs.
Last Edit: Jul 23, 2021 7:32:21 GMT -8 by RoseNadler
What if….I could do Step Three BEFORE my life becomes a total disaster?