The Imago Concept

The term “Imago" comes from Carl Jung, but the concept of “Imago Therapy” comes from Harville Hendrix. His first ground-breaking book was, Getting the Love You Want.

The Imago is in our imagination. It is a fantasy person we have created in our childhood of the perfect man or woman—our soul mate. Our Imago is based on significant people in our lives and figures presented to us in movies and books about romantic love. Sometime, in early adolescence, our Imago is finished, and we go hunting for him or her. We rarely stop looking no matter how old we get—at least our inner child does—until we find recovery.

Everybody has an Imago, but if you grew up in a loving home, and your Imago is a good person, things may work out when you meet him. But many of us have a “Negative Imago,” which is often unavailable, narcissistic, selfish, controlling, and unable to reciprocate our love. It is a manifestation of the negative traits of our early role models rather than the positive traits.

Each person must decide for themselves how to incorporate their Imago into their lives. If your Imago has both positive and negative traits, it is fine to pursue him or her. However, your must realize that the perfect Imago rarely exists. Most of us follow the advice of Judith Sills and we "stop looking for the perfect partner and find someone to love."

Love Addiction

Many people would rather be alone than give up the excitement of a relationship with their Imago. Their other relationships seem boring and seem to have something missing. This is the way all love addicts are. They chase after the high that they had in the beginning of the relationship with the projection of their Imago on to someone. Rarely are they able to recreate it.

Love Addiction is the obsession to find the Imago in order to try and heal from childhood wounds. It is the belief that life is not worth living without one’s Imago.

When love addicts meet their Imago, they lose all perspective. They begin to ignore things that should be noticed like this person being unavailable or distant. No matter how many negative things are going on, they dismiss them as being irrelevant. Then out of the blue the Imago declares that the relationship is not working for him and they are left heartbroken. (Most Imagos are unavailable like the absent parent.)

A healthy person, with high self-esteem moves on at this point. Love Addicts dig in their heels and try to win the Imago back. If their Imago is a seductive withholder, he will come back, and they will begin the dance all over again. However, this time they get more hooked on the relationship.

To the love addict, the Imago is a very important person. When they meet him or her they feel an instant attraction and intimacy that they think that they have been waiting for all of their lives for. The Imago seems perfect, and they are very excited about finally meeting him or her.

As the love addiction progresses, or their partner withdraws from the relationship even a little, love addicts get more and more desperate and start doing things that they would never do under ordinary circumstances. They obsess. They become self-destructive. They try to make contact over and over again and they may even drive by someone’s house to talk to spy on their partner (or ex-partner). It is at this point that addicts end up in jail for stalking and then a mental hospital. All because they feel as if they cannot live without their Imago.

In the unconscious mind—or the mind of the Inner Child—the Imago is the only one they want. They may leave a good marriage or be willing to die for this person. Many people want to kill themselves rather than let go of what they think is their soul mate. (I have lost two clients from suicide in the last thirty-five years.)

Recovery

To end the trap of being addicted to an Imago, love addicts must awaken themselves to the truth that they are in love with a fantasy as much as the man or woman they are are chasing. Then they must let go of both the fantasy, and sometimes the person, and move on to recovery. Recovery is sometimes about letting go and moving on. On the other hand, if they can accept and love their partner just the way he is, they can continue with the relationship—usually with the help of a counselor.

When you are in recovery and ready to date, you want to look at your Imago and talk to your inner child about creating a new, Healthy Imago. There will be less excitement and drama, but this is better than having to go into withdrawal again with another Imago. Learning to love your Healthy Imago may take time, but it is worth it. You will be happier than you have ever been before. Less drama and more happiness.

If you need an Imago to fall in love, then in recovery imagine that your Higher Power is your Imago and then find a healthy person to share your life with. Excitement, romantic attraction, etc. are not the only ways to find happiness in this life. This may sound strange if you are a love addict, but it is really true.

If you are in a committed relationship, and want to keep it, it is important to separate your projection from the real person you are married to. When you know the real person, you have to decide if you are compatible. If not, you have the option of therapy to see if you can both change how you feel about each other. If you are bored in the relationship, Imago Therapists teach you how to re-romanticize your relationship. This is okay as long as you are trying to save a relationship with someone who is available, honest, mature, etc. etc.

Sometimes, when your partner started out as your Imago and then becomes someone else it is because the honeymoon is over, and you are now entering the stage of companionship with a real person. This is healthy, but love addicts hate this.

Friends & Imagos

Sometimes, we project our Imago on to a person who is meant to be just our friend. Our inner child projects her fantasies on to someone she has just met, and it does not work out. If you can stop projecting your Imago and just accept this person as a friend, then this is a chance to find a new companion without the romance. If your inner child cannot stop projecting her Imago on to this person then you have to move on.

I met my husband Frank in 2008. He was not my Imago, so I decided he was not for me. But, I was in need of a friend, so I kept him in my life. Eventually, I began to see what a great person he was, and I appreciated the fact that he was available, kind, and honest. This turned out to be the best relationship I ever had. I had finally discovered that happiness does not always come from romance or finding your Imago.

Men

After 35 years of counseling men, I have come to the conclusion that many of them have two Imagos. One—the image of their mother—is projected on to someone they would, or have, married. The other Imago is the image of the Goddess that they project on beautiful women. This is the ones that make a male love addict go crazy. Both Imagos can get a man hooked but the one men die for is the “Goddess.” Some females have a “God Imago,” but it is less common. They may love handsome men but they don’t get hooked on them as often.