Attraction

E.C. LaMeaux

Edited by Susan Peabody

Everyone knows the feeling of walking into a room full of friendly faces, and although each person seems nice, open and willing to talk, only one face stands out from the crowd. There may be a lot of physically attractive people in the room, but you can't seem to take your eyes off of this one particular person. You can't put your finger on the reasons, but you know there's a biological force and physical energy driving you toward a specific type of person.

What causes us to be attracted to one person more than another? Romantic attraction certainly isn't an exact science, but experts do have some ideas about what qualities attract more than others. Here are a few things you need to know about attraction.

The primal sexual attraction you sometimes feel for certain people can be misleading.

According to Dr. Margaret Paul, initial physical attraction is a very poor indicator on how well a relationship will work out, which can lead to the feeling of abandonment. According to Dr. Paul, the alpha males to whom many women tend to be more attracted also tend to be more sexually promiscuous.

In addition to how physically attractive your potential mate is, you also consider how trustworthy he or she seems and how romantic he or she is. For example, does he call when he says he will? Does she answer the phone when you call her? Does he notice little things and give compliments? Does she really listen when you talk about movies or sports you like? You also think about how similar you are to your potential mate. Common interests are often a building block to deep emotional connection. Having a similar family background may be helpful too.

We always want what we can't have. According to Helen Fisher, Ph.D., someone we consider "out-of-our-league" will always be attractive because they represent an ideal. It may be that we develop these frustrating crushes as a way to force ourselves to improve both our physical appearance and our social status. At the same time, what is most important is to love yourself and be patient, as it is impossible to fully love someone else without loving yourself first!

One of the goals of recovery for love addiction is to be attracted without obsessing and falling in love over night. To do this you must understand projection. The fantasy of your soul mate is in your brain. Like a projector, when you are attracted, the movie you created of you and your soul mate shows up on the person you are attracted to. There is really a strong urge to believe this romantic movie is real. In recovery we must resist this notion and learn how to turn the projector off. This requires that you change. Change is not easy. It takes time. I recommend the book, The Art of Changing, by Susan Peabody for instructions.