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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 4, 2021 8:19:19 GMT -8
Withdrawal and Recovery Susan Peabody
Withdrawal from a person or relationship is the worst kind of withdrawal because the anxiety it creates goes back to infancy. The infant has a sense of urgency because his or her life is at stake. When love addicts go into withdrawal they are re-experiencing this life or death anxiety as part of their age regression. Separation anxiety (which is what the love addict deals with in withdrawal) is very physical so it is much like withdrawal from heroin. We have headaches, stomach aches, cold sweats. With the substance abuser the withdrawal is over in a few days. It takes much longer for love addicts. If you are a Torchbearer it may take years. There are many stages of withdrawal. The first stage is when someone ends a relationship when you are not ready for it. You will feel rejected and abandoned. You will get physically and emotionally ill. You will now spiral out of control and act out in addictive ways like over texting; sending too many emails; driving by their house to see if they are with someone else; and obsessively fantasizing about reconciling. At this stage you must take care of yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. The next stage begins when you reach out for help. At the beginning you don't feel much different. But if you stick around you will get a glimmer of hope. New information will surprise you. Still, you are not ready to change so you stay unhappy even though you no longer act out in various ways. Many people get stuck here complaining about what happened. Venting is great, but it can keep you STUCK, and it only brings temporary relief. The next stage is acceptance. Whether it be through no contact or limited contact, you are ready to get out of bed and face the world. Acceptance lifts a great burden off you. You realize all along that your pain was the result of wanting something you could not have. Now you are ready to move on. After Withdrawal
Now is the time to heal your underlying issues. LAA has 12 steps for building self-esteem and transcending childhood trauma. This may take years but you will not be miserable. You will be happy to finally know there is hope. As you progress, acknowledge your progress. You have changed how you think. You have changed how you behave. You have changed your values about romantic love and know that it is not worth suffering for— or dying for. Finally, you will begin to enjoy your recovery and look forward. You want romantic love, but you do not need it. You love yourself and are attracting healthy people. You have researched healthy relationships and now know what you are looking for. Love is no longer blind. “It has eyes to see.” Copyright ©Love Addicts Anonymous 2020
PDF version is attached to this post . . . |
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pjoncena97
New Member
Praying for a higher vision
Posts: 9
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Post by pjoncena97 on Apr 4, 2021 10:12:53 GMT -8
Is there a way I can know there withdrawals are now all gone and I can now move on , look for a new relation?
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Post by Linda S. on Apr 8, 2021 15:49:28 GMT -8
Is there a way I can know there withdrawals are now all gone and I can now move on , look for a new relation? Reply from Susannah: When you are not obsessing every moment and are starting to feel better withdrawal is winding down unless you're a Torchbearer and then it will go on one way or another for years. Let's hope you're not a Torchbearer. Getting your qualifier out of your life is a piece of cake compared to getting him out of your mind. You have to vacillate between grieving and experiencing the pain and distracting yourself with something that makes you feel good about your future. Eventually you obsess less often and then finally the obsession is gone and all you do is reminisce without pain. The amount of time cannot be pinned down. It's not an exact science. It depends on how hard you work and how addicted you were. Only God knows when withdrawal will be over completely. God heals all wounds. I am a Torchbearer and I am over every one of my qualifiers even though sometimes it took 🤔 years. |
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
Posts: 22
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Post by hideaway on May 12, 2021 13:11:46 GMT -8
Thank you Susannah, I am a Torchbearer as well. I am also an older person so I really don't want to spend years pining over my Qualifier. I hope I don't have to but am very grateful to find LAA and persons like yourself that let me know I'm not alone.
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
Posts: 22
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Post by hideaway on Jun 12, 2021 15:17:50 GMT -8
I AM A TORCHBEARER. I've been NC for almost 3 months and am starting to withdraw again like I'm new. This is my pattern. I never "get over" someone. I simply try to replace them. This is difficult as I put my Qualifier on a pedestal and am reduced to thinking, "well ofcourse they didn't want me, the other woman is better than me" "and he is too good for me as well". It is ALWAYS because I don't think I'm good enough for them. ugh...
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 13, 2021 8:41:47 GMT -8
I AM A TORCHBEARER. I've been NC for almost 3 months and am starting to withdraw again like I'm new. This is my pattern. I never "get over" someone. I simply try to replace them. This is difficult as I put my Qualifier on a pedestal and am reduced to thinking, "well ofcourse they didn't want me, the other woman is better than me" "and he is too good for me as well". It is ALWAYS because I don't think I'm good enough for them. ugh... I am also a Torchbearer. I still love all the men and women I have loved in the past. God did not heal me from this. For me this is because my love addiction is triggered by men and women I feel sorry for. So even after they are out of my life I continue to feel sorry from them and love them. What God did do was take away the PAIN. I feel the love and sympathy is in an appropriate amount and I feel sentimental rather than obsessed. So I am free of the negative part of pining away without losing my deep love for others and humanity. |
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
Posts: 22
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Post by hideaway on Jun 18, 2021 10:45:17 GMT -8
Well, I'm back to feeling in pain and missing him. I have been NC for 3 months. He sent as text asking if I was alright. He's married...I sent short reply and know better to believe this means anything as far as his leaving (what he has said over and over) for 20yrs!!! 2 different wives!!!!! I was addicted what else can I say. I don't hate him, I take responsibility for me staying in this situation. Ofcourse I feel less than as he hasn't picked me. but he is not the first man/boy I have felt this way towards.
I have read LAA recovery text right upto step 4. And I've sent for a workbook.
I would love someone who has worked the steps to guild me as I don't want to go further without some help.
Let me know if you're out there. Or please just answer me back. Thanks
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,071
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Post by RoseNadler on Jun 19, 2021 8:30:38 GMT -8
hideaway, I know it hurts. I’ve been there in situations where I was ready to throw every other part of my life away if I could just have some guy who was totally unavailable. There are hundreds of us, and we have been there and done that. You are not alone.
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
Posts: 22
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Post by hideaway on Jul 26, 2021 10:21:24 GMT -8
Thank you Rose. I SO appreciate it. I have been rebelling a little about LAA. I bought the text and workbook but no sponsor to help. I'm in AA for a long time now but the meeting are not very concerned with the steps. All I know is the steps and that this addiction may be treated by them. After 3 months I broke my "no Contact" it was dumb and I hurt again. I will NEVER FIND a lasting relationship with this man. Been trying for 20years.
I would just like to have a sponsor. Or someone to talk to that has more the 3 months. Thank for you listening to me. I relate so much to giving everything up for this man.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,071
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Post by RoseNadler on Jul 27, 2021 8:21:01 GMT -8
I can relate to rebelling a little. It’s like I’ll do everything for recovery EXCEPT just one little thing (go to Zoom meetings; sit with my feelings without trying a mood-changer; etc.)
And, you’re in AA, so you are probably familiar with other addictions (substances or activities.) I’m dealing with revolving addictions at the moment myself. If I’m not doing the LAA addiction, I’ll overeat. If I abstain from LAA and overeating, then I spend too much money.
But at least I realize what I’m doing, and do not entirely give up on recovery. If you can just do one little thing in the present moment that helps your recovery - that’s a start. They say “one day at a time;” sometimes it’s “one hour at a time.” Take tiny steps if you have to.
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
Posts: 22
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Post by hideaway on Aug 18, 2021 12:08:04 GMT -8
well, no contact is turned into phone calls only. i was the scapegoat bigtime in my family. i was left n unhealthy places so my mom didnt have the burden o f taking care of me. And when they couldn't send me away constant picking on me was an all day affair by all members of my family. So when someone won't talk with me it triggers. All very wounded I know.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,071
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Post by RoseNadler on Aug 19, 2021 5:00:49 GMT -8
Are you in therapy? That can help with stuff from your childhood and your family.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 19, 2021 8:03:58 GMT -8
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