Emotionally Unavailable Men

Justin Brown

Edited by Susan Peabody

I am an emotionally unavailable man. It’s not an easy confession to make, but I want to share what I’ve learned about myself as an apology to the women I’ve hurt by being emotionally unavailable.

I also want to share some guidance about what to do when you come across emotionally unavailable men in your life.

An emotionally unavailable man is typically someone who is unable or unwilling to emotionally commit to an intimate relationship with you. This type of man will often want to keep things casual and undefined in order to avoid dealing with the emotional commitments that characterize a typical long-term relationship.

This type of man is usually the type to already be in another relationship or someone who won’t commit or settle down. They may be—like I used to be—the type to avoid getting too attached. Those messy, undefined, and uncommitted relationships are often the result.


1. They are neither hot nor cold.

2. If you can tell they are resisting changing emotional states, or they don’t have a lot of range, then there’s something threatening to them about emotions.

3. Emotionally unavailable men are not willing to put themselves out there. They’re afraid to be vulnerable and are uncomfortable expressing themselves.

4. If you noticed passive-aggressive behavior, it may be a sign that he’s emotionally unavailable.

3. They seem to only think of themselves.

4. Is it easy for him to cancel your social commitments? Does he forget your birthday or fail to show consistent thought for whatever you’re going through in life?

5. They don’t always treat other people well. If he seems to be nice to you, but rude to others in his circle of friends or family, he might have cut them off emotionally.

6. They don’t take responsibility for their actions.

7. Emotionally unavailable men don’t think they need to say they are sorry or own up to something that might have offended or hurt you, or someone else for that matter.

8. They’re good at emotionally manipulating people. They tend to always play the victim.

9. They don’t think they have a problem.

10. They don’t talk to their family. Men who are not tuned into their emotions tend to be estranged from their family. He may have very good reasons for estranging himself from his family. But if he is not entertaining the idea of fixing the problem, or at least acknowledging it, then he’s emotionally unavailable. If he doesn’t see the benefit of investing in such an important relationship, why would he be any different with you?

11. They want the sex but not the things that go with it like emotional intimacy.

12. They want sex but not the work that comes from building a relationship.

13. If a guy ignores you for the better part of the day but then wants to fool around, you might have an emotionally stunted man on your hands.

14. They don’t stay in relationships long. If you have your eye on the future, but your guy hasn’t been in a relationship longer than a few months, there might be a reason for that.

15. Does he talk about his past? Do you know if he’s been in at least one serious, long-term relationship? Or has he always been a serial-dater?

16. Have you ever talked about why he can’t commit? He may not know the reason, but it’s an important conversation to have.

17. They are haunted by the past. For a myriad of reasons, guys who are emotionally unavailable often have a traumatic past. Either a heartbreak that has proven impossible to get over or strained relationships in his family.

Dating is hard enough. I urge you not to waste your time dating emotionally unavailable men. Instead, embrace your personal power and work on generating your sense of self-worth without relying on someone else.

If the signs of an emotionally unavailable man isn’t enough, I’ve put together some common archetypes to look out for.

1. Robots: Some guys may as well be robots. Seriously, it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes. These men have no idea how to convey their thoughts, let alone their emotions and in many cases, they can’t articulate them, or they just don’t want to. Conversations are painful and you always walk away feeling like you did all the work whenever you encounter a man like this. If your guy could win a robot look-alike contest, it’s time to move on.

2. Irresponsible: Men who are emotionally unavailable tend not to be able to take responsibility for their actions. They’ll be the first to blame their upbringing, their experiences, their bosses, their mothers, their neighbors.

3. Victims: They blame everyone except themselves for their emotional intolerance. Before you get involved with someone like this, ask yourself (and maybe him) what he learned from his last relationship so that you can gauge how he interprets blame.

4. Liars: We’re saying “a lot” of lies here, but really, one lie is enough to go running in the other direction. Not only do you have a liar on your hands, but your liar is also an emotionally unavailable liar because he can’t process the truth and that usually comes from the fact that he has no concept of how to connect with what he really knows and believes.

Why do women fall for emotionally unavailable men? I believe there’s a common pattern shared by women who fall for emotionally unavailable men. It’s not a pattern many women will admit to, but it seems to be quite common. They are looking to get the man who got away—their dad.