Post by Linda S. on May 8, 2021 12:04:12 GMT -8
For the longest time I've found Melody Beattie's writing on codependency so helpful but I've only just bought her "The New Codependency" written in 2009. This book revisits and updates some of her earlier work, with new insights based on several decades more of recovery. This new volume is even more powerful to me than the earlier work.
When I read the following section, I thought of this thread on the LAA Message Board and thought I'd like to share this here, too. Fortunately it allowed me to cut and paste a chunk, which isn't always the case:
We can have any combination of issues or addictions: gambling, sex, love, drug, alcoholism, codependency, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, bipolar, anorexia, bulimia, other eating disorders, manic depression, or attention deficit disorder. The issues and combinations are nearly endless.
Back in the seventies, when people got sober and stopped self-medicating, the problems they medicated would suddenly appear. They’d just pop out. Sometimes they would come out of nowhere. We didn’t have answers for them yet. We hadn’t named the pain. When an unnamed problem without a solution appeared, the recovering person with the underlying problem felt disappointed, confused, and crazy. Sobriety—which promised so much—let them down.
I remember some of these people vividly. Many had their initial breakdowns in the middle of an AA meeting. They’d begun self-medicating because the problem hurt so much. Now they’d taken their medication away with nothing to replace it. Some people killed themselves. Others spent years in deep despair. Some went into institutions. They worked a good program so when these underlying issues surfaced, they didn’t understand what was happening or why. We stood by helplessly and watched people suffer, and didn’t know what to do. The surfacing of other underlying problems nearly destroyed some people and killed others.
It’s time to forgive ourselves for having issues. It’s not like addicts and codependents are the only people with problems. We don’t live in a “we” and “them” world. It’s one big “us.” We’re people learning lessons. Everyone has something and some of us have two things. Some have three or four.
Don’t rush it. If you’ve recently begun recovering from alcoholism, don’t force another recovery on yourself. When the time is right, it’ll happen. When and if another recovery issue presents itself, or if you’re in recovery for one issue and your recovery stops working, see if there’s another problem underneath. If trustworthy people say it quacks and waddles, check to see if it’s a duck. Ask. We’ll get answers because now the answers are here. Welcome Double Winners. Stop resisting. Surrender. Win two or three times!
2. Love yourself for your illnesses, disorders, or problems. If you haven’t forgiven yourself for issues, problems, or illnesses, start using this affirmation or write one yourself. I forgive, love, and accept myself for having ______________ and/or __________________. I’m grateful for the lessons these issues have taught me and the gifts they’ve given, and all I’m going to learn. Then look in the mirror—into your eyes. Say the words out loud three times daily for twenty-one days or until you know you’re speaking the truth. It’s easy to feel guilty for having issues like addictions or codependency, but it’s time to forgive yourself.
3. Find your way. Are you prejudiced against any programs? Are you unsure what your secondary problem is, or if you even have one? Are you ready to let Life show you what it wants you to see? Here’s HOW: Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try. It’s an old saying that’s been around so long because it works. Write your request, “Please show me in a way I can understand what the problem is. Thank you.” Then let go and wait. Your answer will come. Ask sincerely and you’ll be shown.
4. Find the right resources. If you need help from another resource, group, therapist, or treatment center, continue looking until you find the right one. Now there are more resources available than ever and some are better than others. Each group has its own personality. Treatment and therapists cost money. Ensure that you get your money’s worth, that the resource has an excellent reputation, and that it’s right for you or the person you love. The initial help we get is the foundation for our recovery and the rest of our lives. Make sure your foundation is solid. Investigate. Get referrals. (A rule of thumb: Attend groups three times before deciding and trust your intuition.)
5. Don’t overdo. We don’t have to spend our whole lives in therapy, treatment, or groups. In the beginning or in a crisis, attending ninety meetings in ninety days can help. But the goal is to go to meetings and get help so that we can have a life. Trust our guidance about how often we need to attend which group or use a particular resource. Don’t attempt so much that you become overwhelmed and give up. We may need more help from one resource temporarily because that problem hurts most at the time. Adjust our schedules according to what we need. The goal is balance. Sometimes we outgrow a group or sponsor. It’s okay to do that without guilt as long as we’re not in denial. As we grow, our recovery needs will change. Be flexible and open, and Life will show you what to do.
6. Enjoy a healthy self-image. Alcoholism and other addictions are diseases. Codependency is a problem. We don’t need to label ourselves “sick.” We have alcoholism for life, but healing doesn’t have to take forever. Don’t reinforce a victim self-image by saying how sick we’ll always be. Words are powerful. Our bodies respond to what we say. Don’t program ourselves into being sick people even though we have a disease for life. We can be healthy, whole, and complete in the moment we’re in now. If we have codependent behaviors, we don’t have to label ourselves at all. Deal with the behaviors that hurt and call yourself whatever you want.
Beattie, Melody. The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation (pp. 74-78). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.
When I read the following section, I thought of this thread on the LAA Message Board and thought I'd like to share this here, too. Fortunately it allowed me to cut and paste a chunk, which isn't always the case:
Dual-Addicted
From The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation
by Melody Beattie
From The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation
by Melody Beattie
We can have any combination of issues or addictions: gambling, sex, love, drug, alcoholism, codependency, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, bipolar, anorexia, bulimia, other eating disorders, manic depression, or attention deficit disorder. The issues and combinations are nearly endless.
Back in the seventies, when people got sober and stopped self-medicating, the problems they medicated would suddenly appear. They’d just pop out. Sometimes they would come out of nowhere. We didn’t have answers for them yet. We hadn’t named the pain. When an unnamed problem without a solution appeared, the recovering person with the underlying problem felt disappointed, confused, and crazy. Sobriety—which promised so much—let them down.
I remember some of these people vividly. Many had their initial breakdowns in the middle of an AA meeting. They’d begun self-medicating because the problem hurt so much. Now they’d taken their medication away with nothing to replace it. Some people killed themselves. Others spent years in deep despair. Some went into institutions. They worked a good program so when these underlying issues surfaced, they didn’t understand what was happening or why. We stood by helplessly and watched people suffer, and didn’t know what to do. The surfacing of other underlying problems nearly destroyed some people and killed others.
It’s time to forgive ourselves for having issues. It’s not like addicts and codependents are the only people with problems. We don’t live in a “we” and “them” world. It’s one big “us.” We’re people learning lessons. Everyone has something and some of us have two things. Some have three or four.
Don’t rush it. If you’ve recently begun recovering from alcoholism, don’t force another recovery on yourself. When the time is right, it’ll happen. When and if another recovery issue presents itself, or if you’re in recovery for one issue and your recovery stops working, see if there’s another problem underneath. If trustworthy people say it quacks and waddles, check to see if it’s a duck. Ask. We’ll get answers because now the answers are here. Welcome Double Winners. Stop resisting. Surrender. Win two or three times!
QUESTIONS AND ACTIVITIES
1. Are you a Double Winner? Have you identified yourself as having more than one issue? Have people suggested that you look at another issue, but you refuse because you don’t want another problem? What is the other problem? If you’re feeling suicidal, repeatedly relapsing, depressed, stuck, or confused but don’t understand the problem, maybe you do have two issues—whether you want two or not. Are you willing to become willing to surrender to the second problem? That’s a yes or no question. Write your answer here: ________. 2. Love yourself for your illnesses, disorders, or problems. If you haven’t forgiven yourself for issues, problems, or illnesses, start using this affirmation or write one yourself. I forgive, love, and accept myself for having ______________ and/or __________________. I’m grateful for the lessons these issues have taught me and the gifts they’ve given, and all I’m going to learn. Then look in the mirror—into your eyes. Say the words out loud three times daily for twenty-one days or until you know you’re speaking the truth. It’s easy to feel guilty for having issues like addictions or codependency, but it’s time to forgive yourself.
3. Find your way. Are you prejudiced against any programs? Are you unsure what your secondary problem is, or if you even have one? Are you ready to let Life show you what it wants you to see? Here’s HOW: Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try. It’s an old saying that’s been around so long because it works. Write your request, “Please show me in a way I can understand what the problem is. Thank you.” Then let go and wait. Your answer will come. Ask sincerely and you’ll be shown.
4. Find the right resources. If you need help from another resource, group, therapist, or treatment center, continue looking until you find the right one. Now there are more resources available than ever and some are better than others. Each group has its own personality. Treatment and therapists cost money. Ensure that you get your money’s worth, that the resource has an excellent reputation, and that it’s right for you or the person you love. The initial help we get is the foundation for our recovery and the rest of our lives. Make sure your foundation is solid. Investigate. Get referrals. (A rule of thumb: Attend groups three times before deciding and trust your intuition.)
5. Don’t overdo. We don’t have to spend our whole lives in therapy, treatment, or groups. In the beginning or in a crisis, attending ninety meetings in ninety days can help. But the goal is to go to meetings and get help so that we can have a life. Trust our guidance about how often we need to attend which group or use a particular resource. Don’t attempt so much that you become overwhelmed and give up. We may need more help from one resource temporarily because that problem hurts most at the time. Adjust our schedules according to what we need. The goal is balance. Sometimes we outgrow a group or sponsor. It’s okay to do that without guilt as long as we’re not in denial. As we grow, our recovery needs will change. Be flexible and open, and Life will show you what to do.
6. Enjoy a healthy self-image. Alcoholism and other addictions are diseases. Codependency is a problem. We don’t need to label ourselves “sick.” We have alcoholism for life, but healing doesn’t have to take forever. Don’t reinforce a victim self-image by saying how sick we’ll always be. Words are powerful. Our bodies respond to what we say. Don’t program ourselves into being sick people even though we have a disease for life. We can be healthy, whole, and complete in the moment we’re in now. If we have codependent behaviors, we don’t have to label ourselves at all. Deal with the behaviors that hurt and call yourself whatever you want.
Beattie, Melody. The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation (pp. 74-78). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.