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Post by rubysarah on May 27, 2021 18:11:19 GMT -8
Hey everyone! I guess I'm just interested in other peoples experience with withdrawal. I have been in no contact with my ex for 8 days and its been grueling! So many tears and pain and depression, with little breaks in between it seems. I am an overthinker and over analyzer by nature (sometimes I think this is a defense mechanism) so I am definitely an obsessive addict. I look forward to going to sleep so I can get a break from my own brain.
In tonight's meeting there were 2 readings...1 on fantasies vs reality and the other was about 'chemistry'
They both hit me very hard and my heart was racing pretty much throughout the whole meeting. I think its because I came to the realization that the 2 1/2 years of my 'relationship' with my ex was almost all fantasy. It was him making all of these promises 'I love you, you're the love of my life, we are soul mates, we are meant to be forever and we will be together forever, we will live together and get married and be so happy' I took all of these words and built them up into these fantasies that never even happened. I really convinced myself (I guess he convinced me too) that we were gonna live happily ever after. I believed he would fulfill me, that I wouldn't feel empty any more and I would finally be happy. I based all of my worth and self on having a relationship, on someone choosing me. I ended things with him last week and it feels like I'm grieving a life with him that I didn't even have. Like I'm mourning the loss of the future I had built up in my head.
Then I found myself beating myself up over it. Thinking how could I have let my mind go so far without any actions showing me that they would. Its like I'm mad at myself for putting him on a pedestal (and I still do) and he doesn't even deserve it. I let him have sooo much power over me and I really thought without him I will be miserable forever. And I am just disappointed in myself for doing this. I'm aware now that I am an addict and this is part of it.
But I am curious...Is this a common part of withdrawal or is this a part of just accepting you are an addict?
Its like I'm battling in my head between me and him. Mad at him and then mad at me.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 28, 2021 9:31:55 GMT -8
Blaming yourself is definitely a part of withdrawal because:
1. You have low self-esteem and blame yourself for everything.
2. You are experiencing age regression and are going back to a time when you were a child and all children blame themselves for everything. They love their parents despite the neglect and abuse. They cannot cope with the truth so they cover it up with misguided loyalty. Now you are repeating this pattern with your qualifier.
3. If the breakup is your fault then you imagine that you can change yourself and fix the relationship.
4. You blame yourself out of habit.
5. Your qualifier blames you and you believe him or her.
6. Seductive withholders blame us for everything so they do not have to feel their own guilt. They are very good with this mind manipulation and we fall into their trap.
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Post by rubysarah on May 28, 2021 17:49:46 GMT -8
Thank you so much for writing back in such detail, it is very appreciated.
You wrote 'Sometimes we do not have to do things to another person. Sometimes they project things on to us or use any number of other defense mechanisms to deal with their own pain and traumas.'- I thought about this and I can see where it applies. I'm not sure I fully understand all his pain and traumas, and I know its not my job to and I need to focus more on mine, but as an over thinker I think sometimes I need to understand things before I can just accept it and move on. I have tried to put myself in his shoes, he would say things to me 'you don't understand the pain I am in, but I am hurting just as much as you' And without going in to great detail about his life, he is in recovery from substance abuse, he has hurt people close to him in the past due to his addiction and he still deals with a lot of shame and guilt from that. He said to me even though he has been clean from his drug of choice for 5 years he does not feel he is in recovery. And that is because of the choices he made with me. He is continuing to not be a man of his word, has made endless promises that he wound up failing to keep. I believe he may have all intentions to, he even spoke to his family about these promises he made to me (these were life changing promises), but he was dealing with an internal struggle when it came time to come through. I saw his pain and struggle and that was almost 2 weeks ago and I knew I had to end it. Its like I wanted to end both his pain and mine, the fight we had put up for so long. But here we are not together, not talking, but both in pain, and I pray one day for peace.
'I cannot allow for a middle ground and an area where both things might be partially true and partially false. Life is not as clear cut as we would like and humans are as complex in their minds as almost anything else is capable of being.' - I am a lot like this too. I try not to be. I try to see the middle ground. I'm struggling with that right now because I guess the pain is letting me just see the wrong he did. I keep thinking 'how could he do this to me' 'he must not love me if he can just let us fall apart' For me I went to great lengths to keep us together so when I felt it was his turn and he didn't I go right to the black and white thinking 'well he doesn't love me then' I wanted him to sacrifice for me as I did for him, and when he didn't it made me feel not worthy. Him telling me I was the love of his life and soul mate and his best friend, writing poems about spending our life together, it just didn't make sense. I don't believe his a narcissist either. Sometimes I wish he was because then it would almost justify it for me, but he's not. Maybe he is just lost and sick, just as I am, but maybe in just a different way. I don't want to resent him forever as I know that will just hold me back from my own healing.
I know I have a part in all of this. I was selfish in ways. I would do anything to be with him, I put aside my values and my time and own sanity for it. When I didn't get my way it would all bottle up and then blow up and be cruel, made sure he knew all of his shortcomings, calling him names such as a coward and telling him he is not a man. In ways I tried to control him so I didn't have to deal with things that made me uncomfortable. I made sure he knew when I was anxious and told him I needed him to protect me and take care of me. This I now know is not his job, and it is my job. I put a lot on him. I expected him to turn his whole world upside down in order to be with me and protect me. I knew deep down I wanted him to save me, and this was not his job.
Clearly there is a lot I need to work on myself. I am not healthy enough to be in a relationship. I don't really know myself, I don't really value myself. I have been wanting to try and have someone else fix me and make me happy but I need to do that myself. I am nowhere near there but I know I desire that. I am still answering all the questions in step 1 and going to meetings twice a day and really trying to understand this addiction so then I can maybe understand myself one day. Like I said maybe if I understand I can finally heal.
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Post by rubysarah on May 29, 2021 20:04:02 GMT -8
Just wanna say that I'm happy to hear these posts of mine help you as well. And maybe they will help someone who happens to land on this post.
I realize that this healing process is going to take a long time, a lot of abandonment and pain has happened in my life and has seemed to all pile up on me. But to be honest the pain has been pretty consistent in that its always the worst pain when it comes to love, which yeah duh cause I'm a love addict right. The loss of love feels the same as death to me, I lost my grandma when I was 15 years old and she was like a mom to me and I still feel the pain from that, but when I lose love romantically it feels just as bad. She is who I connected to most in my family and when I lost her I felt even more alone then I already did. I always had this idea in my head that I would meet my person and then I would feel happy and whole. But I always chose unavailable men, most of them addicts. In my early 20s I was in 2 relationships with addicts that were also abusive. After that I promised myself no more abusive men, and since then I have not been with anyone physically abusive (I am 37 now) But have been with emotionally abusive, which is just as bad.
I understand I cant rush this process, even though a part of me wants to because I am just so tired of the pain. But I am willing to go through it, I am willing to put in the work, I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. And I understand this is something I will have to stick with for the rest of my life, and I am okay with that, and very grateful for this program.
I'm in early withdrawal, 10 days no contact and its still horrible each day. And I also shouldn't compare myself to others who may seem to handle the withdrawal better then me, because I did find myself at times thinking 'why am I still doing so bad, why am I so depressed and feel so hopeless' but I'm trying to give myself some grace. I am truly addicted to my ex. I know if he was to contact me and tell me he was available I would be right there. I know he wont do that thankfully, I begged and poured my heart out to him to not contact me telling him I needed to heal and he understood and agreed to my request. But the thought of him not being a part of my life ever again is so painful! Should I not think that far ahead? I'm guessing not. Live day by day is what I think I need to do. When I think things as final like that it completely destroys me. He meant so much to me, I thought he was my best friend (maybe he wasn't) but my perception was that he was and I really thought he was my soul mate. I want to change my way of thinking. I want to think no one can complete me like that.
I have a new relationship with my higher power, about a year old. I am so grateful to finally have that connection that I didn't have my whole life. But it is a struggle. I question my higher power. I ask why things have to be so painful, why must we suffer. I need to work on my faith and relationship with my higher power. I pray everyday and try and surrender my pain, but it doesn't seem to budge.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on May 30, 2021 7:56:14 GMT -8
rubysarah, there’s not much I can add to what Doug said. Both of you posted some great things. So, I won’t add anything; but just know that I can relate to a lot of what you’re going through - very similar things have happened in my life. Please feel free to reach out to me, if you think it would help.
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