Thanks for this topic. I started out years ago in AlAnon and very quickly realized I needed to face up to my own compulsive overeating, which was with me since early childhood. I spent the next decade or more in OA, but in a group that used the AA literature and focused on the spiritual aspect of the disease and recovery, for which I'm forever grateful. I then spent the next 20 years attending open AA meetings, because that's all that was available to me, and although I gained a lot of support, my recovery and emotional sobriety were erratic.
I became very aware of my codependency along the way, but was oblivious to the extent of my love addiction, until I found my way here. I soon realized this was the root of all my other using, principally relationships but also food and workaholism. They were all ways of trying to fill the emptiness and avoiding being with myself. Since I've worked the steps here, I've made a lot of progress in being healthier in my marriage and God has revealed new levels of dependency to me. However, as I've been relieved of acting out in that area, I noticed the food was becoming an issue again. By the grace of God, I've put that down again, one day at a time, but recently find myself restless, bored, irritable, having difficulty just being and not constantly doing....basically I still have trouble being still with myself. I know that true peace comes in being still and knowing God is God and yet I still struggle to choose that better way.
I am aware of it, need to accept it rather than try to analyze it to death, and then hand it over to Him to heal, like all the other broken parts of me that He has healed previously. I don't know why that should seem so hard, but sometimes it is. I guess I've spent so long avoiding my feelings, there is still part of me that is afraid of what might surface if I do that. I'm willing not wanting, and know there is no way out but through.
As I'm writing this, I just had another revelation. I heard in The Wisdom of Trauma film the other day that if we didn't feel wanted, we make sure we are needed. As I'm setting my own boundaries and attempting to avoid my old go to of doing everything for everyone, not taking responsibility for what isn't my responsibility, I feel less useful....and less needed or wanted. That's a hard truth to accept, but I will know the Truth and the Truth will set me free.
Thanks for listening. I'm glad I don't have to do this alone.