|
|
Post by ready2learn on Jul 27, 2021 21:29:30 GMT -8
Hi. I’m fairly new to LAA and have been attending meetings for the past month.I have so many moments where I think I’m done with my PoA and I do really well. I’ve had this PoA for a few years now. The longest I’ve gone is 62 days of NC but every single day, I wished and fantasized that he would text me and my NC would end. That was a year ago. Fast forward to today and I feel like I’m living out my fantasy with my PoA. I’ve never gotten physical with anyone and my fantasies are just about having an emotional connection. I am married with children. My PoA is also married with kids and our kids play sports together. Recently, he’s been opening up to me about some personal things and I feel like I’m his confidante. It’s been such a struggle to set boundaries because I want to be that person for him but I know it just feeds my addiction. Logically I know I cannot be that person for him but the thrill I get when I get those messages as he shares his emotions with me make me feel special. I’ve definitely been struggling and it feels like a never ending cycle.
|
|
RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
|
Post by RoseNadler on Jul 28, 2021 5:19:22 GMT -8
Well, since you have attended meetings, and done some reading here on the boards, you know about NC.
Maybe it would help for you to imagine situations where NC is being threatened, or where you’re tempted to break NC - and then visualize and list ways that you can turn away from the contact and do something more constructive instead.
Changing behavior isn’t easy. That’s why we need to make certain rules for ourselves — and have a different, healthier activity or behavior ready, to substitute instead.
For example: I could be online-shopping right now, but I’m here instead. The next time I get the urge to shop, I could do some of my work. I could exercise. I could empty the dishwasher.
I’m not trying to over-simplify; and I know I’ve been in situations where sticking to the NC rule was extremely painful. Sometimes substituting a healthier behavior right away won’t work. You might need to find some privacy, cry, melt down, and sit with the pain. It sucks, but sometimes you just can’t avoid it.
When I gave up my last POA, the very last time I cried over him, the pain was excruciating. But towards the end of my meltdown, there was a sense of relief. I was giving up on a passionate fantasy I had had - and that hurt. It was real grief. Once I let myself have that grief, admitted to myself “this isn't going to happen; I’m giving up on him; I’m letting go of this,” I really did feel better. I think I needed to have that final big meltdown and be in the feelings before I could move forward.
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 28, 2021 8:08:21 GMT -8
Welcome to the message board . ..
|
|
|
|
Post by ready2learn on Jul 28, 2021 8:32:27 GMT -8
Thank you for the encouragement Rose. I’ve had at least 2 episodes where I’ve let myself grieve over this relationship and I swear I felt like I was done. It was so painful to feel all those emotions but during those times, I was ready to be done. So I get frustrated with myself because here I am, back in the cycle. I know it’s a process and I know I am doing better especially since finding out about LAA. I’m hoping that by working on my inner child stuff in therapy, I will be able to set better boundaries with my POA.
|
|
