Post by oz on Aug 11, 2021 0:18:08 GMT -8
I fight myself not to call him every day. I fight myself not to text, not to email but it just feels like telling a child they have their toy. I scream, I cry, I weep. I awake in catatonic states with eyes piercing at the wall like an owl with a thousand mile stare. I lie paralyzed in the agony of it all. I cannot believe it is over for good. We have been off an on for 5 years but this is really the longest we've gone without speaking. It's been 3 months. That's a lie, he called a couple weeks ago and asked if I had parasites.
The phone call almost led into a one night stand of us meeting up but I was moving the next day and needed my energy. He just shut me down when I expressed my side of the break up before he ghosted me when my car set on fire. I think, at least I will never have a breakup this bad again. It all just felt like a series of errors. The world was out of my control and it spun chaos into our world that ripped us apart. To him I had ended up looking like a villian, but I know my intentions and actions were pure all in all.
I was not the villian, I had been the lover who gave everything over, her soul body and mind and the most intense and immense love I had ever felt. I don't know how I will keep living like this with this intense bottomless pit void of anxiety inside myself. I feel I am a ship sinking while the band goes down with one last tune. I wake up every morning paralyzed puking from anxiety. I have been with others since but I feel like I'm just cheating on him. I feel shame. I do it because I miss him an it cures the gut wrenching anxiety temporarily. I don't know what to do anymore, I have dated, done psychedelics, lots of hypnotherapy, yoga, meditation, supplements, and nothing still. I feel like I'm sinking more and more regardless of all the good happening in my life.
I am pushing myself forward on a business end to heights I didn't see possible. At the end of the day however, it doesn't matter to me. I could finally get that big multi million dollar record deal and it wouldn't matter because I don't have him... I don't know what to do anymore, please help me. I feel as I am going through a heroin withdrawal and death of a husband all at once. It's more intense than I could imagine. I don't want to feel like this anymore. We have never been fully ale to break up due to the addiction cycle but I am pretty sure he doesn't love or care for me anymore. I don't think he cares that I exist.
This is a terrible pain I don't want to live with constantly everyday tormenting me. I think of him constantly, different locations, different songs make me think of him. I feel he is everywhere, a ghost haunting my life and imagination. I went and delivered his things and everything he gave me to his friend a few days ago and have gone into an episode since. It made me feel the loss heavier to know he is in a new band. I don't know this person anymore and it kills me inside.
The phone call almost led into a one night stand of us meeting up but I was moving the next day and needed my energy. He just shut me down when I expressed my side of the break up before he ghosted me when my car set on fire. I think, at least I will never have a breakup this bad again. It all just felt like a series of errors. The world was out of my control and it spun chaos into our world that ripped us apart. To him I had ended up looking like a villian, but I know my intentions and actions were pure all in all.
I was not the villian, I had been the lover who gave everything over, her soul body and mind and the most intense and immense love I had ever felt. I don't know how I will keep living like this with this intense bottomless pit void of anxiety inside myself. I feel I am a ship sinking while the band goes down with one last tune. I wake up every morning paralyzed puking from anxiety. I have been with others since but I feel like I'm just cheating on him. I feel shame. I do it because I miss him an it cures the gut wrenching anxiety temporarily. I don't know what to do anymore, I have dated, done psychedelics, lots of hypnotherapy, yoga, meditation, supplements, and nothing still. I feel like I'm sinking more and more regardless of all the good happening in my life.
I am pushing myself forward on a business end to heights I didn't see possible. At the end of the day however, it doesn't matter to me. I could finally get that big multi million dollar record deal and it wouldn't matter because I don't have him... I don't know what to do anymore, please help me. I feel as I am going through a heroin withdrawal and death of a husband all at once. It's more intense than I could imagine. I don't want to feel like this anymore. We have never been fully ale to break up due to the addiction cycle but I am pretty sure he doesn't love or care for me anymore. I don't think he cares that I exist.
This is a terrible pain I don't want to live with constantly everyday tormenting me. I think of him constantly, different locations, different songs make me think of him. I feel he is everywhere, a ghost haunting my life and imagination. I went and delivered his things and everything he gave me to his friend a few days ago and have gone into an episode since. It made me feel the loss heavier to know he is in a new band. I don't know this person anymore and it kills me inside.
