Post by slannah on Aug 20, 2021 7:04:40 GMT -8
Hi all,
Just posted on the newcomers thread introducing myself and my history. I mentioned there that I went no contact with my POA last night for the second, and I hope final, time.
It helps to post here. I’m sure most people going through a breakup experience some of this, but I know we go through it real hard and our love addict stuff emerges too.
It doesn’t feel as soul crushing and world ending this time around. I’ll count that as a blessing.
What I am struggling with right now, ~11 hours in:
-I slept about 2.5 hours. The insomnia got me real bad last time, too. It was the worst part I think. The relief from getting more sleep at night when I resumed contact was so good. I don’t want to resume contact, I don’t see it doing me any good. I do hate the sleepless nights.
-Lack of appetite, nausea. I keep retching.
-A weird numbness almost? I thought I’d feel completely distraught and anxious and like physically my world was ending. I certainly don’t feel good. I don’t feel much of anything, but I’m trying to let anything in that I can. I cried and held and soothed myself a little this morning after leaning into an intrusive thought about him being with other people in the future. Is it good to do this? I didn’t ruminate, just tried to let the emotion and sadness in and comfort myself.
-I keep starting to imagine myself writing to him. I cut contact fairly amicably. I admitted my responsibility in continuing to be part of a situation that I knew was unhealthy for me. And yet, when I think back on everything, he played a role too. He may have been clear we couldn’t be in a relationship, but he knew how I felt and claimed to care for me and engaged in relationship behavior and this did fuel my indulgence (again, I take responsibility for sticking around in the end). I don’t intent to write to him. I understand very clearly that it will not help either of us. Is it good to write this letter to myself, in a way? Just letting myself be angry through the letter, the way I want to be angry and blame him, to try to let it go, or better not to go there?
Thanks for reading, I welcome any tips, especially on ways to sleep better. Tried everything I could the first time around. Might just be something I have to live with for a while.
Just posted on the newcomers thread introducing myself and my history. I mentioned there that I went no contact with my POA last night for the second, and I hope final, time.
It helps to post here. I’m sure most people going through a breakup experience some of this, but I know we go through it real hard and our love addict stuff emerges too.
It doesn’t feel as soul crushing and world ending this time around. I’ll count that as a blessing.
What I am struggling with right now, ~11 hours in:
-I slept about 2.5 hours. The insomnia got me real bad last time, too. It was the worst part I think. The relief from getting more sleep at night when I resumed contact was so good. I don’t want to resume contact, I don’t see it doing me any good. I do hate the sleepless nights.
-Lack of appetite, nausea. I keep retching.
-A weird numbness almost? I thought I’d feel completely distraught and anxious and like physically my world was ending. I certainly don’t feel good. I don’t feel much of anything, but I’m trying to let anything in that I can. I cried and held and soothed myself a little this morning after leaning into an intrusive thought about him being with other people in the future. Is it good to do this? I didn’t ruminate, just tried to let the emotion and sadness in and comfort myself.
-I keep starting to imagine myself writing to him. I cut contact fairly amicably. I admitted my responsibility in continuing to be part of a situation that I knew was unhealthy for me. And yet, when I think back on everything, he played a role too. He may have been clear we couldn’t be in a relationship, but he knew how I felt and claimed to care for me and engaged in relationship behavior and this did fuel my indulgence (again, I take responsibility for sticking around in the end). I don’t intent to write to him. I understand very clearly that it will not help either of us. Is it good to write this letter to myself, in a way? Just letting myself be angry through the letter, the way I want to be angry and blame him, to try to let it go, or better not to go there?
Thanks for reading, I welcome any tips, especially on ways to sleep better. Tried everything I could the first time around. Might just be something I have to live with for a while.
