I relapsed last night. Initially we started talking about general things and catching up and then I asked him if he could tell me he’s never coming back and that he never wants to be with me again so I stop hoping and fantasizing. He said it but not directly. He then texted my sister and said he couldn’t say it because it was too cruel and he couldn’t be so cruel. He’s an avoidant and the conversation triggered his own trauma so he started panicking. I asked him to please block me so I wouldn’t reach out. He said why it has been to be that way? That I can always reach out and he’ll be there to help. But he said to my sister he can’t block me that it’s too cruel and his worried since I live alone. He told me today he won’t be offended if I block him. And I told him I would if I had the strength! He’s clearly said he doesn’t ever want to be with me again, he’s clearly said he’s never coming back (even though he’s getting intense therapy now for his avoidance issues!), why can’t he just block me?! I’m so weak from my addiction that I can’t find the will to do it. I overslept for work, I slept 16 hours last night and I haven’t been able to get out of bed. Thankfully, thanks to a lot of meds I’ve been taking, I don’t feel suicidal. But the pain and numbness is very hard to handle and I just can’t stop thinking about how it’s my fault. If he’s decided he doesn’t want to be with me even after getting healthy it clearly can’t just be about him. I feel hopeless.
Thanks Rose. I wish I had done it. He ended up agreeing to block me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I am even more hurt now because he now knows I'm not the strong person he thought I was and he used to always tell me how much he admired my strength and resilience. And here I go - begging and pleading for the third (and now last) time for him to take me back. He even said - I think you're idealizing me, I'm not this fantastic person you think I am. He must think so poorly of me, and yes I shouldn't care, but it hurts like hell. I wish I had done it myself, I wish I hadn't been so weak and pathetic.