Post by RoseNadler on Sept 3, 2021 15:12:54 GMT -8
Well, I thought I was doing so well in recovery, but maybe not.
I went on FB just now. My ex-BF (ex-POA) from 32 years ago (yes, 32 years) - just remarried today. Let’s call him “J”.
BITD, when we were together, I did everything wrong that I could possibly do wrong in that relationship. I expected way too much from him, and neglected all the other parts of my life. Classic LA behavior.
So, it was really good for both of us when we broke up, and miraculously, I accepted the breakup. (Then I did a lot of other naive stuff with men, but let’s stay on topic.)
Fast forward. J and I lost touch for a long time, and then found each other on FB. We had both married other people by then, and I knew I would probably never see him again, so being FB friends didn’t seem like a bad idea. And contact between us on FB stayed rare and non-addictive.
Fast forward some more. J and I were both divorced, and I was with my present partner, L. J contacted me again, and got kind of sentimental about our past. But I wasn’t feeling it at all. I was in love with L, and no longer interested in J as a man. I managed to convey that in a careful way, and it went no further.
Fast forward some more. I occasionally saw bits and pieces about J on FB. He had a girlfriend for a couple of years who I really liked (even though I didn’t even know her. But I liked what I saw about her on FB.) Let’s call her M.
Then, last summer, I saw that J. and M. had broken up. I was able to figure out that he had dumped her. I was kind of mad at J on M’s behalf. He not only dumped me all those years ago - but now he had dumped another woman whom I had liked. Not only did he dump M, but he dumped her for another woman (let’s call her R.) I wrote about it on this site at the time it happened. And I thought that was that. I wrote it out, and then it didn’t bother me anymore.
Today I found out that J married R.
All kinds of un-recovered thoughts went through my head. Like:
- He married two other women, and he wouldn’t marry me. Why wasn’t I good enough?
- Why did he dump M in favor of R, and then marry R just a year later? Part of me wants to get together with M and commiserate. (They all live about 500 miles away, and I don’t think M is even aware of my existence - so I won’t.)
- How come nobody wants to marry me? What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I good enough? (This ignores the fact that I actually have been married; and that I’ve turned down proposals from at least three other men - including L!)
My rational brain is still in charge, but my primitive brain is having all these feelings of shame, hurt, (somewhat) anger, jealousy, “I’m-not-good-enough”, etc.
When I saw the stuff about J last summer and got upset, I think sharing it here helped me process the feelings, let it go, and turn my attention to my own life. I’m hoping that writing and sharing this will help me now. I hope I can get past these naive feelings, and honestly feel happy for J. I don’t want him anymore myself. Nothing in his love life should upset me any more. The better part of me DOES wish him well. I just wish the messed-up part of me would catch up.
I also think that part of my problem is that I’m jealous that J and R are newlyweds, and everything is still romantic and passionate; while L and I are in a quieter kind of relationship. I wish I could have just a little passion and romance. But for me, that might be like an alcoholic wishing they could have “just one or two drinks.”
I went on FB just now. My ex-BF (ex-POA) from 32 years ago (yes, 32 years) - just remarried today. Let’s call him “J”.
BITD, when we were together, I did everything wrong that I could possibly do wrong in that relationship. I expected way too much from him, and neglected all the other parts of my life. Classic LA behavior.
So, it was really good for both of us when we broke up, and miraculously, I accepted the breakup. (Then I did a lot of other naive stuff with men, but let’s stay on topic.)
Fast forward. J and I lost touch for a long time, and then found each other on FB. We had both married other people by then, and I knew I would probably never see him again, so being FB friends didn’t seem like a bad idea. And contact between us on FB stayed rare and non-addictive.
Fast forward some more. J and I were both divorced, and I was with my present partner, L. J contacted me again, and got kind of sentimental about our past. But I wasn’t feeling it at all. I was in love with L, and no longer interested in J as a man. I managed to convey that in a careful way, and it went no further.
Fast forward some more. I occasionally saw bits and pieces about J on FB. He had a girlfriend for a couple of years who I really liked (even though I didn’t even know her. But I liked what I saw about her on FB.) Let’s call her M.
Then, last summer, I saw that J. and M. had broken up. I was able to figure out that he had dumped her. I was kind of mad at J on M’s behalf. He not only dumped me all those years ago - but now he had dumped another woman whom I had liked. Not only did he dump M, but he dumped her for another woman (let’s call her R.) I wrote about it on this site at the time it happened. And I thought that was that. I wrote it out, and then it didn’t bother me anymore.
Today I found out that J married R.
All kinds of un-recovered thoughts went through my head. Like:
- He married two other women, and he wouldn’t marry me. Why wasn’t I good enough?
- Why did he dump M in favor of R, and then marry R just a year later? Part of me wants to get together with M and commiserate. (They all live about 500 miles away, and I don’t think M is even aware of my existence - so I won’t.)
- How come nobody wants to marry me? What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I good enough? (This ignores the fact that I actually have been married; and that I’ve turned down proposals from at least three other men - including L!)
My rational brain is still in charge, but my primitive brain is having all these feelings of shame, hurt, (somewhat) anger, jealousy, “I’m-not-good-enough”, etc.
When I saw the stuff about J last summer and got upset, I think sharing it here helped me process the feelings, let it go, and turn my attention to my own life. I’m hoping that writing and sharing this will help me now. I hope I can get past these naive feelings, and honestly feel happy for J. I don’t want him anymore myself. Nothing in his love life should upset me any more. The better part of me DOES wish him well. I just wish the messed-up part of me would catch up.
I also think that part of my problem is that I’m jealous that J and R are newlyweds, and everything is still romantic and passionate; while L and I are in a quieter kind of relationship. I wish I could have just a little passion and romance. But for me, that might be like an alcoholic wishing they could have “just one or two drinks.”