Post by rosebud73 on Dec 28, 2021 7:40:04 GMT -8
Hello all,
I'm back again! I am here to stay accountable, process grief/reality and endure withdrawal (again).
I've had love and relationship addiction patterns for many years but also have grown a lot in self-love and boundaries. I'm learning what my triggers are- texting relationships/unavailable men/ narcissism and learning
that some parts of me will hyper attach.
I've had a lot of faith based healing but I still have places that are very vulnerable. I'm better at recognizing - "not the one" but the challenge is to stay away once I've ended it and/or gone no contact. This is a time when I can feel guilt or a honeymoon view of the early relationship....and/or I simply miss the validation and attention.
I am a survivor of neglect and abandonment, so being seen, known and loved by God and myself is very key for me. My Dad was not able to attach in a normal way....not at all and had traits of narcissism or sociopathy due to extreme trauma and abuse. My cycles were toxic/painful relationships with narcissists and/or sociopaths for decades including a very long marriage. My healing came through divine revelation that I am loved by God and I was looking for empty wells to fill me. He showed me that He would love me and fill me- to not look for this and expect it in others- which caused me to be wounded and broken by the lack of love- over and over. That was a game- changer!! There's a sermon out there- "Becoming Love" by Dan Mohler that was pivotal in this revelation and so is the whole Overcoming the Orphan Spirit teaching by Leif Hetland. He prayed for me actually. He told me that God was giving me self- love...and then blowed on me. I had a powerful spiritual and intimate encounter with God that day.
My heart is vulnerable to trying to fix/save/rescue people who were wounded/not loved. Part of this is my profession and ministry BUT I need to maintain strong personal boundaries in order to not "give in order to get." In my FOO- there was no love so I had to do/be and earn it by over achieving, by being "perfect" (not) and making people feel good. My mind dealt with rejection and abandonment by having pity and a false responsibility to be/give the love - an unloved person didn't have. Impossible right??? Only God can be that love - I can't. I can love and I can release love but I can not BE the thing they are lacking or fill the hole in another's heart. I tried many times....and in my relationships there would be a codependent toxic bond that caused both of us much damage when it was ended. I am so thankful to recognize these patterns and to remember when I feel needy, lonely, hungry and empty there IS one who will fill me. How can I receive this? How can I be closer to God? How can I LET him love me esp when I don't always feel very lovable? These the are questions I wrestle with but when I turn in to God - to HIs Spirit, His Word and His presence- I find answers, healing and peace.
There was an addictive attachment to narcissists in my life. I believe that they and sociopaths ARE incredibly addictive due to the type of attachment. It's not real! You are left love starved and the appearance of love early on- hooks the brain. It's horrible, damaging, deceptive and getting free is worth all of the pain of withdrawal. I feel that the addictive pull is a substitute for the REAL. It's a substitute for real intimacy- being known, authentic, and receiving this in return. It's a demonic counterfeit of love and I am so so happy to be getting free day by day-one truth at a time.
Breaking soul ties is key because we WILL keep returning until this spiritual dynamic is dealt with.
Thanks for allowing me to process and for being here. May we all receive God's love in a real way that is transformative and pushes out every lie that we are unlovable, unworthy, and unseen. <3
Rosebud73
I'm back again! I am here to stay accountable, process grief/reality and endure withdrawal (again).
I've had love and relationship addiction patterns for many years but also have grown a lot in self-love and boundaries. I'm learning what my triggers are- texting relationships/unavailable men/ narcissism and learning
that some parts of me will hyper attach.
I've had a lot of faith based healing but I still have places that are very vulnerable. I'm better at recognizing - "not the one" but the challenge is to stay away once I've ended it and/or gone no contact. This is a time when I can feel guilt or a honeymoon view of the early relationship....and/or I simply miss the validation and attention.
I am a survivor of neglect and abandonment, so being seen, known and loved by God and myself is very key for me. My Dad was not able to attach in a normal way....not at all and had traits of narcissism or sociopathy due to extreme trauma and abuse. My cycles were toxic/painful relationships with narcissists and/or sociopaths for decades including a very long marriage. My healing came through divine revelation that I am loved by God and I was looking for empty wells to fill me. He showed me that He would love me and fill me- to not look for this and expect it in others- which caused me to be wounded and broken by the lack of love- over and over. That was a game- changer!! There's a sermon out there- "Becoming Love" by Dan Mohler that was pivotal in this revelation and so is the whole Overcoming the Orphan Spirit teaching by Leif Hetland. He prayed for me actually. He told me that God was giving me self- love...and then blowed on me. I had a powerful spiritual and intimate encounter with God that day.
My heart is vulnerable to trying to fix/save/rescue people who were wounded/not loved. Part of this is my profession and ministry BUT I need to maintain strong personal boundaries in order to not "give in order to get." In my FOO- there was no love so I had to do/be and earn it by over achieving, by being "perfect" (not) and making people feel good. My mind dealt with rejection and abandonment by having pity and a false responsibility to be/give the love - an unloved person didn't have. Impossible right??? Only God can be that love - I can't. I can love and I can release love but I can not BE the thing they are lacking or fill the hole in another's heart. I tried many times....and in my relationships there would be a codependent toxic bond that caused both of us much damage when it was ended. I am so thankful to recognize these patterns and to remember when I feel needy, lonely, hungry and empty there IS one who will fill me. How can I receive this? How can I be closer to God? How can I LET him love me esp when I don't always feel very lovable? These the are questions I wrestle with but when I turn in to God - to HIs Spirit, His Word and His presence- I find answers, healing and peace.
There was an addictive attachment to narcissists in my life. I believe that they and sociopaths ARE incredibly addictive due to the type of attachment. It's not real! You are left love starved and the appearance of love early on- hooks the brain. It's horrible, damaging, deceptive and getting free is worth all of the pain of withdrawal. I feel that the addictive pull is a substitute for the REAL. It's a substitute for real intimacy- being known, authentic, and receiving this in return. It's a demonic counterfeit of love and I am so so happy to be getting free day by day-one truth at a time.
Breaking soul ties is key because we WILL keep returning until this spiritual dynamic is dealt with.
Thanks for allowing me to process and for being here. May we all receive God's love in a real way that is transformative and pushes out every lie that we are unlovable, unworthy, and unseen. <3
Rosebud73
