Hi All, I need a second set of eyes on this one. My POA was incapable of asking me out or planning any event or activity. Or making decisions. When I would ask if he would like this or that, his answer was usually, I have no preference. You decide. He was comfortable coming to my house with no plan other than cooking and eating together. I stayed small, did not fully ask for what I wanted because when I would attempt he would get defensive and an argument ensued. He has defense issues and also had a willingness to grow at times. He came to my house last night, NYE, with no plans or ideas. For the first time, I did not take the reins planning or cooking. I stayed still and noticed and saw that if I didn't initiate, nothing was happening. I came out of my denial last night and accepted his incapability. I have read about defensiveness and there was info about men who are defensive, often won't plan or decide, because their brains are already telling them they are wrong or will be wrong. Because it was NYE, I saw the light. Now this morning, he is texting with plans. And asking me out. Is this healthy, unhealthy, fear based? Without being rigid and with understanding my role and his role in love addiction, is it possible that his willingness is genuine after the fact? I think it is genuine but I also think he is experiencing abandonment and wants us to be together. My concern is that it would be short lived or not genuine. Though, it is human nature sometimes that we need a kick in the rear when we have been complacent. I have no fantasies that he will change. I see very clearly his actions in our relationship. Would really appreciate some feedback.
Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 1, 2022 9:57:33 GMT -8
Some people are planners and really enjoy this. Other people can only live in the moment. Still others are codependent and do not know what they want. This is just the difference in personalities. It does not mean that there is necessarily wrong with a person or that they do not love you. But it does bring up the question of compatibility issues. Compatibility is either being alike or having a high tolerance for your differences. I did all the planning in my relationship with my husband and enjoyed this role. There were times when it annoyed me but mostly, I just accepted this difference between us. So the choice is totally up to you. Let us know how you are doing with this. Namaste.
Thank you for your insightful reply Susan. I will reflect upon it. I'm imagining that I practice acceptance of this. I have great challenges myself in planning; it is very hard for this ADHD girl. Though, I'm willing to accept the responsibility of it. As I imagine the I say OK to this role, I see the next obstacle of my POA's responses when I have tried to plan something. I get a consistent. "We will see" " I don't know right now" "I'll let you know later". And then nothing materializes. Then when later arrives I remind him and he gets upset. I understand his wounds. Per your comment about compatibility, my question for myself is can I be compatible with his multiple inabilities. Thanks again Susan. Happy 2022!
Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 1, 2022 13:00:51 GMT -8
It is one thing to accept the fact that you do all the planning, and another to not be able to plan at all. If this is true, then you are probably not right for each other. Planning is a need for me, and I need to plan whether my partner helps me or not. Sometimes little things are really big things and need to be addressed. He may not want to plan, but it is important that he let you plan for the two of you. My husband and I used to fight about this and then he surrendered to my need to plan because he loves me. It is not his strong suit and I accept this. Life is too unorganized without little planning. At the same time, you have to know when to let the planning go and live in the moment. It is an art to balance planning and living in the moment. I will pray for you.