In Love Addiction We Shame Ourselves for Ignoring Instincts

"In love addiction, we shame ourselves for ignoring our instincts. For second guessing ourselves and believing that maybe this time it will be different, despite all the red flags in a relationship. But just like our instincts try to protect us, so does our second-guessing, it tells us stories to keep us attached, to protect us from what we fear most: the pain that comes from disconnection." Jodi White, LPC

I've been thinking a lot about this lately--about how often in my love addiction my instincts would warn me or try to show me the reality of a situation. But I'd almost always question them with a 'Yes, but, WHAT IF...?'⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

What if I'm wrong about this? What if this person is 'the one'? What if it's ME with the problem and I can fix it? What if it's all in my head?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And this second-guessing myself kept me in many relationships much longer than I should've been. But just like my instincts were trying to rescue me, my second-guessing was trying to protect me, too--by helping me avoid 'the end' of a relationship (something I deeply feared) by telling me stories that protected my attachment to a person.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

They were stories of hope and potential that kept me hooked into the fantasy of a partner, and that fantasy was the glue that held my dysfunctional relationships together.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The fantasy provided a partnership worth struggling for, and my second-guessing helped squash my instincts by leading me to believe the issues were my fault--and if it was my fault, then I could fix it right?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And I'm not alone--I hear about this second-guessing from clients who question 'Why didn't I listen to my instincts?', and all of this comes with shame.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

We learn as children of dysfunctional family systems to ignore our instincts in order to get our attachment needs met because our survival depends upon it. So this second-guessing came about to help us survive childhood by protecting our attachment to caregivers.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

One of the most important realizations in recovery is the awareness that I can survive on my own. This doesn't mean I don't want relationships, but that I'm not dependent upon anyone else for my survival (and this makes it much easier to listen to my instincts).⠀

I've been learning a lot about grief lately and realize that grief recovery is (should be) an important part of love addiction recovery. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I'm realizing that those of us moving through life with attachment wounding are also struggling with grief--the grief that occurs due to a loss of safety and trust, and loss of developmental needs in childhood (such as nurturance, protection, guidance).⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Unresolved grief consumes tremendous amounts of energy and tends to separate us from ourselves* and, as Rob Bell says, it stifles the imagination.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

In my love addiction I was constantly exhausted and living outside of my body--not in touch with reality, ungrounded; continually obsessing about how to make a relationship work vs able to know that it wasn't good for me.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I couldn't see the potential of my own life--couldn't imagine what was beyond the hardship of a particular relationship. I could only fantasize about my partner and see the 'made-up' potential I'd created about him and us.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

There's a difference between fantasy and imagination, at least when we're talking about love addiction. Imagination is our creative mind at work, it allows us to think of new ways of doing and seeing things, new ideas and plans based upon who we are and what we want.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Fantasy was part of my addiction--a tool I'd used since childhood to escape reality; it was born of my belief that I was unlovable and incapable of big things, and it soothed the pain that came with these insecurities. Fantasy was like my security blanket and I needed it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

'Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain...but we've been socialized to resolve issues with our intellect... grief recovery involves learning the skills we weren't taught in childhood' -*from The Grief Recovery Handbook by James & Friedman⠀⠀