Post by Attraversiamo on Feb 13, 2022 2:24:02 GMT -8
Hello,
I am new here - I only joined the site yesterday.
I have been a Love Addict since childhood, and although I always knew it inherently, I did not know the term Love Addict even existed - like Drug Addict or Sex Addict. As a woman, I only knew I was attracted to emotionally unavailable, abusive and narcissistic men and that I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame.
About 1.5 years ago I embarked on a spiritual journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, which lead me to a teacher and holder of space for healing. (I like to refer to her as my guru or my spiritual guide). I long for a community of like-minded people, but as an introvert, single child, and exceptionally private person, I find it very difficult to commune with others - especially women (I was abandoned by my biological mother, who was a severe narcissist, twice as a child).
For the last 6 months I have been in a codependent-narcissist relationship - and although all the warning signals went off from day one, and even though my nervous system was screaming NOT SAFE! NOT SAFE!, and even though I was miserable and crying every day, I found it very difficult, yet again, to cut the ties with this man.
And then my guru showed up. Actually, I showed up for myself. And herein lies a tremendous amount of power for me. Instead of beating myself up about this 6-month relationship, thinking I had yet again failed, or wasted time, or that I am not good enough, or that I am unlovable, or feeling sorry for myself because my love is being rejected, I can now say it does not take me 6 years anymore to get out of a codependent-narcissist relationship, it now only takes me 6 months. And for me this is a victory. Maybe some day it will only take me 6 weeks. Or 6 days. And perhaps one day I will recognise the pattern within 6 hours.
I now recognise and admit that I am a Love Addict. Sometimes I am an obsessed love addict, sometimes I am a co-dependent love addict. And sometimes, when I meet a perfectly good man that loves me, I even become the narcissist. The roles sometimes even swop within the same relationship. But for the most part, I am a codependent love addict. And this is my truth.
My guru suggested I join LAA, and here I am. Showing up for myself. Ready to do the work. I know that dark days will come. I know that the withdraws will come. I know that I will suffer from time to time, and that the obsession and compulsion to make contact will get bad. But I am awake and aware this time - seeker of truth, transformation, and liberation.
Yesterday I cut all ties with this man. I committed to the 12 rules of No Contact. I blocked him on every platform imaginable. Packed away all his gifts. Deleted all messages, call logs, photos and memories. And then I blessed him in spirit. I do not hate him, for I know he is also in pain. To make it worse, he is bipolar and I am an empath, which made the attraction extremely strong. It was the perfect environment for the parasite and host to co-exist. Ultimately, the narcissist and the codependent long for the same thing, I guess - both fearing abandonment and starvation.
I have to accept his journey, just as much as I have to accept mine. I have to recognise his soul, as much as I recognise mine. I need to love him as much as I love myself, and therefore I had to let him go.
Instead of hating, blaming, shaming and judging him, I thanked him for coming into my life and showing me what it is that I need to do - and I really meant it! Had it not been for this man crossing my path, I would not have realised that I still need to do a lot of work on myself, that I have to be my own lover first, that I have to provide for myself what I long for in others (love, peace, balance, stability, consistency), and that I will always have to manage this disease - one day at a time.
Today I am grateful that I do not feel hopeless. I am grateful because I feel relieved - as if the weight of the world had been moved from my shoulders. I can now finally put down the bag of bricks I have been carrying, for they were not serving me in any way.
Now I am ready to cross over.
Attraversiamo.
I am new here - I only joined the site yesterday.
I have been a Love Addict since childhood, and although I always knew it inherently, I did not know the term Love Addict even existed - like Drug Addict or Sex Addict. As a woman, I only knew I was attracted to emotionally unavailable, abusive and narcissistic men and that I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame.
About 1.5 years ago I embarked on a spiritual journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, which lead me to a teacher and holder of space for healing. (I like to refer to her as my guru or my spiritual guide). I long for a community of like-minded people, but as an introvert, single child, and exceptionally private person, I find it very difficult to commune with others - especially women (I was abandoned by my biological mother, who was a severe narcissist, twice as a child).
For the last 6 months I have been in a codependent-narcissist relationship - and although all the warning signals went off from day one, and even though my nervous system was screaming NOT SAFE! NOT SAFE!, and even though I was miserable and crying every day, I found it very difficult, yet again, to cut the ties with this man.
And then my guru showed up. Actually, I showed up for myself. And herein lies a tremendous amount of power for me. Instead of beating myself up about this 6-month relationship, thinking I had yet again failed, or wasted time, or that I am not good enough, or that I am unlovable, or feeling sorry for myself because my love is being rejected, I can now say it does not take me 6 years anymore to get out of a codependent-narcissist relationship, it now only takes me 6 months. And for me this is a victory. Maybe some day it will only take me 6 weeks. Or 6 days. And perhaps one day I will recognise the pattern within 6 hours.
I now recognise and admit that I am a Love Addict. Sometimes I am an obsessed love addict, sometimes I am a co-dependent love addict. And sometimes, when I meet a perfectly good man that loves me, I even become the narcissist. The roles sometimes even swop within the same relationship. But for the most part, I am a codependent love addict. And this is my truth.
My guru suggested I join LAA, and here I am. Showing up for myself. Ready to do the work. I know that dark days will come. I know that the withdraws will come. I know that I will suffer from time to time, and that the obsession and compulsion to make contact will get bad. But I am awake and aware this time - seeker of truth, transformation, and liberation.
Yesterday I cut all ties with this man. I committed to the 12 rules of No Contact. I blocked him on every platform imaginable. Packed away all his gifts. Deleted all messages, call logs, photos and memories. And then I blessed him in spirit. I do not hate him, for I know he is also in pain. To make it worse, he is bipolar and I am an empath, which made the attraction extremely strong. It was the perfect environment for the parasite and host to co-exist. Ultimately, the narcissist and the codependent long for the same thing, I guess - both fearing abandonment and starvation.
I have to accept his journey, just as much as I have to accept mine. I have to recognise his soul, as much as I recognise mine. I need to love him as much as I love myself, and therefore I had to let him go.
Instead of hating, blaming, shaming and judging him, I thanked him for coming into my life and showing me what it is that I need to do - and I really meant it! Had it not been for this man crossing my path, I would not have realised that I still need to do a lot of work on myself, that I have to be my own lover first, that I have to provide for myself what I long for in others (love, peace, balance, stability, consistency), and that I will always have to manage this disease - one day at a time.
Today I am grateful that I do not feel hopeless. I am grateful because I feel relieved - as if the weight of the world had been moved from my shoulders. I can now finally put down the bag of bricks I have been carrying, for they were not serving me in any way.
Now I am ready to cross over.
Attraversiamo.
