Circles

I feel hopeless right now. My mind is going in circles. After all my years in recovery, I still feel and think like a love addict. Fortunately, I no longer act like one. I have to give myself credit for that at least.

My husband passed away two years ago, and lately I have been lonely. So, I reached out at my AA meetings and one man invited me out for coffee. It is strictly platonic for me. I have no desire to fall in love again. We had a nice time. Then I thought to myself, it would be nice to do in again in a week or so. I got home and emailed him. He has not responded. My mind goes into love addict mode. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Why is he not responding? etc. etc.

I am feeling sad, and it is insane. So what? There are so many people out there to meet and have coffee with. Why should I care about this one person. It is irrational. My addict brain says call and see what is wrong. Try harder. This is ridiculous. We just did not click. He is probably busy. No big deal.

These things pass more quickly for me now that I am recovery, but once again I realize there is no real cure for love addict attachment dysregulation. I still want what I did not get as a child . . . for everyone to like me. This is not even logical, but my inner child wants what she wants.

I confess all this not to discourage newcomers, but to be honest. It is through self-honesty that we make progress not perfection.

Susie