Promise #4 No Contact Rules

Here are the official Love Addicts Anonymous “No Contact Rules.” Everything is a suggestion but it is like the suggestion to put on your parachute before you jump.

When a relationship is over or needs to end because it is toxic, most healthy people feel loss or sadness, but eventually they are able to move on. For Love Addicts, however, the act of “moving on” can be a seemingly impossible task, steeped in fear and desperation to hang on. When this is the case, one must learn to engage in no contact.

No contact is a gift you give yourself in order to control your obsessive behavior, overcome your addiction to a person and begin to heal. No contact also means no new hurt. Still, many of us struggle with what no contact means, exactly. Below is a list that will help you understand and follow no contact:

1. No Talking in Person: The relationship is over, or you’d like it to be over. This means that you do not engage in talking to your Qualifier. So often we feel obligated to “say one last thing” or contact someone to persuade them not to leave. But a breakup is a breakup because at least one person does not want to be in the relationship. This needs to be respected. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else does nothing productive. It will make you look bad, plain and simple. Remember that no contact is a gift you give to yourself so that you can heal and become healthy. Not talking to your Qualifier is part of that process of recovery.

2. No Sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to win back the Qualifier, or to simply feel close via physical contact. But when the relationship is over, so too are the fringe benefits. Sex after a breakup is just sex. And oftentimes it’s degrading. No contact means no sex with your Qualifier, or with any random stranger or friend of the Qualifier for the purpose of making him jealous. Sex without love strips you of self-esteem and dignity. You are worth more.

3.No Phone Calls: Sometimes we just want to make that connection to hear their voice. Don’t call or leave messages after hours, or call their relatives, their work, etc. It will do absolutely nothing positive. When the relationship is over, so is communication.

4. No Texts: One of the hardest things to avoid in today’s world is the text message. It has become a relationship backbone. But when the relationship is over, so is communication. Don’t text your Qualifier, and don’t respond to texts. Delete them as soon as they come in—as hard as that may be—because if you read them, you’re hooked and often feel compelled to respond. Sending texts is counter-productive to recovery and healing.

5. No E-mails: Dear Qualifier letters that profess your love, your hatred, or anything else do nothing productive. This type of behavior does very little to initiate closeness with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, nor does it help you to break the bonds of a toxic relationship.

6. No Letters or Packages: Don’t send back old memories, letters or notes to their door. It crosses boundaries. And when you get no response from this, it devastates you. Pack the stuff up and forget about it, or put it in the trash.

7. No Instant Messaging: Instant Messaging, especially when you are both online and your Qualifier is not initiating a conversation, can drive you crazy. There are issues of tone and accusations that are misconstrued in writing. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else to initiate dialogue does nothing productive. It only makes you look bad, plain and simple.

8. No Contact from a Distance (Stalking): When we are obsessed over a Qualifier, we tend to go to great lengths to see them or be near them, even after a break up. Thus, no contact includes going to their favorites places, planning to bump into them, looking for their car, watching them leave in the morning and more importantly, driving by their home to see if they are there or who might have parked a car in their driveway overnight. This is stalking. It is highly counterproductive to recovery, not to mention dangerous, and could get you in trouble.

9. No Cyber Stalking: Perusing social networking sites such as Facebook, WhatsApp, MySpace, and Match.com, even eBay, CraigsList or Googling, in an attempt to learn more about your Qualifier and “see” what he or she is up to, is against the rules of no contact. This type of behavior is symptomatic of love addiction. And it does nothing but harshly remind you that they are no longer yours. Delete their profiles or block them.

10. Do Not Reply: One of the hardest acts of no contact is not responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. We believe that if they contact us, we are worthy! They must love us. How can we not respond to that? Some of us respond because we tell ourselves it’s rude not to. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But remember, you have a right to place a boundary and not let certain people in. You have the right to not pick up the phone or reply to a text. It’s called discretion. Responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, or any attempt by your Qualifier to contact you are not allowed with no contact.

11. No Contacting the Ex’s Friends and Family: Sometimes we rationalize no contact by thinking, “If I’m not directly contacting him (her), I’m safe.” So, we continue to forge bonds with friends we shared while dating. But contact with those closest to the Qualifier (their friends, family members, co-workers), is not no contact. Asking what they’re up to, if they’re dating, etc. is still contact. In order to recover, we sometimes need to put shared friends on the back burner for a while too in order to heal.

12. No Excessive Fantasizing: “No Contact” can be mental and emotional as well as physical. What’s the point in following all of the above rules of no contact, only to spend your whole daydreaming of the ex? The idea of no contact is NO CONTACT, but some of us simply cannot let go and so we continue the relationship in our minds. This can go on for years (known as torchbearing). Practice thought-stopping. Keep your mind active and busy. Remember that your heart, mind and body are sacred places and need no contact in order to heal and MOVE on.