I’m Still Powerless over My Love Addiction

Part of the problem is that there are a lot of other life stresses right now:

1) I have to work at the office now, instead of WFH. That drains my energy. I feel like I have to keep up appearances more. I really think now that the ideal work situation for me would be hybrid. I was alone too much while it was all WFH. I need *some* time going out and seeing people. Just not as much as the “real world” demands.

2) I’m just getting over COVID. L. had it too. While that was going on, he (quite reasonably) was even less physically affectionate than usual. My mind knew that he was right: don’t spread germs. My inner child/inner teenager felt utterly abandoned.

3) Yesterday afternoon, the power company screwed something up while they were trying to “fix” something. We haven’t had electricity in our apartment since then. L. has been in a disgruntled mood about it (understandably) and has been doing practical things to help solve the problem. But he’s in problem-handling mode and doesn’t have any energy left for being affectionate with me.

I’ve held it together OK so far (I think). I went to my favorite place of solace, the local bookstore. It’s air conditioned and they have wifi. I just got paid, so I had money to put gas in the car and grab a bite to eat.

Just being in a bookstore or library really helps me.

This message board helps a lot.

Your answering me right away was balm to my soul.

And—I stopped writing for a few minutes because I got into a conversation with a woman at the bookstore, who seems to be worse off than I am. She’s living in her van right now. (She does have an occupation and job prospects, so things are looking up for her.)

I think HP came through for me.

I know I have a serious problem with being mean to myself and being hard on myself. I wish I could have that go away, or least reduce the intensity of it.

What is a moderate, reasonable way to think about yourself? If you don’t want to do bad things to other people and bring negative things to the world around you, you do have to hold yourself to some standards. In my past, I’ve behaved in ways that hurt other people. Sometimes I think I’m never going to get over that, never forgive myself.

My brain tells me that there has to be a way to find moderation in all of this. I’ve done some wrong things. However, a lot of people have done even worse things that I’ve NEVER done (murder, torture, genocide, various violent crimes.) I’ve never even done any big crimes against property. Very petty theft and minor vandalism (in childhood.) In fact, I’ve never even done anything bad enough to be considered a felony. Not even that many misdemeanors.

And other people have hurt me, and I always get over being angry after awhile. Most of the time, I can even understand why they did it (even though I don’t like it.)

How can I be more moderate with my guilt? How can I have standards and make myself bring good to the world (or at least, avoid bringing bad to the world)—but somehow, stop beating myself up and feeling terrible about myself?