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Post by ush1967 on Aug 29, 2022 6:21:22 GMT -8
My story is so long that I don' t where to begin. And it is hard for me to put my pain into words and stay coherent.But I think it' s time to write this on a semi public board. Nothing helps me from ruminating and trying to get into contact with my ex.
I have a long history of not letting go of love and stalking. The two real relationships I had both ended with me realising that even the ones I trusted completely were using and deceiving me.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 29, 2022 6:34:59 GMT -8
Welcome. One of the best things about a healthy relationship is the trust between you which leads to true emotional intimacy. I finally found it for the first time when I was 56. It was worth waiting for.
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Post by ush1967 on Aug 29, 2022 6:40:54 GMT -8
Hi Susan,
Thank you for the reassurance. I first have to get back to finding my autonomy first, I know. Than maybe I will be able to feel free to be me again. Now I' m just struggling to get over the pain my self blame. How could I ' ve been so blind.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 29, 2022 7:08:29 GMT -8
These things take time. This annoys me sometimes. Once I realized that acceptance is the answer I want to move right into the feeling of acceptance. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. Thanks for posting.
Right now, I am working on accepting the loss of LAA. It used to fill my days and God has not yet presented a replacement to fill my time. But I have faith that he will eventually as soon as my inner child lets go.
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Post by Shirley on Aug 29, 2022 12:35:46 GMT -8
As you mention the loss of LAA, my loss in LAA is the presence of respect to Susan, her leadership was not from any inflated ego but from experience, she had a vision, she fulfilled it to help love addicts. The loss is Susans leadership that has simply been misconstrued and used almost as measurement for some to validate resentments. This is very difficult to accept, I accept LAA is an exceptional programe, of course it is a work of art that Susan so tirelessly built from her unique innovative approach to life and recovering love addiction.
So yes, acceptance sets us free, God grant me the serenity …..to accept the things/people I cannot change …🙏
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Post by ush1967 on Aug 29, 2022 22:49:48 GMT -8
As you mention the loss of LAA, my loss in laa is the presence of respect to Susan, her leadership was not from any inflated ego but from experience, she had a vision, she fulfilled it to help love addicts. The loss is Susans leadership that has simply been misconstrued and used almost as measurement for some to validate resentments. This is very difficult to accept, I accept LAA is an exceptional programme, of course it is a work of art that Susan so tirelessly built from her unique innovative approach to life and recovering love addiction. So yes, acceptance sets us free, God grant me the serenity …..to accept the things/people I can not change …🙏 [Of course you need to mourn this loss. I thought about it the minute I heard of all the changes. It seems to me that it was a child you nursed into adulthood. It still is your child, I think it' s just leaving the nest to live it's own adult life. And you are going trough empty nest syndrome ; ). Which you can tackle like nobody else. Going through the withdrawal steps like me with my PoA. We'll work hard together. Sending you good vibes and real sisterly love from Amsterdam |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 30, 2022 10:15:10 GMT -8
Yes, I am experiencing empty nest syndrome. But that implies that the little birds are learning to fly off safely. I am concerned about the future of LAA because of the chairperson they chose. She says she is interested in a group conscience, but then she insists at the last IBM meeting that only she can set the agenda for the future. Her first act as our new leader was to call an emergency meeting and get rid of LAA's association with the message board. Then she had the group go over the Meeting Guidelines to revise them so her friends would qualify for service positions. She wanted to eliminate the year-long membership in LAA and the requirement of having worked the steps so she would qualify. I am venting again. I guess I am still clinging to a resentment. I will work on this and let go and let God.
Susan
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Post by ush1967 on Aug 31, 2022 2:37:01 GMT -8
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Susan
Yes, your adult child is the LAA. The adult is now testing the waters. And following a different path than you' ve set for it. The LAA will make it' s own mistakes and will follow the wrong people more than once. You on the other hand will be too busy with following your own path. You have talents and a network. And the gift of putting your thoughts into words. You already have a life, a purpose and a task.
The next step is the find the joy in this new path, the new selflove in the new you.
That' s what comes into my mind when I read your topic.
Again, good sailings from over the ocean.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 31, 2022 8:08:44 GMT -8
What I am feeling today is that there is no new path yet. I thought my future now lay in my professional work. I went to Amazon and looked at the reviews of my book Addiction to Love. They were mostly negative. I realize that this is because my book may be outdated. It was first written in 1989 and just covers the basics for beginners. So now, I am looking for a path away from love addiction. I hope something materializes soon as I need a brighter tomorrow.
Susan
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 2, 2022 10:52:30 GMT -8
A new path away from love addiction is already a new path. The question in there is, what little things in life make you enjoy life? Sports, cooking, gardening, learning new skills. I always feel that people, like me, who are strugglin' with life or are overthinking the struggle, need to learn to enjoy life first and than from that place of joy try to establish a life.
Today I had a good second half of the day. The first half was hell.Like a lot of days this year. But I do feel I' m making progress. I still want to commit murder, but I feel the new old me is coming back. very slowly, though.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 2, 2022 11:15:03 GMT -8
Our relationship started in 2011.
For me it ended this year. For him it ended in march 2020. I know this because I hacked his email and found pictures on his drive and mails to his now wife. I won' t elaborate, because it will fuel my anger.
We were not happy together, but I trustedhim completely. That' s what hurts the most I think, the lying. The person I thought he was. I did not know the man I have been with the past 10+ years. And the man I did know I did not want as my partner in life. But honesty and loyalty from him I took as a given. I never expected this avalange of lies for the second time in my life. All I want is revenge. But, I need to leave it to the universe. I need my energy for myself. I don' t want to spend another 20 years getting my revenge. His family, his ex-wife are all on my side and supporting me. That should make a differance to me. I need to focus on their love for me, I can feel it helps.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 2, 2022 11:42:00 GMT -8
A new path away from love addiction is already a new path. The question in there is, what little things in life make you enjoy life? Sports, cooking, gardening, learning new skills. I always feel that people, like me, who are strugglin' with life or are overthinking the struggle, need to learn to enjoy life first and than from that place of joy try to establish a life. Today I had a good second half of the day. The first half was hell.Like a lot of days this year. But I do feel I' m making progress. I still want to commit murder, but I feel the new old me is coming back. very slowly, though. I know I have a huge problem with overthinking things, trying to control outcomes, and generally making life harder than it has to be. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 2, 2022 11:56:38 GMT -8
I am ready for my new life. I like to go out for coffee with my friends. God just put two new friends in my life to do that. Thanks for the support.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 2, 2022 22:45:44 GMT -8
Yes, ruminating is my worst enemy. I watched a lot of you tube video's of being in a relationship or ending one with a person with narcistic traits. How to stop ruminating. I argue with and shout at him all day and night long. So this morning I thought I' d try journaling here along with my own diary. Where there are other people who respond and read and recognise the agony of letting go. It' s strange to wake up alone, with his dog, we start our day together. Yes, he abandoned his dog, just left her behind.
In the morning I message his brother and sis in law in South Africa, who are my rocks and his ex- wife in Belgium. And now I say good morning to the world of LAA as well.
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hideaway
New Member
Well I just tried to listen to a podcast with Pia Mellody speaker. I will never do that again..
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Post by hideaway on Sept 9, 2022 14:03:33 GMT -8
God's direction can be so painfully slow. Especially when my need for relief is desperate. When annihilated as a child the solid ground to stand on is simply not there. Never formed really. Susan Peabody, you are amazing. To construct LAA based on intuition, divine guidance and an amazing ability to verbalize is a gift to me! And I thank you. I am not trying to flatter, I am too rebellious for such things, but, I so so so needed to know what was wrong with me. Sober for many years and yet in excruciating pain. You put a name on what I was feeling...and a place to go so not to be alone but to rise little by slowly to the surface.
I don't know what your feeling..no experience, strength on this. I'm sure Bill Wilson does. I pray for peace to enter you and soothe you until you see the purpose to this. I am ever so grateful to you.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 10, 2022 0:44:45 GMT -8
Since I can' t seem to find the thread I started, I ll try to keep a journal here. After a very hot summer, autumn ' s finally giving us rain and a cool breeze. The pain of the deceit is still there. I' m not able to let it go. But I keep hope. Hopefully therapy will help. I en just need to get through the weeks or months before it starts. Still trying to find my de way in LAA/RLA, see what will work for me
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 10, 2022 22:57:39 GMT -8
Sunday morning. On Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday I visit my mom. It' s not easy, because she can' t walk nor speak, lies in bed. We communicate with our eyes and hugs I hold hr hand a lot. It ' s sad and draing my energy. Ye, I feel calm when I' m with her. It seems like the ruminating is slowly getting less.Why? Maybe I' m realising that this nightmare is reality and I am free to live my own life again. make plans for when my mom's gone. The hate is still there. But, I think my PoA is a sad. person as well. Too cowardly or warped to live life being honest and loyal.
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RoseNadler
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Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 11, 2022 8:19:20 GMT -8
It sucks that you’re dealing with so much, all at the same time.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 12, 2022 0:45:22 GMT -8
Thank you for that, Rose. Yes, it' s a hard and bitter pill to swallow.And why? I just wrote a long piece on how difficult it is to start my day. From a stinging knot in my stomach for seeing no purpose in life. Walking is the only thing that helps me. So that's what I do. Radical acceptance of what happened to me is does not happen in an instant. It' s a long process of leaving memories in the past and giving your wounded heart, the loss of equilibrium the time to heal and resettle. It s like the not so pretty colours in a mandala. They are there.Ineed to try to shift my focus to the good things in my life. There is still much to be grateful for, while dealing with the hurt. I feel that my emotions are ready to give energy to start appreciating the good things. But first I need to find the courage to start my day.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 12, 2022 4:59:47 GMT -8
This is true. Still working on this myself . . .
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 12, 2022 8:35:57 GMT -8
I can relate.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 12, 2022 10:52:57 GMT -8
Today was a hard day. I' m struggling with no contact. I don' t want to suffer alone. I want him to know I' m in pain. But no contact is better for me. So...I write here.
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RoseNadler
Moderator
Newcomer Greeter & Moderator
Posts: 1,068
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Post by RoseNadler on Sept 13, 2022 13:51:15 GMT -8
Stay strong! One day at a time. One hour at a time.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 14, 2022 1:55:22 GMT -8
He has send me a warning trough the police. If I contact him or his friends he' ll make it official. The nerve!!
I' m so dissapointed in him. So no contact is final for me. It's so infuriating. The deceit, the hurt and he' s getting away with it. What a horrible world we live in. But I better concentrate on my own sanity first..
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 14, 2022 6:15:20 GMT -8
I' m not seething, I was before. Now I' m left with disappointment. My body is tired and my mind is stuck. Can' t leave the bed.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 14, 2022 7:32:52 GMT -8
Hang in there . . . Attachments:
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 14, 2022 8:12:21 GMT -8
I have no where else to hang out. So ruminating in my bed. I hope I' ll find the courage to get up and go tomorrow.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 14, 2022 8:12:42 GMT -8
I have no where else to hang out. So ruminating in my bed. I hope I' ll find the courage to get up and go tomorrow.
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 14, 2022 8:13:53 GMT -8
Hang in there . . . Thank you. I have to.. and for you too: strength and courage. |
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Post by ush1967 on Sept 16, 2022 5:47:30 GMT -8
Strugling with NC. Just to pester him I called him and mailed him.
But,of course it' s doing me no good. So I NEED to STOP it!!
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