I' m doing pretty well. Not easy, but I have to. Otherwise I' m going to end up in court. Unbelievable, but true. Zoning out with the Handmaid' s tale and staying indoors is helping me. I cannot handle anything else right now. I wish I had the freedom and money to join my friend on the Island of Sri Lanka. But I have my responsibilities here and need to stay put. Not complaining.I am aware that I am in a fortunate position and good times MUST lay ahead.
Last Edit: Sept 26, 2022 10:03:11 GMT -8 by ush1967
Some people cannot handle no contact because it brings up emotions that they are not prepared to face. But do try to wean yourself and do less contact every day. Freedom awaits you . . .Thank you, I keep holding on to that.
Maybe it did help.The ruminating doesn' t stop, but the pain is less pungeant. I can look forward. The future is still a blurr. I can see the here and now a bit clearer. I hope I will be able to start my days with a less heavy heart.
I got out of bed. Now at my old mom.Gave her a massage. It' s her 95th birthday wednesday and the rage towards my ex is flaring up. But I really have to solve this anger in a different way than plotting murder. I will think about it.
This day was not easy. It started lousy, because since the last week I started dreaming about my PoA. And the one last night was painful.I woke up with hurt in my heart. Todaythe tears came again. on a brighter note. I had good contacct with my mom. She signalled that she wants to go out on her b- day. So I arranged that we go to the center, a square in the middle of the city. Wheelchair transportation vehicle. And accessibility at the café are all in order. But she might be sleeping on wednesday, so it,' s always a surprise. Now I' ll try to unwind and hopefully sleep better than last night.
Last Edit: Sept 26, 2022 14:38:27 GMT -8 by ush1967
Today was a very difficult day for me. Worse than my own birthday. It is my mom's first B- day without my qualifier being with us to celebrate. We had this boring routine, but it still hurts that I have to do it alone this year. I called him, mailed him and send him a text message. I want him to know and hope he feels guilty.
I know why I' m in so much pain. Bit it doesn' t help. I don' t want this person in my life, bit I did love him. How can you love such a piece of S ?? How?
Last Edit: Oct 21, 2022 16:55:36 GMT -8 by ush1967
I have contact with his ex- wife. She s telling me to stop thinking about him. If you feel yourself thinking of him think of me she said. And it helped a bit, yesterday. I was suffering and tought of her. Today I woke up withought the hurt. This is the first time in ages that that happened. The rest of the day was great too. I am grateful.
Yes, I have a bit of hope. Another day waking up without the sharp pain of deceit and loss. I don' t know why all the detachement technics are working now. I m starting to feel free and independent again. And happy to be who I am. Why does it all work now and not before? It took years with the other man I( thoughtI) loved. I' ll try to figure this out with a psychiatrist. I do have an idea. But first let me celebrate my Freedom!!!
Last Edit: Oct 21, 2022 17:01:07 GMT -8 by ush1967
I felt so good the last couple of days. Today I feel sad again. Ithought the good feeling would keep. I made contact with the person whom introduced me in LAA and Ivshould do meetings and OR more often, but I don' t have the strenghth.
Hi Ush1967 during Recovery, especially early Recovery, it is normal to feel a mix of different emotions. Don't be afraid to feel each emotion deeply, give yourself the permission to feel every kind of emotion at a certain moment.
Your support means a lot to me. I feel so alone in this struggle. People try to support me, it s not the same as people who have the same struggles. Yes, I try to accept the feelings. And the fact that what happenen happened. It s really like waking up and discovering it' s not a nightmare, it's reality. Yesterday I had a great day. The next day I felt defeated and low again. I did make an appointment with a friend for coffee. And it helped. My big issue is cleaning my apartment. I stopped when the misery began. Now it' s gotten out of hand. Have to make a beginning.
You are not alone. I keep coming back here, because I never want to turn my life upside down the way I did almost eight years ago.
Long story short: My partner and I hit a rough spot in our relationship, and I felt rejected and afraid I was going to be abandoned. My feelings overwhelmed me. My pattern, when I’m afraid I’m going to be dumped, is to try to kindle the flames with somebody else. I actually moved out of our home for a couple of years. I had online affairs with two married men; and one IRL affair with a married man.
The cost to my peace of mind was devastating.
By some miracle, my partner and I reconciled, and I moved back in with him. I’ve been back for almost four years now. But those years being separated were horrible. We are rebuilding, but that takes time and patience—more patience than I thought I was capable of.
Sometimes I still feel impatient. I want life to be like a fairy tale; I want a fairy godmother or somebody to wave a magic wand, or make a potion to drink, that would make our relationship the same as it was the first few years we were together.
Realistically, the early intense part of a relationship does wear off; and I’ve always had trouble dealing with that. I think I’m addicted to the early romantic/sexy part of relationships. When time goes on, and the man and I have been together awhile, my inner addict thinks it’s time to find somebody else.
When I’m the one who loses the magic first, I get depressed and bored, am not nice to my partner at all, and he gets clingy. When he loses the magic first, I get frantic—and in an attempt to avoid being clingy, I start looking at other men.
This relationship must be different in some way. We’ve been together a total of 21 years. The “magic” early part of the relationship lasted an incredible seven years. So I guess I got lulled into thinking it would last forever.
So at this late time of my life (I’m 58, almost 59) I guess I’m learning how to be in a long-term relationship, and ride out the tough parts without running away with another guy.
What if….I could do Step Three BEFORE my life becomes a total disaster?
Thank you for telling your story. It' s indeed the thoughts, the brain that steers the whole feeling of being lost and alone. I' ve tried to feel and share the hurt and rage. It' s taking too long and I' m stuck. So now I' m trying to block the thouhgts and past. No ruminating, no questions. The big question is how to move on.I did not want a relationsgip with my qualifier anymore, we did not match. We hung on for too long a time. I wanted and have my freedom back. Now what do I do with my life. I can' t leave, because I need to visit my mom. So I ll have to build myself a life here in this city for now. Maybe that' s too scary to think about? What are my options? Since I suffer from depression I would like to offer support to people like myself. The other thing is my love for dogs and animals in general.
This morning I was so angry about the deceit. I can' t seem to let go completely ,yet. I walked his border collie on the beach and could not stop crying. After the walk I felt a bit better. Can' t wait for the doggy to meet his ex- wife.
Last Edit: Dec 13, 2022 23:51:50 GMT -8 by ush1967
He left his border collie behind, he abandoned her. Planned it too, ' m sure.I took care of her and his other dog( she passed away), because he said he loved them, but did not show it. It' s a long complicated story, that began back in Belgium. I asked him not to take the dogs with to Amsterdam, because I had just an apartment. And I did not want to walk a dog anymore. Long painful story....
Last Edit: Oct 21, 2022 17:05:01 GMT -8 by ush1967
Okay, there goes NC. Just called my PoA and he picked up the phone. He called me and we had a civil conversation. He' s happy with his HSlWh ( it's a nasty name I have for her). And I' m trying to move on with that info. I' ll keep writing here. Because, now I need to keep my distance and try to keep the contact civil.
Last Edit: Oct 21, 2022 17:06:55 GMT -8 by ush1967
It' s such a weird feeling to have contact with him. I' m not allowed to tell him that me and his ex wife are friends now. Which is ok with me. I will tell his sister in law tomorrow. She despices him too. See what her reaction is.I can' t sleep. It' s the 03.10 am here. But I' m not worried just confused. So grateful to have this journal.
Last Edit: Oct 22, 2022 11:06:22 GMT -8 by ush1967