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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 9, 2022 10:07:08 GMT -8
My Final Chapter
I just got a diagnosis of cervical cancer. I am going to post my journey on this thread. My cancer has already spread to the lymph nodes, so this journal will be a goodbye psalm. Susan Kathleen Peabody Susannah Gretchen Susie Attachments:
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 9, 2022 12:26:57 GMT -8
Oh, no! I will pray for you.
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Post by rebuildingtrust on Nov 9, 2022 19:11:05 GMT -8
I can’t imagine how you are feeling. This post stopped me in my tracks. Please keep us posted.
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Post by Shirley on Nov 10, 2022 11:17:47 GMT -8
Thank you for our chat this morning and I will be coming to get you back to Muir Woods- your pioneering work has saved many now alive to tell the tale, I will be here for you Susan ❤️we will make some more happy memories from Scotland 🏴to USA 🇺🇸 because you are worth it❤️
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Post by Light on Nov 10, 2022 20:03:45 GMT -8
Stay strong, Susan, I know you are, dear friend! You are in my thoughts and in my prayers ❤️
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 11, 2022 16:27:54 GMT -8
I just got my pathology report and apparently the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, which means it is in the blood stream, which means there may not be a cure. I went through this with my husband Frank so I know what might be coming. Only God knows for sure. I have a great oncologist and his assistant is very nice as well. I will get more information about my treatment plan when I see the doctor. My friend Marion is a doctor, and she says he will probably want an ultrasound and then a hysterectomy. I will not be doing chemo or radiation. The only problem I am having right now is that because of my faith I am already in acceptance mode, and my friends are still in denial and actually angry at me. I realize, of course, that this is just their way of coping with the news because they love me. I have been preparing for this my whole life since my brother died when I was 14. I was assured that he was going to a better place, and I know this is true for me as well. I believe in the afterlife, and I believe I have paid my dues in life and deserve to see Jesus Christ. In the coming days I expect to go through some human emotions, but I have a recovery program that preaches acceptance of what you cannot change and a faith that says Christ will be with me every step of the way. I have been of service to my fellow man since high school when my friends came to me for advice. In recovery, starting 40 years ago, I have learned the difference between healthy caregiving and codependent caretaking. I have written four books about this all of which have been published. A gift from God. My only regret is Pastor John in Kenya. He is in charge of my orphans in Kenya. I need someone to take my place as his counselor and supporter. God will provide. I am looking forward to writing this journal and being an example as a recovering woman steeped in love for God, or what many of my friends call their Higher Power. God has put me together, in the last few months, several people who are going to support me on this final journal in life. Thank you, John, Nora, Shirley, and Ryan. Namaste. Attachments:
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cindy
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Post by cindy on Nov 11, 2022 17:22:46 GMT -8
Sending hugs and prayers! 🙏🏽💕
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joek
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Post by joek on Nov 11, 2022 17:37:56 GMT -8
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, Susan. Many, many love addicts have benefited from this fellowship and still today are blessed by literature you have written! That is a wonderful way to have been used by Higher Power through the years, and I wish you all the possible best...Joe K.
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Post by gemini on Nov 11, 2022 19:42:57 GMT -8
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 12, 2022 9:03:33 GMT -8
My first reality check. The pain is really annoying. As it progresses, I assume it will get worse during a time when nobody wants to prescribe opiates. I will be saying this quite often right now. Thy will be done . . .
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jake
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Post by jake on Nov 12, 2022 12:02:47 GMT -8
Dear Susan, After reading your post about you cancer diagnosis, I’m moved to express my gratitude for the role you’ve played in my recovery from love addiction. About 6 years ago (I had recently ended up in the ER because of the heartbreak of a romantic relationship that ended) I was attending SLAA meetings but was not able to find the help I needed for my love addiction. I did some research and learned there was a 12 step group that focused on the “L” (love) and not primarily the “S” (sex) aspect of addicted relationships. I got your book and remember crying from recognizing all the pain I’ve endured, but also because of the kindness of feeling understood. Your loving and wise words touched my wounded and tender heart. I specifically remember you writing about how poor relationships with peers as a child often contributes to love addiction. I had never thought about how my being bullied in school had contributed to my love addiction before. I soon reached out to you in my despair and you so wisely and lovingly gave me some hope when I had none. I remember you telling me that you had a soft place in your heart for men that suffered with love addiction. ❤️ I started attending LAA meetings by phone (I don’t remember any video back then) because there were no in person LAA meetings in my area. It was this being in fellowship with kindred spirits over time, who, because of their honesty and humility about their love addiction helped me heal much of my shame and self hatred and now to where I am today - living life with self compassion (not all the time but I’m able to pick myself up when I fall down and find my way to loving myself.) I just wanted you to know how your devotion to helping love addicts like me has played a crucial part in my journey to healing and loving for which I’m deeply grateful. with love, Jake B.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 12, 2022 13:29:13 GMT -8
Susan, let me just say this:
The world is a better place because you have been in it. You have really made a positive difference in people’s lives.
We love you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2022 3:43:28 GMT -8
Dear Jesus, please heal Susan. We trust in You Lord. Amen.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 13, 2022 9:40:33 GMT -8
I am feeling "human" emotions today. I am annoyed with the pain. I am also wanting to make this all about me when I am with friends. I will try to resist this in the days to come. Others are suffering out there and also dying. I am not alone here. This is just another part of the human condition.
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Post by Shirley on Nov 13, 2022 10:25:05 GMT -8
Susan, look how far recovery has taken your self care- of course we consider others and yes we all have our own issues- how proud you should feel knowing that you need to look after Susan and your cancer IS all about Susan.
Thank you for sharing I am very Scottish and was not able to share anything until you came into my life and sensed I had lots of empathy and kindness to share- forever I love LAA and forever grateful 💚🖤❣️
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Post by Shirley on Nov 13, 2022 10:25:39 GMT -8
Susan, look how far recovery has taken your self care- of course we consider others and yes we all have our own issues- how proud you should feel knowing that you need to look after Susan and your cancer IS all about Susan.
Thank you for sharing I am very Scottish and was not able to share anything until you came into my life and sensed I had lots of empathy and kindness to share- forever I love LAA and forever grateful 💚🖤❣️
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 13, 2022 13:01:00 GMT -8
When it comes to my friends, I am separating the wheat from the chaff. Most of them have stepped up to the plate and offered to support me. Others are distancing themselves. Yesterday, I was having lunch with a friend and my doctor called. When I asked her to stop talking, she stood up and walked out of the restaurant. When I got off the phone and went out to find her she had called Uber to take me home. Three days ago, my dearest friend who is always telling me he loves me got mad at me for having cancer and hung up the phone. At first, I tried to be sympathetic, but now I don't want to be bothered. Kubler-Ross says the five stages of dying are Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Because of my faith, and the way the Lord has been so present in my life, I have skipped over all these to acceptance, except for the pain part. I want drugs LOL. But my friends are all starting from the beginning. One is in denial. One is angry. Two are bargaining, and one is depressed. These are all signs that they love me, but as a behavioral scientist this is all very fascinating. I am a student to the very end. I will have more news tomorrow after I see the oncologist, but the pathology report was pretty decisive. I can delay the process with modern medicine, but barring a metaphysical miracle, I am on my way home. Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 14, 2022 8:44:44 GMT -8
My confidence is wavering this morning. I am getting frightened about talking to the oncologist this morning.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 14, 2022 8:49:32 GMT -8
God has put a new friend in my life. He is a natural caregiver and is going to take me to my doctor's appointments. He has helped others with their final journey. We both love Christ and are in A.A. We connected and now we are bonding.
I started to get romantic feelings for him, and we talked about it. He said he was not looking for romance, but he was open to becoming best friends and to share my journey with me. What John does not understand, and mody men in general, is how romantic that is. LOL
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 14, 2022 9:29:41 GMT -8
Susan, although I live far away (east coast)—know that I’m thinking about you. When I pray, I ask God to do whatever is best for you.
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Post by ush1967 on Nov 14, 2022 10:08:00 GMT -8
Dear Susan,
Your new friend sounds like the gift you needed and deserved at this moment in life. You have something special that does not always come for people in this world. The gift of Faith. And you have been a true servant. I' m grateful for all the good work and energy you brought into my life. You are Loved. Sending good vibes and love vibes from Amsterdam
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 14, 2022 10:18:05 GMT -8
Minor Miracles
I am going to use this page to describe the minor miracles that are going on in my life. Sometimes, those are the best kind. Today's miracle is I got a call from the nurse (Erin) at the oncologist's office canceling my appointment. I was very disappointed but kept my composure. I prayed. John picked me and took me to Starbucks. Erin called and said she just has a cancelation and could I come in at 1:00 a.m. "Sure I said," I asked her a little bit about herself. She said this was a new job for her. I said, "Well you arrived just in time to share my journey." She enthusiastically said, "Great." Past Miracles
About seven years ago my landlord said I was getting a new floor and to pack up all my things and move them to another room. I began a purging of all my "stuff" and only kept the most important things. After the new floor was installed God told me not to unpack. Six months later I was evicted. The police knocked on the door and escorted me out. I was already packed. When I moved to Grace Lutheran Church my son took my things to his house and I have continued to live a simple life with only a few mementos. Three months ago, God told me to send Frank's ashes to his nephew's house in Dallas. I remember feeling such a relief that they were safely home with his family. In other words, I have been preparing for this for a while. There will be no mess to clean up when I am gone. One of my gifts to my son. I am grateful God has given me time to get organized before I let go. God's gift to me. Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 14, 2022 10:33:49 GMT -8
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 14, 2022 16:15:37 GMT -8
Update
I saw the oncologist/surgeon today. They canceled the appointment and then had a change of heart. This was a God thing. You will hear me say this often for now on. He said the cancer has spread but he has to run more tests. He did an exam and then offered me three options. Radiology, chemotherapy, and surgery. I opted for surgery after the tests. I asked about pain management and unfortunately, he does not manage my pain and I will have to find another doctor for that. I am in pain, so I insisted on something immediately. He conceded. Doctors are under pressure from the government not to prescribe narcotics even for cancer. Please pray that I find a more sympathetic doctor as I do not want to suffer when there are so many ways to avoid this. My new friend John Beavers took me to my appointment despite a swollen knee. What a wonderful gift from God he is. I am so loved and cherished by my Higher Power (Christ). May you too find the joy and peace that I have found from my faith. Namaste. Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 15, 2022 6:02:56 GMT -8
In Alcoholics Anonymous, we do what is called the 4th Step. It is a personal inventory of what we want to change about ourselves. That is followed up with a 10th Step which is a daily analysis of our mistakes followed by an apology. When I did my first 4th Step, I realized for the first time that I was not always the victim . . . that decisions I made of my own free will contributed to my problems. Ever since I have done a daily reflection on my strengths and weaknesses.
Today, I noticed that I am struggling with issues of entitlement. In other words, I think I am entitled to special treatment, or anything else I want, because of my cancer. That is not right, and I will try to monitor this. I am not the only person in my life with problems.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 15, 2022 12:10:02 GMT -8
Part of me is amused with how my friends are reacting to my dilemma. Part of me is fascinated. Part of me surprised. Part of me is amazed, and my inner teenager is angry.
Four close friends have disappeared. I feel abandoned.
Two of those who remained are ill themselves. So that leaves a couple of friends who are broke cannot help me pay for a caregiver. Oh well . . . "life goes on." Another cliche.
I have a new fondness for the expression, "I don't have time for this."
I am anxious today to schedule the tests that will determine how far the cancer has spread. It may be in the bowel. Bureaucracy is going to be the death of me. LOL
Yours truly . . . Susan, Susannah, Susie and Gretchen.
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Post by ush1967 on Nov 15, 2022 12:50:48 GMT -8
I' m reading your texts. Altough it is very difficult to think of something sensible to contribute. Strange that my feelings are so strong, we just met. And never IRL. Your support has been so important to my broken hart, my broken spirit, my broken me. And I hope you will feel my support, my shoulder is here to lean on for you. It is comforting to know God lived in your heart.That' s a blessing you earned. I do feel tears, don' t want you to feel pain or regret. I shall pray for meds coming your way. Most of all I hope you' ll feel the warm loving vibes. Soothing all that needs to be soothed.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 15, 2022 13:52:07 GMT -8
I prayed for this and it came true. Email from another teacher . . .I just read on your board that you are not feeling well and would like to say I am so sorry to hear this! You are so precious to the love addiction world. Words can't even express how grateful I am to you for you and how much I appreciate you! Is there still a way to complete your 6 weeks certification program? I am a relationship coach focusing on anxious attachments and love addiction and of course, a love addict myself (Torchbearer in recovery). I have read all your books; I would love to carry on your name and your knowledge. Thank you so much in advance and I am sending you much healing light your way. I hope to hear from you soon. I sent him the course, which I taught for 15 years at Piedmont Adult School and led to my book Addiction to Love. I just finished transcribing my class notes a few months ago. God is good . . .Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 16, 2022 8:49:29 GMT -8
It was arrogant of me to think I was above human emotions because of my spirituality. I do have some. I am afraid of the dying process--the pain. I am angry and disappointed at some of my friends, but very grateful for the ones who have stuck by me. I do have some issues with self-pity and entitlement. I do have this great urge to be selfish right now. My mentor, Robin Norwood, in her book (that changed my life forever) Women Who Love Too Much, says in recovery, "Learn to be selfish." I always translated this to "Learn when to be selfish." My fear of appearing selfish had a lot to do with my caretaking, but mostly it was a love for humanity and those who are suffering. Everyone take care. All the preliminary tests to see how far the cancer has progressed begin Friday.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 16, 2022 9:48:55 GMT -8
I have discovered the true meaning of the expression: "I don't have time for this." LOL 
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