My Final Chapter

Oh, no! I will pray for you.

Thank you for our chat this morning and I will be coming to get you back to Muir Woods- your pioneering work has saved many now alive to tell the tale, I will be here for you Susan ❤️we will make some more happy memories from Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿to USA 🇺🇸 because you are worth it❤️

I just got my pathology report and apparently the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, which means it is in the blood stream, which means there may not be a cure. I went through this with my husband Frank so I know what might be coming. Only God knows for sure.

I have a great oncologist and his assistant is very nice as well. I will get more information about my treatment plan when I see the doctor. My friend Marion is a doctor, and she says he will probably want an ultrasound and then a hysterectomy. I will not be doing chemo or radiation.

The only problem I am having right now is that because of my faith I am already in acceptance mode, and my friends are still in denial and actually angry at me. I realize, of course, that this is just their way of coping with the news because they love me.

I have been preparing for this my whole life since my brother died when I was 14. I was assured that he was going to a better place, and I know this is true for me as well.

I believe in the afterlife, and I believe I have paid my dues in life and deserve to see Jesus Christ.

In the coming days I expect to go through some human emotions, but I have a recovery program that preaches acceptance of what you cannot change and a faith that says Christ will be with me every step of the way.

I have been of service to my fellow man since high school when my friends came to me for advice. In recovery, starting 40 years ago, I have learned the difference between healthy caregiving and codependent caretaking. I have written four books about this all of which have been published. A gift from God.

My only regret is Pastor John in Kenya. He is in charge of my orphans in Kenya. I need someone to take my place as his counselor and supporter. God will provide.

I am looking forward to writing this journal and being an example as a recovering woman steeped in love for God, or what many of my friends call their Higher Power. God has put me together, in the last few months, several people who are going to support me on this final journal in life. Thank you, John, Nora, Shirley, and Ryan.

Namaste.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, Susan. Many, many love addicts have benefited from this fellowship and still today are blessed by literature you have written! That is a wonderful way to have been used by Higher Power through the years, and I wish you all the possible best...Joe K.

My first reality check. The pain is really annoying. As it progresses, I assume it will get worse during a time when nobody wants to prescribe opiates. I will be saying this quite often right now. Thy will be done . . .

Susan, let me just say this:

The world is a better place because you have been in it. You have really made a positive difference in people’s lives.

We love you.

I am feeling "human" emotions today. I am annoyed with the pain. I am also wanting to make this all about me when I am with friends. I will try to resist this in the days to come. Others are suffering out there and also dying. I am not alone here. This is just another part of the human condition.

Susan, look how far recovery has taken your self care- of course we consider others and yes we all have our own issues- how proud you should feel knowing that you need to look after Susan and your cancer IS all about Susan.

Thank you for sharing I am very Scottish and was not able to share anything until you came into my life and sensed I had lots of empathy and kindness to share- forever I love LAA and forever grateful 💚🖤❣️

My confidence is wavering this morning. I am getting frightened about talking to the oncologist this morning.

Susan, although I live far away (east coast)—know that I’m thinking about you. When I pray, I ask God to do whatever is best for you.

I am going to use this page to describe the minor miracles that are going on in my life. Sometimes, those are the best kind.

Today's miracle is I got a call from the nurse (Erin) at the oncologist's office canceling my appointment. I was very disappointed but kept my composure. I prayed. John picked me and took me to Starbucks. Erin called and said she just has a cancelation and could I come in at 1:00 a.m. "Sure I said," I asked her a little bit about herself. She said this was a new job for her. I said, "Well you arrived just in time to share my journey." She enthusiastically said, "Great."

About seven years ago my landlord said I was getting a new floor and to pack up all my things and move them to another room. I began a purging of all my "stuff" and only kept the most important things. After the new floor was installed God told me not to unpack. Six months later I was evicted. The police knocked on the door and escorted me out. I was already packed.

When I moved to Grace Lutheran Church my son took my things to his house and I have continued to live a simple life with only a few mementos. Three months ago, God told me to send Frank's ashes to his nephew's house in Dallas. I remember feeling such a relief that they were safely home with his family. In other words, I have been preparing for this for a while. There will be no mess to clean up when I am gone. One of my gifts to my son. I am grateful God has given me time to get organized before I let go. God's gift to me.

I saw the oncologist/surgeon today. They canceled the appointment and then had a change of heart. This was a God thing. You will hear me say this often for now on. He said the cancer has spread but he has to run more tests. He did an exam and then offered me three options. Radiology, chemotherapy, and surgery. I opted for surgery after the tests. I asked about pain management and unfortunately, he does not manage my pain and I will have to find another doctor for that. I am in pain, so I insisted on something immediately. He conceded. Doctors are under pressure from the government not to prescribe narcotics even for cancer. Please pray that I find a more sympathetic doctor as I do not want to suffer when there are so many ways to avoid this.

My new friend John Beavers took me to my appointment despite a swollen knee. What a wonderful gift from God he is. I am so loved and cherished by my Higher Power (Christ). May you too find the joy and peace that I have found from my faith. Namaste.

Part of me is amused with how my friends are reacting to my dilemma. Part of me is fascinated. Part of me surprised. Part of me is amazed, and my inner teenager is angry.

Four close friends have disappeared. I feel abandoned.

Two of those who remained are ill themselves. So that leaves a couple of friends who are broke cannot help me pay for a caregiver. Oh well . . . "life goes on." Another cliche.

I have a new fondness for the expression, "I don't have time for this."

I am anxious today to schedule the tests that will determine how far the cancer has spread. It may be in the bowel. Bureaucracy is going to be the death of me. LOL

Yours truly . . . Susan, Susannah, Susie and Gretchen.

I prayed for this and it came true. Email from another teacher . . .

I just read on your board that you are not feeling well and would like to say I am so sorry to hear this! You are so precious to the love addiction world. Words can't even express how grateful I am to you for you and how much I appreciate you!

Is there still a way to complete your 6 weeks certification program? I am a relationship coach focusing on anxious attachments and love addiction and of course, a love addict myself (Torchbearer in recovery). I have read all your books; I would love to carry on your name and your knowledge.

Thank you so much in advance and I am sending you much healing light your way. I hope to hear from you soon.

I sent him the course, which I taught for 15 years at Piedmont Adult School and led to my book Addiction to Love. I just finished transcribing my class notes a few months ago. God is good . . .