My Final Chapter

Yes, journalling helps. Friends help. And life happening helps. It' s such a rollercoaster ride.
Reading your journal and keep sending good vibes. The pain would scare me too. Let' s see if life will step in and help.

My father told me that the Boy Scout motto was, "be prepared." I think I would have been a good Boy Scout. It gives me peace of mind to be prepared. I always liked preparing for a date more than going on a date. Go figure.

In 2015, I had a dream in which Christ came to me and said, "Susan, I am real. I am the only son of God. I came from God to give the world a message. (It was the message to love God and one another.) I died on the cross for your sins. I was resurrected. Then I returned to my father where I wait for you. I love you, Susan." I woke up.

The next day, I got the urge to clean up my apartment and throw out the stuff that I did not need. I did this for two weeks. Four drawers in the file cabinet became one. Two months later I was told by my landlord that I was getting a new floor, so I packed up everything that I still had left and put it in clear, plastic bins instead of boxes.

After they put in the new floor, something told me to keep everything in the bins. I did. Six months later I got evicted and everything was ready for storage.

From storage, everything went to my son's house. I asked him to take it to the Goodwill rather than throw it away.

My son then got evicted so now the bins are going to my friend John, who likes to collect things from the Goodwill.

Twenty years ago, a friend of mine had to clear out her mother's house after she died. I could see how hard it was on her so I vowed I would never do that to my son Karl. As far as "stuff is" I am ready to go.

I have also been prepared in other ways. I got the urge to write my memoirs. I published them, with the help of my friend Shirley in Scottland, three months ago.

Two months ago, some people in LAA ousted me. I was upset, but now I know LAA is in good hands.

Yesterday. a man asked me if he could buy all my class notes from when I taught my course Addiction to Love. He wanted to carry on my work. I took a deep breath and then had a good cry. He gave me a donation. That morning, I had prayed for some money to go out and have some fun while I can. God is really good to me. He will be good to you if you open your heart to the benevolence that is waiting for you. Just be open-minded and talk to him/her. Ask for faith and it will be given to you along with a new life in the "sunlight of the Spirit."

Last month, I came upon the movie, "I Can Only Imagine." Here are the lyrics.

"Being prepared is important not just for physically challenging events or for Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts; Jesus says being prepared is also very important for living the Christian life while we wait for Christ’s return. As he often does, Jesus teaches about the importance of being prepared in a parable, in this case in Matthew 25:1-13."

Susan, this (Being Prepared) is another piece I’ve saved to my collection of recovery resources.

Thank you.

Hello Susan!

I have only known of you for a very short time, but in that time I know that you have a very beautiful kind spirit.  I am saddened to hear the news about your cancer, but Susan I know that it's not over until HE says it's over and that will not be until your work down here is done. I believe that even after that, you have touched so many angels that your work here in this forum will be carried on. I'm saddened because in the very short time I have known about you, I have gotten some very helpful knowledge about Love Addiction and I just want to continue hearing your messages.Susan my prayers are with you!!!

Decisions . . .

I am ready to go, but my friends and family are not. Part of me takes this as a compliment and the other part of me wants support for me making up my own mind.

I have done research and treating this kind of cancer requires chemotherapy and radiation in conjunction with surgery. I told the doctor I only wanted surgery and now my son is upset. He asked me to please treat the cancer any way I can. So, now I am praying about it and will make a decision when I am ready.

As I already said, these are the stages of dying.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I have skipped over denial for sure and also bargaining, because I have never lusted after life the way others do, especially my son. I have not been angry about getting cancer, but I am angry at a lot of my friends right now for their lack of support. I suspect this will pass, as I am usually a forgiving person, since I want to be forgiven in return when I do wrong.

I do have good news. God has sent me a new boyfriend, even though he doesn't know it yet. His name is John. There are other saints named John. LOL I am going slow, as he needs training. So far, we are kindred spirits. We both have a passion for Christ and service and A.A. We have both suffered and found love from the Holy Spirit. As a couple, we are "equally yoked." He is going to help me with my medical issues while I help him with his. We are celebrating the holidays together. He says he is not romantic, but he is. Some men just confuse romance with passion and don't understand it is a deep tenderness for another human being. I have had this twice before in my life. At the age of 56, with my friend Sandra, and with my common-law husband Frank. Sandra committed suicide due to chronic pain, and Frank died three years ago from prostate cancer. I cared for him at home until the end. They are both is heaven now and I was looking forward to seeing them until my new friend John came along. Now, I don't know what I want. I will be praying about this and looking for signs.

I will be back to post updates. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Love and grace.

At the request of my beloved son Karl, I have decided to have chemotherapy. I am ready to go to the afterlife, but he is not, and I owe him for loving me despite my alcoholism and love addiction. I will keep you posted.

As I mentioned earlier, Kubler-Ross says the stages of dying are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ACCEPTANCE. As a writer, I always have something to say. I want to add to this list fear and a little self-pity--all temporary. I am in depression right now and need people to come get me out the room I live in. If you live in the Bay Area, and are available, let me know. susanpeabody@gmail.com. I am learning that the difference between what you want, and what you need, is what God sends you. So, my apologies to all my friends with whom I got mad at last month.

Thank you Jesus.

My current stage is depression. Right now, nothing lifts my spirits. I am tired of my migraines. I am afraid of the dying process. I feel guilty for wanting to go home. I hope this mood swing will soon be over soon. I need a Brighter Tomorrow.

Who scammed who?

I got an email the other day that said Amazon had taken $400 out of my bank account. It said "Call this number if you want a refund." I called the number and the man said to get a refund he needed to take over my computer. Unfortunately, I agreed and the next day he took $100 out of my account. I called the number and had the following conversation.

I said, "Hello honey, what is your name?" He said "Robert." I said, "Robert, you just took $100 out of my account, and I want to talk to you about it. I know this is a scam." He said, "No it is not." I said, "Robert, I need my money back and I need you to get out of my computer." He was silent. I went on to say, "The money you took was meant for my orphans in Kenya. I explained that they had AIDS and were hungry and it is all your fault. What do you have to say for yourself." He said, "I am sorry. I will put the money back and release your computer." I said, "Thanks Robert." Then . . . I could not resist a lecture, so I told him to get into another line of business." He said he does this to feed his own children. I explained that this was no excuse. He agreed and we said goodbye. He agreed to pray for me and I for him. All is well that ends well.

Well . . . the final chapter is apparently not the final chapter. That is yet to be written . . .

I had my final diagnostic test this morning, and I have good news and bad news . . .

The bad news, for me, is that I am not going home to see Jesus yet. The good news is that once I have chemotherapy and radiation, I will be in remission.

My friends and family are very happy. I am reluctantly happy because of John. John is my new friend who took me to the procedure. The nurse asked me if John was my boyfriend. I said, "yes, but he doesn't know it yet." She laughed and wrote down boyfriend.

I did have to struggle to pay the surgery fee, but I did have it in the bank thanks to my Higher Power. Now the surgeon who was going to do the hysterectomy is referring me to an oncologist who specializes in chemotherapy. I am meeting a lot of wonderful nurses and friends. My adopted grandson, Ryan, is going to be a nurse so I am giving him hints about what patients really need. Finally, my tattoo of a cross on my wrist was a great hit. All the Christian nurses came out of hiding and I was able to talk to them about Christ. So, all in all, it was a great day. Nakupenda