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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 16, 2022 9:56:19 GMT -8
Food has always been my best friend and worst enemy. As a child, sugar provided serotonin which offset my depression. It made me feel good, but it also made me overweight. I have gone up and down all my life. Now, as long as I have an appetite, I can eat what I want. There is always a bright side to everything if you look for it.
Writing makes me feel good. Writing this journal is helping me a lot. I will try to be honest without getting maudlin.
Take care . . .
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Post by ush1967 on Nov 16, 2022 12:46:10 GMT -8
Food has always been my best friend and worst enemy. As a child, sugar provided serotonin which offset my depression. It made me feel good, but it also made me overweight. I have gone up and down all my life. Now, as long as I have an appetite, I can eat what I want. There is always a bright side to everything if you look for it. Writing makes me feel good. Writing this journal is helping me a lot. I will try to be honest without getting maudlin. Take care . . . Yes, journalling helps. Friends help. And life happening helps. It' s such a rollercoaster ride. Reading your journal and keep sending good vibes. The pain would scare me too. Let' s see if life will step in and help.
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petra
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Post by petra on Nov 16, 2022 13:23:03 GMT -8
Sorry for my inability to be emphatetic. I’m sorry. When I read your email, somehow I didn’t get that it was real and that this is happening now, in november 2022! I’m new to LAA, I go to meetings, but before that I read posts at the board here, on this page, which helped me so much, saved me everytime I needed support shortly after my NC started. It was so amazingly helpful! I know that this site is all thanks to you. I can’t believe that this is happening. That a famous Sue Peabody is going through this! I’m in denial as some of your friends, I guess. I will try to keep you on my mind. I’m brutally honest with you, cos you are brutally honest with us and I think you deserve no less. This is what I’ve learnt in 12-step program, to show my true self. I’m sorry for not being supportive or loving enough, but I believe my prayer will be heard even if I’m like this. (My feeling are blocked or something). Sorry, that’s the best I can give. Hear from you and might write more, and maybe more lovingly.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 16, 2022 16:04:02 GMT -8
Be Prepared
My father told me that the Boy Scout motto was, "be prepared." I think I would have been a good Boy Scout. It gives me peace of mind to be prepared. I always liked preparing for a date more than going on a date. Go figure. In 2015, I had a dream in which Christ came to me and said, "Susan, I am real. I am the only son of God. I came from God to give the world a message. (It was the message to love God and one another.) I died on the cross for your sins. I was resurrected. Then I returned to my father where I wait for you. I love you, Susan." I woke up. The next day, I got the urge to clean up my apartment and throw out the stuff that I did not need. I did this for two weeks. Four drawers in the file cabinet became one. Two months later I was told by my landlord that I was getting a new floor, so I packed up everything that I still had left and put it in clear, plastic bins instead of boxes. After they put in the new floor, something told me to keep everything in the bins. I did. Six months later I got evicted and everything was ready for storage. From storage, everything went to my son's house. I asked him to take it to the Goodwill rather than throw it away. My son then got evicted so now the bins are going to my friend John, who likes to collect things from the Goodwill. Twenty years ago, a friend of mine had to clear out her mother's house after she died. I could see how hard it was on her so I vowed I would never do that to my son Karl. As far as "stuff is" I am ready to go. I have also been prepared in other ways. I got the urge to write my memoirs. I published them, with the help of my friend Shirley in Scottland, three months ago. Two months ago, some people in LAA ousted me. I was upset, but now I know LAA is in good hands. Yesterday. a man asked me if he could buy all my class notes from when I taught my course Addiction to Love. He wanted to carry on my work. I took a deep breath and then had a good cry. He gave me a donation. That morning, I had prayed for some money to go out and have some fun while I can. God is really good to me. He will be good to you if you open your heart to the benevolence that is waiting for you. Just be open-minded and talk to him/her. Ask for faith and it will be given to you along with a new life in the "sunlight of the Spirit." Last month, I came upon the movie, "I Can Only Imagine." Here are the lyrics. I can only imagine What it will be like When I walk By Your side I can only imagine What my eyes will see When Your face Is before me I can only imagine, yeah Surrounded by Your glory What will my heart feel Will I dance for You, Jesus Or in awe of You be still Will I stand in Your presence Or to my knees will I fall Will I sing hallelujah Will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine I can only imagine I can only imagine When that day comes And I find myself Standing in the Son I can only imagine When all I will do Is forever Forever worship You I can only imagine, yeah I can only imagine Surrounded by Your glory What will my heart feel Will I dance for You, Jesus Or in awe of You be still Will I stand in Your presence Or to my knees will I fall Will I sing hallelujah Will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine, yeah I can only imagine Surrounded by Your glory What will my heart feel Will I dance for You, Jesus Or in awe of You be still Will I stand in Your presence Or to my knees will I fall Will I sing hallelujah Will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine, yeah I can only imagine I can only imagine, yeah I can only imagine I can only imagine I can only imagine When all I will do Is forever Forever worship You I can only imagine
"Being prepared is important not just for physically challenging events or for Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts; Jesus says being prepared is also very important for living the Christian life while we wait for Christ’s return. As he often does, Jesus teaches about the importance of being prepared in a parable, in this case in Matthew 25:1-13." Attachments:
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petra
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Post by petra on Nov 17, 2022 1:01:37 GMT -8
Thank you so much Sue for “Being prepared” sharing. I gain every time I read from you. Sending love and peace. 🧚♂️🌸❤️
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 17, 2022 12:16:30 GMT -8
Susan, this (Being Prepared) is another piece I’ve saved to my collection of recovery resources.
Thank you.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 17, 2022 13:06:08 GMT -8
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Post by justintime2luvme on Nov 17, 2022 13:30:05 GMT -8
Hello Susan!
I have only known of you for a very short time, but in that time I know that you have a very beautiful kind spirit. I am saddened to hear the news about your cancer, but Susan I know that it's not over until HE says it's over and that will not be until your work down here is done. I believe that even after that, you have touched so many angels that your work here in this forum will be carried on. I'm saddened because in the very short time I have known about you, I have gotten some very helpful knowledge about Love Addiction and I just want to continue hearing your messages.Susan my prayers are with you!!!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 18, 2022 12:54:56 GMT -8
A Better Place
Years ago, I had a dream in which I was talking to God. He announced that he wanted me to go down to earth to take care of some business for him. "What business?" I asked. "I can only tell you this much. I am placing you with an unhappy family and from the lessons you learn you are going to make the world a better place." The rest will be revealed to you as you go along, and you will forget we ever had this conversation. I burst out in tears and bowed my head. Finally, I said, "Ok Father, as long as it is just for a little while." Then Jesus appeared to say hello and I smiled. He said, "I love you, Susie." Then I woke up. I will be here until I have fulfilled my mission. I have tried . . . Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 22, 2022 12:47:54 GMT -8
Decisions . . . I am ready to go, but my friends and family are not. Part of me takes this as a compliment and the other part of me wants support for me making up my own mind. I have done research and treating this kind of cancer requires chemotherapy and radiation in conjunction with surgery. I told the doctor I only wanted surgery and now my son is upset. He asked me to please treat the cancer any way I can. So, now I am praying about it and will make a decision when I am ready. As I already said, these are the stages of dying. Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance I have skipped over denial for sure and also bargaining, because I have never lusted after life the way others do, especially my son. I have not been angry about getting cancer, but I am angry at a lot of my friends right now for their lack of support. I suspect this will pass, as I am usually a forgiving person, since I want to be forgiven in return when I do wrong. I do have good news. God has sent me a new boyfriend, even though he doesn't know it yet. His name is John. There are other saints named John. LOL I am going slow, as he needs training. So far, we are kindred spirits. We both have a passion for Christ and service and A.A. We have both suffered and found love from the Holy Spirit. As a couple, we are "equally yoked." He is going to help me with my medical issues while I help him with his. We are celebrating the holidays together. He says he is not romantic, but he is. Some men just confuse romance with passion and don't understand it is a deep tenderness for another human being. I have had this twice before in my life. At the age of 56, with my friend Sandra, and with my common-law husband Frank. Sandra committed suicide due to chronic pain, and Frank died three years ago from prostate cancer. I cared for him at home until the end. They are both is heaven now and I was looking forward to seeing them until my new friend John came along. Now, I don't know what I want. I will be praying about this and looking for signs. I will be back to post updates. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Attachments:
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2022 1:33:19 GMT -8
Happy Thanksgiving 
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 24, 2022 8:06:21 GMT -8
Love and grace.
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meta
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Post by meta on Nov 25, 2022 16:55:15 GMT -8
Dear Susan,
After reading your post about your cancer diagnosis, I’m moved to express my gratitude for the role you’ve played in my recovery from love addiction. About 6 years ago (I had recently ended up in the ER because of the heartbreak of a romantic relationship that ended) I was attending SLAA meetings but was not able to find the help I needed for my love addiction. I did some research and learned there was a 12-step group that focused on the “L” (love) and not primarily the “S” (sex) aspect of addicted relationships.
I got your book and remember crying as your words touched my wounded and tender heart. I specifically remember you writing about poor relationships with peers as a child and how it affects love addiction. I had never thought about how my being bullied in school had contributed to my love addiction. I soon reached out to you in my despair, and you so wisely and lovingly gave me some hope when I had none. I remember you telling me that you had a soft place in your heart for men that suffered with love addiction. I started attending LAA meetings by phone (I don’t remember any video back then) because there were no in person LAA meetings in my area. It was this being in fellowship with kindred spirits over time, who, because of their honesty and humility about their love addiction helped me heal much of my shame and self-hatred and now to where I am today -- living life with self-compassion (not all the time but I’m able to pick myself up when I fall down and find my way to loving myself). I just wanted you to know that your devotion to helping love addicts like me has played a crucial part in my journey to healing and loving for which I’m deeply grateful.
Love, Jake B.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 27, 2022 12:57:47 GMT -8
At the request of my beloved son Karl, I have decided to have chemotherapy. I am ready to go to the afterlife, but he is not, and I owe him for loving me despite my alcoholism and love addiction. I will keep you posted. As I mentioned earlier, Kubler-Ross says the stages of dying are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ACCEPTANCE. As a writer, I always have something to say. I want to add to this list fear and a little self-pity--all temporary. I am in depression right now and need people to come get me out the room I live in. If you live in the Bay Area, and are available, let me know. susanpeabody@gmail.com. I am learning that the difference between what you want, and what you need, is what God sends you. So, my apologies to all my friends with whom I got mad at last month. 
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 27, 2022 13:04:01 GMT -8
Religion
I have been getting a taste of different religions since I was ten. My mother sent me to whatever church would pick us up in a bus. When we moved to Pinole, I was a Methodist. I left at 12 because I would not accept the fact that only through Christ could you go to heaven. Then years of agnosticism. Then, in sobriety, more searching to find, "where they talk about God every week," (a message from Spirit). Ended up with Quakers who believe God/Christ talks to you directly, but don't do communion. Left to get baptized at my daughter's church, the Seventh Day Adventists where we do foot washing and worship on the original Sabbath. Left to be on my own with God and Spirit in medication and service/charity. Found Christ in a dream in 2015. Interesting path I must say. Now, it seems that I am to end up, after all this, a Catholic. The disciples' religion. John B's religion. By the way, I just found out I am a quarter Jewish. I like this because Christ was Jewish. God and the Holy Spirit are non-denominational. Finally, I found another home this morning attending mass with John and taking communion. Now, I have to avoid getting drunk on communion wine. Take care everyone. Susannah (my Christian name). — feeling blessed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2022 17:15:16 GMT -8
Thank you Jesus.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Nov 27, 2022 19:50:15 GMT -8
Susan said:
“At the request of my beloved son Karl, I have decided to have chemotherapy.”
Thank God. You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that!
My own mother died of cancer a little over five years ago. She ultimately did die—but not until she had tried chemo first. We had her for a while longer, and we all cherished that time.
Chemo can be horrible. But so is having cancer. And so is losing somebody you love to this disease.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 1, 2022 12:27:32 GMT -8
My current stage is depression. Right now, nothing lifts my spirits. I am tired of my migraines. I am afraid of the dying process. I feel guilty for wanting to go home. I hope this mood swing will soon be over soon. I need a Brighter Tomorrow.  Attachments:
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Dec 2, 2022 11:24:25 GMT -8
Susan, this is one of the most intense and important things ever to happen to you. I imagine you will go through some emotions that cannot be understood by anybody who hasn’t been there themselves.
I know I can’t do anything to change your situation or even your mood. But know that I am thinking of you (and so are other people.)
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 3, 2022 16:28:24 GMT -8
God Story Who scammed who? I got an email the other day that said Amazon had taken $400 out of my bank account. It said "Call this number if you want a refund." I called the number and the man said to get a refund he needed to take over my computer. Unfortunately, I agreed and the next day he took $100 out of my account. I called the number and had the following conversation. I said, "Hello honey, what is your name?" He said "Robert." I said, "Robert, you just took $100 out of my account, and I want to talk to you about it. I know this is a scam." He said, "No it is not." I said, "Robert, I need my money back and I need you to get out of my computer." He was silent. I went on to say, "The money you took was meant for my orphans in Kenya. I explained that they had AIDS and were hungry and it is all your fault. What do you have to say for yourself." He said, "I am sorry. I will put the money back and release your computer." I said, "Thanks Robert." Then . . . I could not resist a lecture, so I told him to get into another line of business." He said he does this to feed his own children. I explained that this was no excuse. He agreed and we said goodbye. He agreed to pray for me and I for him. All is well that ends well.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 3, 2022 16:52:07 GMT -8
A month ago, I was not only willing to die, and go to Heaven, I was looking forward to it. Then my friends and my son said, "Please take the chemotherapy and live longer." "Why should I?" I asked. Then I said, "I am ready to go." Then my son dropped the bomb. "Mom, what does God want you to do? Maybe he has more work today." Karl knows that obedience to God is one of my covenants with my Higher Power. So, I prayed for a sign.
The next day, I put out an email asking for people to get me out of the house. A woman named Mary Ann emailed me. She said, "Susan I just moved down the street and I am available to get you out of the house and run you on some errands as I know you no longer have a car. (It got totaled the day my husband Frank died, and I used the insurance money to bury him.)
The next day, Mary Ann picked me up and took me to Starbucks, the grocery store and then to a restaurant. We had a great time.
At the restaurant, Mary Ann said, "Do you remember me?." "No, I said." She said, "Ten years ago I was in trouble you and I asked for your help. You helped me tremendously." She went on to say, "I am now a therapist and was wondering if I could help you." I said, "What kind of therapist are you?" She said, "I specialize in trauma therapy for people with PTSD." My eyes opened wide, and I said, "I have been praying for the money to go see a professional trauma therapist." She said, "Well, I will help you free." I started crying and bowed my heard.
God does not always give you want you want, but he always gives you what you need. This experience was my sign from God that he wanted me to live a little longer. So, I called my son and told him I would do chemo if he would do something for me. He agreed that if I took chemo, he would stop smoking cigarettes. So here we go . . . one day at a time.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2022 1:18:23 GMT -8
My current stage is depression. Right now, nothing lifts my spirits. I am tired of my migraines. I am afraid of the dying process. I feel guilty for wanting to go home. I hope this mood swing will soon be over soon. I need a Brighter Tomorrow.  Dear Jesus, please heal Susan and help her with her pain and mood. Please Lord, she is hurting and feeling down. Please remind her always of the gospel, that you died for our sins, were buried and rose again on the 3rd day. Please help Susan to call upon your name to be saved and be forgiven. Lord, I know she might already did that but I wanted to pray for her again and again. Please help her family and friends near her. In Jesus' name. I pray. Amen.
We love you dear sister. We will all meet in heaven soon.
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Dec 4, 2022 14:00:59 GMT -8
Susan said:
“I got an email the other day that said Amazon had taken $400 out of my bank account. It said ‘Call this number if you want a refund.’”
If something like this ever happens to you, the best thing to do is to call your bank (at the number that’s officially listed, that you normally use to call your bank) and ask them to verify it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 5, 2022 15:11:44 GMT -8
Well . . . the final chapter is apparently not the final chapter. That is yet to be written . . . I had my final diagnostic test this morning, and I have good news and bad news . . . The bad news, for me, is that I am not going home to see Jesus yet. The good news is that once I have chemotherapy and radiation, I will be in remission. My friends and family are very happy. I am reluctantly happy because of John. John is my new friend who took me to the procedure. The nurse asked me if John was my boyfriend. I said, "yes, but he doesn't know it yet." She laughed and wrote down boyfriend. I did have to struggle to pay the surgery fee, but I did have it in the bank thanks to my Higher Power. Now the surgeon who was going to do the hysterectomy is referring me to an oncologist who specializes in chemotherapy. I am meeting a lot of wonderful nurses and friends. My adopted grandson, Ryan, is going to be a nurse so I am giving him hints about what patients really need. Finally, my tattoo of a cross on my wrist was a great hit. All the Christian nurses came out of hiding and I was able to talk to them about Christ. So, all in all, it was a great day. Nakupenda Attachments:
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Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 5, 2022 15:39:00 GMT -8
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your prayers have been answered. I am uplifted and saved . . . Susannah
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