|
Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 3, 2007 11:32:11 GMT -8
Triangles
Susan Peabody
Psychologically, triangles are very complicated. Most people don’t seek them out—at least not consciously. They just seem to happen. One moment you are happily single. The next thing you know you are in love with someone who is married. Or you are happily married and suddenly you realize your partner is seeing someone else. Sane people get out of a triangles as soon as they realize they are in one. Love addicts stay engaged hoping things will resolve themselves in time. This is because love addicts can’t let go. They have no tolerance for separation anxiety. Once they have bonded with someone, letting go is like death to them. Some love addicts in a triangle will die trying to get to a resolution. They kill themselves or they kill someone in the triangle. The media is full of Crimes of the Heart. One of the reasons love addicts have a high tolerance for the pain of a triangle is because when they were children the natural triangle between the mother, father and child, went horribly wrong. Usually the child was rejected by one of the parents and incested by the other—not necessarily sexual incest but certainly covert or emotional incest. The rejection/incest magnifies the triangle. The Oedipus experience, in which the child adores one parent and is in competition with the other, is not outgrown with little impact on the child’s future. Instead it becomes rooted in the child’s psyche and wounds him or her. All this means that the triangle is familiar and in some respects comfortable. This, in turn, means that the person involved has a high tolerance for the pain and suffering of the triangle once they get involved in one. Furthermore some love addicts unconsciously try to resolve the wound of their childhood by recreating the triangle of their childhood—over and over again. They are obsessed with the idea that things will end differently each time. Unfortunately, this is not how you heal the wounds of childhood. You don’t go back to the scene of the crime and commit the crime all over again. You go back to the scene of the crime in therapy with an enlightened witness to guide you. You go back to grieve, forgive, let go and move on. There are also those who accept the down side of the triangle for the ecstasy that often goes with it. Triangles can be like roller coasters. When one person in the triangle is, momentarily, the front runner he or she is as high as a kite. But everyone pays such a high price for the thrill of being chosen at any given moment—the winner of the competition. This, too, is often tied in with the early Oedipus experience in which the child is trying to get the parent she adores to choose her over the other parent. The most important thing to know about triangles is that they are unhealthy, painful, and potentially dangerous. Dr. Phil says this over and over again and I concur. We are meant to be monogamous for more reasons than I can recount here. Only hedonists and sex addicts really defend the agony and ecstasy of the triangle. I also agree with Dr. Phil when he says there are rarely three willing partners in a ménagé a trois. Someone is usually unhappy even if they don’t admit it. So if you ever find yourself in a triangle get out. Walk away. Cut your losses. Even if you are married with kids, walk away until your partner gets into recovery and gives up his, or her, penchant for multiple partners.
|
|
rowan
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 101
|
Post by rowan on Feb 23, 2008 16:38:30 GMT -8
Hello!
I am a newcomer.
I have just gone online at home and found this site. I am so pleased to be able to communicate with people who understand.
I have chosen this thread as I have been in a triangle for nearly a year.
I laughed out loud reading the case study - not because I am mocking the people involved, but because I identified so much with their behaviours. Sometimes laughter is a release for all the pain.
I am now attempting to do recovery - one day at a time - but I am hoping all the time he will call me - every time I get a text or the phone rings I am hoping it will be him. I know that this situation is not good for me, but have felt powerless to stop my behaviour. I feel 'in love' with the man in question (M), as I have a lot of respect for him and he is working on his own recovery to the best of his ability. Trouble is, he is married and although they have never lived together, he says he feels guilty when he tries to end their relationship. He also says at times that he loves her, (D), but he says that he knows that the relationship with her will never be what he wants. I met him a few years ago when I was in a treatment centre for codependency. I was unhappy in my marriage - I married a 'nice' man at the age of 42 - I thought I had left all my unhealthy relationships behind, but I think I chose him for security and to help me by being a good father for my teenage son. M was a counsellor at the centre and when I left, a couple of years ago, counselled my husband (we were separated then and are now about to be divorced).
M was separated from his wife last year when he contacted me (no contact for several months), and was also talking of divorce. I had always had a lot of respect for what he had to say, and agreed to meet for coffee. We went on a few walks and went out to eat a few times over a couple of months, and I thought that this was a very healthy start for me (I usually rush in and get sexual too quickly and become emotionally dependent almost straight away). However I was in denial about him counselling my husband (J) - not so healthy! Our sexual relationship started when M came to tell me he couldn't see me! When he had asked his boss if he could transfer his client, J, to another counsellor, his boss said no, because J was in crisis at that time. We both decided we couldn't continue to see each other, but at that time we both were powerfully hooked on each other, and so couldn't stop. We even had a secret holiday for a week, and I was feeling that M was the love of my life - we shared so many interests and spiritual beliefs, and could talk on a deep level about our feelings, and sexually it is/was the most exciting relationship I have ever had. He gave me the key to his flat and we met up every other day and spoke or texted daily on the phone. I trusted him 100%. But one evening after a text that day calling me 'Darling', he told me he needed to give it another try with D. He had said that he needed to talk to her about divorce, and had gone to see her. This was only about 3 months into the relationship with me.
I was completely devastated and went to see him in floods of tears etc. but somehow found 'strength' in letting him do what he needed to do, telling him I'd be there if he changed his mind. The next few months then became a see-saw, as he couldn't quite let go of me (and I encouraged that), but he also couldn't leave D. I kept hoping he'd choose me, and finally he did - saying he wanted to end it with D and start again with me. That lasted a week, and that was 2 weeks ago. He has since said he needs time alone and that he would appreciate it if I would respect that by not contacting him.
This is a slightly shortened version of events, but I am writing it to remind myself of how unhealthy our behaviour has been, with the hope that I will be able to let go, even if he contacts me again in the near future.
I have done a lot of reading - 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood, 'Facing Love Addiction' by Pia Mellody and many books on co-dependency. I finally have come to understand that I am co-dependent and a love addict (I am trying to absorb all the new information on the various distinctions mentioned on your site that I haven't come across before). I started attending Coda again when M left me last summer, having previously tried it when I was in treatment, and finally found a women's only SLAA meeting through someone in Coda recommending it. For the first time I felt I was really in the right place, but the meeting is a 2 hour drive away and I have ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (stress-induced illness). My nearest Coda meeting is M's meeting, and I have been advised to pace myself and rest by my ME programme. I have been held together over the last couple of years by my wonderful counsellor, but she doesn't accept that I am an addict and although has helped boost my self-esteem by loving me unconditionally and been the person I have been closest to in my whole life, I am not addressing my destructive behaviour with her, at least I have not been able to stop. I believe that the 12-steps are the way to recovery for me, I am just looking for extra support and encouragement along the way. I am not feeling a total wreck because it is not completely over, even though I understand that M is probably unable to have a healthy relationship with me. I keep thinking that we can work on our recoveries individually, then get back together, but I am denying the presence of D.
I don't know what you will all make of this, but I think that there is no doubt that I belong! (And I've left out all my previous history which includes a long, chaotic, on-off relationship with another married man who was addicted to me and abusive as well). The thing is, my family dysfunction was subtle - there is no obvious substance abuse (although my father drinks daily the amounts are small and he is rarely obviously drunk, but it does make him bad-tempered at times). My sister has a stable home and marriage, and I don't have any other addictions, though this on its own has brought me to my knees. I have been very co-dependent with my son, too, who for years was depressed and abusive towards me. He is now independent at 20, but I have a lot of guilt over how my behaviour over the years has affected him. I hope that my recovery will bring us closer emotionally over time.
Thanks for hearing my story.
R
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 23, 2008 16:55:27 GMT -8
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you realize that your long-term recovery goal is no contact. But in the short run do the best you can. Now is the time to educate yourself, reach out, and surrender this man to the universe. He is not yours and it is best to let go gracefully. This will build up your self-esteem. You are not alone. I just lost my partner. I am really depressed, but I am not fighting the inevitable. I have turned my life and will over to the care of God (3rd step) and this is his/her decision. Acceptance is the key to everything and acceptance is easier with a humble heart. This is why 12-Step programs are spiritual in nature. Welcome!!! Keep posting.
|
|
rowan
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 101
|
Post by rowan on Feb 23, 2008 17:13:15 GMT -8
Thanks for your welcome! I feel so alone sometimes, and although I have some good recovering friends here, I cannot ring them in the middle of the night (it is 1.05 am in the UK). It was helpful to hear your comments on surrendering M to the Universe, and that where things are now is God's decision. I will do a lot more reading of all the posts here, and am ordering some more books to help me. I also need to pray/meditate to really connect to God. This is a brilliant site, and I look forward to becoming a part of it. Is it too late for me to join in with step 1? I currently do not have a sponsor to help me work the steps. R
|
|
|
Post by amiramaile on Feb 23, 2008 18:59:38 GMT -8
No it's not too late to join the steps. Start with step 1 , question 1. Rainbows is our step sponsor and we are all at different stages in our step work. You are certainly not alone. I can identify with almost all of your emotions as I am trying to let go of this guy I am involved with also. Keep posting and reading. You will find your way, even though its painful at first.
|
|
rowan
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 101
|
Post by rowan on Feb 23, 2008 19:14:18 GMT -8
Hi amiramaile! It's nice to know you can identify with my emotions - there is such comfort and healing in hearing that. Letting go is the hardest thing! I have just been reading other threads about soulmates and feel that M was sent to teach me about love. He is so understanding and caring, but not aware enough to address his love addiction yet, or maybe that is what he is doing now! (I know I need to stop wondering what he is doing, and focus on myself...)It's just that he has 7 years sobriety in another fellowship, and 3 and a 1/2 years worth of counselling experience and is trying his best to do the right thing. It's so much easier to sort out other people's lives, isn't it?! R
|
|
|
Post by amiramaile on Feb 23, 2008 20:45:07 GMT -8
Yes, letting go an acceptance are the hardest things. I'm still struggling too. Of course you are not alone. Please reach out and ask for help, if you need anything specific. I would suggest reading as much as you can on this board and the books that are recommended. I do believe people are sent into our lives for a reason, to teach us something or make us experience something that we learn from later. Too often we don't get it at first, because we are caught up in the pain and cannot see. It helps to bless the person as you are trying to move on with your life and release them in the care of a Higher Power. One day maybe all of it will make sense, but it may not be for a while. Until then we need to trust that the pain is teaching us something valuable and know that others out there feel the same, so we are not alone.
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Mar 2, 2008 4:20:38 GMT -8
yes exceptance and letting go and then moveing on i found very very hard indeed my partner also had ME so she was very stressed all through the relationship.....she was a S/W full of fear of commitment and full of fear of immotional and sexual intimacy being a 35yr old virgin with a very low sex drive.
Not sure if she ever got over any of the above but she did say she felt comfortable with me with the sex we had but after 2 yrs i found it very hurtfle and distressing to be told by her that she did not fancy me but she had tried.
Lets just be friends she said ??
This was all very confusing to me at the time ??...
After all the happiness she told me i gave her and she loved being with me.... I felt so used at the end and only just after 5 months getting to understand and except her hurtfle rejection at the end i always thought her excuse was that i was married but hey its a lot more complicated with someone with ME and being a S/W.....
But im getting there and i also see very much how much pain i had being a love addict and being in a triangle with a S/W with ME ..
I never want to have as much pain again in my life.....thank god for this site and all the help in understanding it all.......I have learn so much about myself in this period !!!
And enjoy helping others who are struggling knowing exactly how they are feeling !!!
jonny xxx
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on May 10, 2008 15:05:08 GMT -8
As you know, I counsel people in triangles. 80% of them involve one person still loving someone they loved in high school. This person is either their high school sweetheart or someone they had a crush on. We are so vulnerable in adolescence. This is when our Imago (the fantasy of our soul mate) is taking shape. When you move from fantasies to contacting this person it can only be down hill.
|
|
|
Post by frost on May 18, 2008 19:51:01 GMT -8
I knew from reading stuff on love addicts that a hallmark characteristic of LAs is to setup triangles. In fact when I first met this woman I helped her shut down one leg of a triangle with a sex addict / relationship addict. She is married to a narcissist co-addicted avoidant. It wasn't until I came to this site and read about triangles that I realized that I had become a part of one. I helped her end a very unhealthy relationship and sort of was getting the feeling that she might be using me to help get over that other man. I think she was actually looking for assurances back then, we did some flirting, it was electric for me but I was sane enough to limit it... it took the form of a hypothetical question "If I were single would you go out with me ? " sort of thing... A part of me knew that answering a question like that would be a not-so-veiled way of basically telling her that I found her attractive, but another part of my mind thought it was harmless... just giving her a compliment and nothing would come of it. Being dual natured and split brained is part of being addicted, I don't Know if it runs across all addictions, but for me I know that I am often working against myself. So it seemed to me that once she got some sort of assurance that a relationship was possible... we in essence created a quadrangle until she shut down one leg of the quadrangle by ending that relationship. Soooooo.... she replaced her relationship with a narcissistic sex & relationship addict active in his addiction with a recovering narcissistic sex addict. That is a step up ;D But I also realize that its back to a triangle
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on May 18, 2008 20:14:08 GMT -8
Frost, the most important point is that you get out of the triangle. Exit stage left as they say . . .
|
|
|
Post by frost on May 18, 2008 21:06:17 GMT -8
I think I see that the relationship has 2 components...
The component where give each other mutual support and encouragement, which I think can be very non-romantic - I don't know. I think I am coming to realize that men and women view this differently, or maybe it is one of those 5 Love Languages things... maybe me being supportive of her is creating closeness between us, I guess it is, I guess its natural?
The other component is the romantic one and I can shut that down, it means no talking about attraction or feelings for one another, and for me it means not doing anything that I think would tug on her heart strings. I haven't been so innocent, I occasionally tell her that I care for her deeply - I know I have to stop that.
One of the things that I am finding out about myself is that usually I can't fit my actions into either / or categories. For instance, when I tell he that I care for her, it is true and its mainly just an expression of what's in my heart, but I am not sure that its totally non-manipulative because a lot of the time when I say "I am attracted to you" my addict mind may really be screaming "I NEED YOU TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME !!" I'm not sure all the time exactly why I do what I do, I concede that a part of my motivation when I say things is that I get a little high off being able to tell someone that I care about them, and I REALLY REALLY get high when she says something like that back to me.
I guess this is a long winded way of saying there is no way I can end the relationship.
I can't
But hopefully I can comport my self in a way that is proper, treat her like a friend.
I don't know
If I knew I wouldn't be here.
My SA sponsor told me to run the other way as fast as I can. I am a little worried he would quit sponsoring me, but he hasn't (yet). Not to get into my SA stuff - and I won't on this board, but isolation and loneliness, and negative emotions in general are hard for me to endure without medicating. In a lot of ways this relationship has helped me. I am not so panicky, I think feeling cared about and cared for has helped my sobriety in a lot of ways, I am not experiencing some negative emotions, she has helped my self esteem so much... My AO behaviors where very shameful, as I started to get recovery I realized a big problem with my ex wife... she never knew me. I could never feel loved because she didn't know me, the real me, all of me. I present just an aspect to her, hiding all of the crazy compulsive sexual stuff. And as a result, I never felt loved. I thought that if my wife really knew everything I was doing she wouldn't love me - she would leave me. I don't actually think that was the case, There was a time when I could have disclosed to my wife and while she would have been shocked and devastated, she probably would have stuck with me through recovery. But after years of heaping psychological abuse on her in the form of gaslighiting, projecting, and blame shifting, as well as my extreme selfishness, negativity, impatience, anger and resentment - I killed any affection she had for me. I made her life hell and she wanted out.
Like a lot of addicts everything seems to hit us at the same time - exposure or disclosure divorce and recovery, I am thankful I didn't lose my job at the same time, that happens to a lot of addicts oo... but anyway after the divorce I realized that what I longed for was intimacy. I wasn't ever going to lie to anyone again about anything. Dishonesty kills intimacy. i want to be loved and I can't feel like someone loves me when I am not presenting "me" to them. I realize that if I sell someone a bill of goods they fall in love with the bill of goods not me. The problem is though that I really had this pervasive notion that if I was honest about my history, no woman would want to be with me.
Her husband is an SA, and at first she did not understand her husband at all, and thats really how out relationship got started, me just answering questions about addiction. She didn't even think her husband was an alcoholic even though he was going through 2 cases of beer a week and drank himself to sleep at least 5 nights a week and had driven drunk numerous occasions including driving his kids while drunk. I guess we could argue if he is AA but I am convinced he is an alcoholic.
Anyway, I was honest about my history because she asked me how I knew so much - the things I said seemed spot on, and in a lot of cases I was even able to predict his behavior. Its not difficult actually - I knew what I would have done.
Anyway I really had this pervasive notion that if I was honest about my history, no woman would want to be with me. When she hinted that I had a wonderful personality - it was a jolt to my system, it was electric. She is a beautiful attractive woman and it was very very powerful - it was an invalidation of the negative fears that I had about my past and my future. It totally turned everything upside down for me.
When you feel that you are worthless and hopeless and destined to be alone and an attractive person comes along and tells you that you are attractive and they care for you - its just so so powerful its like getting hit by that really big wave at the beach - its too massive - too much water moving too fast and it takes the sand out from under your feet anyway, I couldn't stand against it.
I can't.
|
|
|
Post by winnie on May 19, 2008 6:28:09 GMT -8
hi frost , firstly I just want to say that from the sound of it it seems you have made great steps with your life trying to solve your addictions. im truly inspired and has really made me think. your story really struck me as i too have been in a triangle on and off for four years. It has been some of the very best moments of my life and also nearly killed me. There is a very particular kind of pain that comes from a triangle , its the kind they sing about in loves songs, it feels so good and so bad all at once. It is truly addictive. The agony increases as you go along , like all addictions you need it in the end just to stay sane. ironic. You say that you 'cant' leave this, you cant and I hear the panic in your words. so Im not going to say that to you. BUT I think when you say that you have to medicate to deal with negative emotions i think you know already that you are using this women to maybe medicate yourself with? what do you think? it just sounds so similar to myself I feel able to relay questions to you that I put to myself and had put to me. I think that your fondness for her and attraction are clearly very genuine and real. Its how your playing them out that is maybe destructive? People free of addiction would run a mile from a triangle or any relationship with corners, but through lack of self esteem etc lack of boundaries we go charging in high on the drama. you say that she invalidates all the negative emotion! and i think this is the key to it all , the sheer fact that you need someone to validate you. Part of an addiction like this is the need for VALIDATION from others that we are ok. I guess recovery is about having the abiltiy to VALIDATE your self , to know from INSIDE you that you are ok , you are perfect just as you are. i dont think you should do anything with regards to theis women , but do something for you, start thinking about why you NEED someone else to tell you what you CAN tell yourself. Your are in a negative cycle with this women as good as it feels. Maybe dont cut her out of your life but stop letting het occupy your mind and start thinking about YOU which I think is the the thing your really avoiding. I know thats what i did I used the relationship to hide the pain of other things. I think seeing as you have come so far you will def be ok . I hope what I have said sits ok with you, take care winnie
|
|
|
Post by beehappy on May 19, 2008 10:57:45 GMT -8
Frost, Winnie makes some very good points. I understand how hard it is to leave a triangle. It requires that one faces some reality that at times is hard to deal with. You were so down on yourself that you convinced yourself of a story. On the inside there was a little voice that fought that story and she validated that little voice. Over time that little voice got stronger and helped you rise up. Here's the secret....are you ready? The voice is yours. Maybe she helped a little. But the actions you took afterwards to make that voice stronger were all yours. Go back to your step work. You worked your recovery from SA. You made strides there. Celebrate that and use it to guide you here. Are you making her your HP?
My most recent POA helped me get out of a destructive triangle that nearly cost me my life. It however landed me in another triangle which again, nearly cost me my life. It was a behavior I was accustomed to. I am working on changing me. I have had people say that they see the change.
It has been hard to pull away in part because I am so greatful that I got away from FD. That thinking spurs all kinds of other distorted thinking that is just not good. I've tried changing the relationship. I made some strides there but it would be a lie to say that I can handle it. I am an addict. So the best thing for me and my recovery and growth is to focus on me and have very little if any contact with him. I have to let him go and accept that his part in my story is over. Reality can be a B*tch. But fighting it is being mauled by satan's hell hound. Through my growth I am finding that things I attributed to him were actually things I did. Could this be true for you?
Go back to the steps Frost.
Serenity and Peace to you, Beehappy
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on May 19, 2008 17:50:49 GMT -8
This is a board for people in recovery. You have not even tried to set a recovery goal. We understand falling short, but you sound like you just want to stay in and defend an unhealthy relationship and we are not here for that. Could you at least tell us your goal is to get out.
|
|
|
Post by frost on May 21, 2008 18:43:34 GMT -8
Thanks Winnie,
Thanks for responding. It is took me some time to think about the questions you posed.
I am not using her. I have thought about it, yes I get a feeling of elation being with her, so yes it is a high. I think you are right - people free of addition would run a mile from any relationship with corners. I do have poor self esteem. I don’t think I am using her to medicate my feelings either – I have been learning to experience negative emotions, I have been getting progressively better at it. Yes she does give me a lot of validation, and a sense of connection and I think that sense of connection helps me but its not medicating. I sort of think that I wouldn’t medicate my feelings in this way… I don’t think I can medicate my feelings at all actually – when I get out of touch with my feelings I am doomed, I don’t medicate just a little bit.
I do care for her. She has so many good qualities, she really is a good person. I want the best for her. And for the first time in my life I have been completely honest about my past, honest about who I am and what I struggle with. I realize I have to keep my emotions in check, I have to keep my thoughts in check.
|
|
|
Post by frost on May 21, 2008 19:08:19 GMT -8
Thanks BeeHappy
I know that I am not making her my higher power – I know what that’s like – I did that with my ex-wife, worshipped her but at the same time resented her because she was a defective God, the truth is she was just human. I expected her to fill my neediness but I was a bottomless pit of neediness, no human being could possibly give me the attention, affection and adoration that I demanded. I know that God knows me and loves me, but I can’t expect people to have godlike love for me and godlike patience with me. My ex wife wasn’t God, she was human and I grew to hate her for it.
I think I am scared because I long to talk with her so much that sometimes I do things that aren’t good for me – like take time off of work to talk with her, and also stay up late chatting with her.
I think my goals are going to be very small right now… I know what things are inappropriate for me to say – expressions of affection, talking about “us” in any way – even hypothetically in the future. And I am going to cut back on the phone conversation during work. I work flexible hours, sometimes I work crazy hours, but I can make up the time, if I just talk to her for a short time on occasion, but we have been having 2 and 3 hour conversations sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. I can’t make that time up to my employer and its bugging me. I recognize that there is an element of powerlessness here.
I’m also doing a lot of thinking… I am kind of sad today about this today.
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on May 30, 2008 20:24:28 GMT -8
|
|
|
Post by brokenchinadoll on Jun 1, 2008 18:47:12 GMT -8
I am in a love triangle. When I met my EX he was single. He told me his ex left him and was out of the picture. He told me all the pain he went through when she left him. We started seeing each other and suddenly one day she came back. For over a year it has been back and forth between the two of us. It's this vicious cycle constantly repeating itself over and over. I can usually count how many days before he wants to come back to me. I tried to get out so many times and I just couldn't leave. He keeps telling me how he loves us both. She gives him the party and fun side to life and I give him the love and security side to life. He is a Narcissist without a doubt and their relationship is self destructive to begin with. Everytime something happens and she's about to throw him in jail for something or when the alcohol gets to be too much he calls me for the love and secutiry. I'm there with him and for him for a few days and then it's almost like he gets bored with me and goes back to her. She has made numerous threats to me telling me she is going to slice my throat if she ever sees me anywhere. She made it quite clear she is never going to let him go. In my opinion, though I could be definately wrong, I think he is a Narcissistic and a Sex addict with me and a Narcissistic, Sex and Love addict with her. Is this possible? Anyway, I have days where I struggle, but I don't text or call him. Then he calls me and wants to know if I gave up on him and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do and how to stop picking up that phone call. If I'm not here for him I'm afraid something terrible will happen to him. But if I continue to pick up the phone I may end up as a true story on Lifetime, killed by the ? whatever she is at the time. Please help!
|
|
|
Post by winnie on Jun 3, 2008 11:36:55 GMT -8
I feel for you , I know triangles are painful and addictive , the best and worst times... your right at the beginning , but you've seen the truth which is that this is painful and destructive for you. You deserve so much better. you have handed him all your power . try if you can to begin to take it back and begin to commit to recovering. think about you, what you need . you are the only 'you' you have , you deserve all the best things in life , not this god awful painful situation. its wrong, begin to really and truly break away if you can . stop speculating about him and what he wants, start thinking about the person your neglecting , you winnie
|
|
|
Post by trianglegirl on Aug 4, 2008 19:42:07 GMT -8
What if I have fallen in love with a married man but know that it can't really go anywhere and that he will be relocating within the year. Is it so wrong to want to be with him now?
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 5, 2008 17:43:26 GMT -8
I hate the word "wrong," but yes it is. It is a symptom of love addiction to want someone so much you ignore the fact that he has someone else and that person is getting hurt. Triangles are full of women who have low self-esteem (I cannot do any better), selfishness (I will take someone else's man), and a deep-seated fear of loneliness (this is better than nothing.) Recovery is getting out of the triangle. But we are an understanding bunch here. Welcome.
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 5, 2008 17:45:37 GMT -8
Do we have any two men and one woman triangles on this board? Ahhhhh . . . I forgot about you Frost. How are you?
|
|
|
Post by trianglegirl on Aug 5, 2008 20:04:59 GMT -8
Thank you for your honesty. The truth hurts but they say it also sets you free. I'm out. I'm alone. Now to work on the self esteem and selfishness.
|
|
|
Post by beehappy on Aug 17, 2008 17:51:49 GMT -8
Do we have any two men and one woman triangles on this board?
I am an ambivalent love addict. I have created 2 trianlges with 3 separate men. I have moved out on my own as a part of my recovery. I am learning to set boundaries and focusing on creating friendships versus romantic relationships. So far I have done okay. Being on my own I don't have to explain my actions to anyone. I don't have the guilt feelings of betraying someone else.
|
|
|
Post by amaralita on Sept 9, 2008 18:20:50 GMT -8
I have a question.... could a love triangle include a person who is "with" someone in the flesh, but holds onto some fantasy of the "ideal" partner? Just asking because I am now NC for 16 days with this guy that I had a long-term "struggle" with (I won't call it a relationship) and something that he would often say was that "I just don't want to marry anyone here in the USA, I am sure that my wife is waiting for me in Mexico" (he's mexican, planning to go back there within the next couple of years). He also at one point said "I just want someone to love me the way that my mom and sister do." Just curious about this. My whole story is in the introduction page under "HOw to begin" -- - if you read it, you will see that clearly there was another triangle at work in the struggle (with his brother), but am specifically asking about the power of thoughts to keep us in triangles in this post. Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 10, 2008 13:58:32 GMT -8
|
|
|
Post by camisheart1st on May 1, 2009 22:01:50 GMT -8
Hi. I am new to this site because I hit rock bottom when I started teaching and fell in love with the dean. He was living with his pregnant girlfriend at the time and made me no promises to her or me. Will we be together? "You never know," was always his reply. We were really attracted to each other.
Handsome, charming, interesting, business owner, mysterious. It was redd hott sex all over the school, anywhere. (Early before or after the students...never during) my classroom, the janitor's closet. What I thought was sexy. What he thought was a happy escape from home. I was falling in love. He was seeking release. I had to beg him to see me outside of the school and it took him a while to oblige. But it wasn't worth mentioning. In recovering, I have learned that the type of love addict he is is a seductive with holder. Boy did he with hold!
We'd have a quickie meal or a movie where he was ALWAYS on the move in fast forward. No time for me but the bare minimum. Most of the time he wouldn't even answer my calls. But because we worked together and saw each other daily, I was falling madly, hard and deep into an abyss of 'love-like' insanity never equating that he wasn't there just to see me, but there because he worked there just like I did. How did it begin? He came into my classroom and told me to close the door. . .
I played the role. I spent thousands of dollars on clothes, purses and shoes just to keep him intrigued. And I did. Colorful, sweet smelling, sexy. Hair, nails, lights, camera, action. I kept him mesmerized. We did so to each other. Two attractive, sexy people. He was envied by the men for landing me...and I was envied by the women for landing him.
The perfect combination for my addiction to power. For being baad enought to "land" the top dog.
When he finally left the woman at home, I thought I would get my fair share of quality time. Didn't happen. He was still on the move. Too busy.
I know that he was too busy because he didn't like the fact that I was taking too long to find "her."
I didn't want to find her and every time it came close because I met someone who was willing to follow us into polygamy, I would shut it down. I didn't want to share him. I even asked him to give me some time with him, since he was living with his girlfriend and I didn't get my fair share of him; just to make up for lost time and he would not oblige. All I asked him was to "give me you before adding someone else." and he could not do it.
So, I couldn't do it. He left me because I stood up for myself. This was when I knew i had to do something for myself to help myself. If he was a one woman man that I had just driven away with neediness, then
I would be ready to kill myself. But the fact that he was able to have me change who I was for something that I knew in my gut I would never be able to give him was my awakening. I don't even morn the loss of this pseudo relationship. I see now that this had to be because it was the thing that would open my eyes.
He is just a symptom of being molested at 14 by the church organist.
Me? I still thought it was love...at first sight no less. This madness would carry on for three years and wouldn't end for three years before he broke up with me on the answering machine.
The only way from the bottom is up. I can't breathe. My head hurts. I have to change me. I have been recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and I can't do stress. My life depends on changing me.
|
|
|
Post by desperateforpeace on Jul 7, 2009 13:46:31 GMT -8
I have gone 4 wks of NC with XMM.Yesterday I called him.I just wanted to hear his voice.It was a polite conversation,we got caught up on what's been happening in each others lives.
I told him I missed him sometimes..he said the same back.That was the extent of any love talk.
If I were being honest I would have said I am dying inside without him.I cannot stand this pain.I am overcome with grief,sadness.Everyday is a struggle to get through.I have moments when I just want to give up.
I am going to counselling, reading, CODA, SLAA.Trying to give things over to a HP, trying to let go..I can't.Why?I so desperately want to be healthy and happy.I can't let go of him..I don't understand.How can I still love him so much? Why can't I just walk away and never look back?
I am so tired.Mentally exhausted.This EMR has affected all aspects of my life for the bad.I did this to myself...I take full responsibility. I completely isolated myself.Now there are times when thats all I want to do,I don't want to talk or be around anyone.I know this is a recovery no no..but no one understands,and I can't hide how I feel in front of other people very well.
Can someone please help me.Please tell me how to let go.Please tell me how to move on.Please tell me how to make this pain stop...
|
|
|
Post by Judy on Jul 8, 2009 6:15:10 GMT -8
Hi desperateforpeace. I am feeling the same as you right now. Just desperate for peace. But not knowing exactly how to achieve it.
So I am trying to trust that with prayer, this site, other 12 step meetings and TIME it will come.
I, too, have isolated simply because the pain feels so great sometimes that I just need to be by myself and feel safe. Also, as you wrote, when I am feeling this confused and hopeless it is difficult to have convrsations with people and NOT bring it up.
I go out anyway. And it seems, once I am out and with other people it is not as difficult as I would have thought. In fact it is healthy. It is recovery. I don't have to put on a show or pretend everything is cheery cheery. But I can be one among many. I can ask others how THEY are doing and I can listen.
It helps to alleviate my own obsession.
I have to believe that if we keep doing what we are doing the pain WILL stop. The proof is in the millions of addicts who are in recovery today because of the promises of the 12 steps.
Life will never be stress free, I think, but we do not have to suffer at the hands of these addictions.
Keep posting. And I will, too. We are all rooting for each other.
|
|