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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 10:51:27 GMT -8
What's done is done. I can't undo what has already been done. I have fallen for a man that is unavailable to me as a mate. But we are also very close friends and I don't know how to deal with that. You are telling me that my only solution is to terminate the friendship. But I can't do that.
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Post by James C T on Oct 26, 2014 12:48:06 GMT -8
What would this support look like to you?
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 26, 2014 12:54:14 GMT -8
Please re-read my post. I was speaking from -- and sharing -- my experience. I did not face reality. I did not face truth. It is my experience, and it was not my intention to project my experience on to anyone else.
Wishing you well,
HaveFaith
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 13:09:23 GMT -8
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 14:08:14 GMT -8
Do you think you could have a friendship with him that is appropriate by your standards? How would you describe a healthy relationship with a married or otherwise unavailable man?
I have several good male friends who are married/unavailable so I understand that this is possible and worthwhile. I also have a clear understanding of what's appropriate behavior within our friendships and would be able to acknowledge when/if it ever crossed a line for me.
I think that's a good starting place...what kind of friendship would you want with this guy and is it possible to get there from where you are? How do you envision this relationship progressing? Is he capable of being a platonic friend (which to me means he doesn't do or say things with you that he wouldn't do or say in front of his wife) or do you see him as a romantic interest, emotional support and intimate confidant (an affair)?
Where do you hope to see this go?
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 14:33:36 GMT -8
It's very hard for me to imagine having a completely platonic friendship with him after letting it get this far and developing these feelings that I have for him. We have discussed how things would be if he werent married...we would pursue a romantic relationship because we both could see it working for us. But the fact that he is in this marriage that he cannot get out of voids that idea completely. So for now we have to try to maintain a "friends only" platonic relationship. What complicates it is the fact that we have already crossed those boundaries by turning it into an affair, or an inappropriate relationship...sleeping with each other and sharing things with each other that he cant share with his wife. I know this is wrong and I am in no way trying to make excuses or validate what we have done. But I also cannot control my feelings for him and it's tearing me up inside.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 26, 2014 18:45:21 GMT -8
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 26, 2014 20:57:21 GMT -8
You said you don't want to be told to do "No Contact" and/or drop this man and so on and so forth.
I need not defend anything here. You are free to say anything you want. But again, there is boundary here that must be observed: Triangle is not acceptable in recovery. And call it what it is but that is the standard we implement here. Take it or leave it. Our priority is recovery and helping people who admit their addiction and are willing to work the solutions toward their recovery. That's it.
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 27, 2014 2:37:07 GMT -8
It was VERY difficult to admit my Love Addiction and the dangerous behaviors it was driving me to. Even though I had friends, folks here on this forum, and a therapist telling me to self-reflect and look carefully at my self-destructive ways, I dismissed them. I thought 'they don't know what I am going through! If they only knew...' . Well, they did know. Deep, deep down, I knew what I needed to do, and, quite frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But, by God's grace, I did surround myself with healthy people who were there to support my recovery, and I am grateful I found the humility to finally listen and accept their support.
mlchris, it is nobody's intention to judge and ridicule others here. We all take a different journey towards recovery, but one has to stop 'using' first before one can get started. And yes, that is the hard part. Ask any alcoholic, heroin abuser, gambler, or love addict. Putting down the substance we are craving and obsessed with is tough, but it is the only thing that will get any addict started on the path of recovery.
HaveFaith
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Post by mlchris on Oct 27, 2014 2:52:01 GMT -8
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2014 4:41:34 GMT -8
Good luck, mlchris! I'm very loyal and value my friendships tremendously too. I don't want to change that about myself either. One reason is because my family sucked so much when I was a kid, getting love and support anywhere else was very important to me. Thing is, I have to take care of my health and wellbeing first, or I end up with nothing to offer anyway. You mentioned earlier how the situation has you torn up and physically ill. I've been there. For me, when I'm in a "triggering" relationship, I become pretty insane, anorexic and can become "zombie like". My mind slips because I'm obsessing over him, his unavailability, his issues and ignoring my own care. My career may suffer, I can't sleep well, I get sick more or end up hospitalized for dehydration, lack of nutrition or other ignored health problems. That's just me so that's where my perspective comes from with triangles. I see them as deadly (for me), but if you're able to navigate this with sound mind and body, in a more balanced way, you're different than me so just ignore. I've had to think long and hard about how I define friendship and how to exist around people who bring unhealthy situations into my life. My most recent boyfriend had a couple of female friends who he spoke of as needing him and he felt he was the only one who understood them and could help them. Reading your posts here, he could have almost written all that himself with the characters changed. The story is very similar. He thought I was heartless for implying that these friendships may be unhealthy and inappropriate. I simply knew that I could not be with someone who triangulates and that was exactly what he was doing to draw his worth from these women's neediness. I have also been the loyal one being there for the unavailable man who could connect to no one except me (except he really couldn't fully connect to me either because of this marriage thing that he was stuck in). I gave 1000% (because I'm so loyal) and he gave whatever sstuffs were left over. Existing in these triangles will repel everything healthy from my life. It leaves me with no chance of attracting anyone who can offer me the relationship I want and deserve. I don't think any friend would want to keep you in a harmful (or deadly) situation just so he can get emotional support he's not getting within the marriage he chose for himself. A friend would want to see you doing the best for yourself, even if that requires not being with him. Adults take care of their own marriages, or seek out appropriate resources (counseling, attorneys, etc). I have to agree with codepnomore. And I don't think anyone has ridiculed you or been unwelcoming. I'm seeing compassion and concern. You can get support for staying in an affair from unhealthy people who aren't in recovery. I have a few friends I know I can call if I want to get support for staying in toxic relationships. My own grandma thought I was too rash for leaving my ex husband who cheated on me. When I was seeing a separated, yet not quite divorced man (married) after my divorce, I had a friend tell me he just needed a little push from me to convince him to leave his wife for good. I've had friends tell me all sorts of ways to manipulate men to get what I want. I keep in mind that those are the people I turn to for advice and commiseration when I want to stay sick. But when I want to improve myself and move towards healthier relationships and a better me, I turn to my healthy friends who have some recovery under their belts, or ones who naturally live healthy, balanced lives in relationships I'd like to model for myself, or I post my situation here knowing the advice will be superior. Being a friend is great, as long as it's an appropriate friendship that doesn't have the potential to hurt you and others. This one seems loaded with the potential to hurt everyone involved. I think it's already hurting you. Best of luck. I hope you find the answers you need.
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Post by mlchris on Oct 27, 2014 5:30:11 GMT -8
Thank you. Once again, I will not compromise the most valuable friendship I have ever had for the sake of a "healthy recovery." Sorry, no way, will not do it. There has to be a more human-like solution to this besides "dropping this guy," which is what you are all telling me I have to do. I have a heart. So I guess I am just doomed, if you cannot help me I will just look elsewhere.
From Staff: Our prayers go with you.
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Post by cataddict on Oct 27, 2014 5:30:46 GMT -8
I hope he is as good a friend to you as you are to him. I hope as a friend he can stop telling you how it would be if he wasn't with his wife, when he cannot leave his wife, this seems unnecessarily cruel, to talk about a future that can never be. I hope as friends you can both stop crossing boundaries that hurt both of you.
Would he be interested, as a friend, in discussing the boundaries you need to continue this friendship that you very much want to continue? Can you tell him what you need him to do for you, as a friend, to be able to continue this friendship? Could a short break, where you both try and calm down these feelings you have that are just not possible in the situation you are both in, help?
Are you getting more good from bad from this situation? It sounds like you have both made each others' situations a lot harder, which is unfortunate, as friends you need to try and make life better for each other.
I hope you find a solution that fits you, obviously no-one wants you to take one that would make you unhappy in the long run. Everything they are saying is them trying to help you, even if you can't see it, even if you don't feel it is what you need, I hope you know that. I hope you know that everyone here just wants the best for you.
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Post by Havefaith on Oct 27, 2014 17:50:58 GMT -8
"...if you cannot help me, I will just look elsewhere."
I do hope you find the help you are seeking. May your search be successful and, ultimately, lead you to a "solution that fits you" as cataddict says.
Blessings,
HaveFaith
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Post by CodepNomore on Oct 27, 2014 18:57:15 GMT -8
In case you find an effective long-term solution (bringing real change, healing, and recovery) that does not require separation from that married man and/or to do "No Contact". Then please let us know about it. That's all. Thank you.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 28, 2014 15:30:54 GMT -8
From Susan . . . I am locking this thread. If you have any questions, please send me a personal message. This is a recovery board and it only supports monogamy. There are other sites that would be a comfort to you. Here is the link to one. Good luck. gloryb.com/
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