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Post by sheilao911 on Jul 12, 2009 0:23:29 GMT -8
Hi all. I am relatively new here and was minimally involved in a triangle that I just ended tonight...for good.
Was with my ex bf for 10 years (and I'm only 24). Ex bf is a Narcissist. I dumped him almost 2 years ago. Of course, as soon as I dumped him, he got a new gf because Ns can't be alone. Since then, he has continually popped in, "confessed" his feelings for me but then refused to leave her. We have hooked up maybe 3 or 4 times in 2 years. I was usually "tricked" by him telling me he was leaving her or something and then of course he wouldnt, or he would but only temporarily. xN thinks he is entitled to have me for run and his gf for the perks (he uses her for her money, pain pills, and she basically is his slave and an N's dream).
I am so sick of it. I admit, in the beginning, I was an active particpant, often begging him to leave her. Eventually got tired and was willing to let him go and be with her. I have continously asked him to leave me alone and live his life with her. He says he will, he wishes me the best, then will start calling within 2 or 3 weeks. I can't take it anymore - I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
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Post by Rilly on Oct 24, 2009 11:50:35 GMT -8
Hello Phoenix,
Welcome to this site. I read every word you wrote. First of all, I don't know if I could have stayed in a marriage with a spouse that was attracted to the same sex. And I assume you are doing it because of the kids. Still, that would be very difficult. I do need to give you credit for that.
You have been living a lie for quite some time now. It is sad how easy it gets for us to lie. Thinking about telling the truth and being totally honest is a frightening thought. Love addiction can make us do some very degrading and desperate things. I know. I've been in those cars, in the shadows. I've lived the double life for years and years. I know all about the delusional thinking that makes you believe that not telling the truth is the best for everyone.
I was just wondering. How much does your 'husband' know about your affair? How much does your POA's wife know about your affair? Openness, honest and truth is the best path to recovery. Every lie you tell keeps one more door open to this disease.
One of my POA's (over ten years ago) became very good friends with my wife. They even went places together, confided with each other. But in reality it was an awful lie. It was cruel. When my wife found out about the affair, she hated that woman. And always will. But confession was an essential part of my recovery. Every lie is like another bottle of booze hidden some place for that alcoholic.
You cannot be friends with your POA's wife. It is a constant betrayal. Especially when you know what he is doing behind her back. As love addicts we tend to become desensitized to guilt. The longer we do it, the less we have a conscience.
Please continue posting. You are in the right place. When you are ready, we can help down the road to recovery. I must tell you now that when the fog lifts, you will be shocked beyond belief when you realize what you have been doing, and that so much of what you thought was real was just a fantasy. And it really wasn't wonderful after all.
Rilly
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Post by lotus on Oct 24, 2009 18:38:52 GMT -8
In my SLAA group they always say "you are only as sick as your secrets". I am a believer of that. I don't believe that people who have betrayed their spouses can recover unless they open and honest with them about exactly what did an did not happen.
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Post by november on Oct 31, 2009 14:42:37 GMT -8
I so glad this site is here. I have searched searched trying to find answers to what I just experienced and I found it here. I will try to brief with my story but I married someone in July of this year after a very brief courtship, we had known each other from school and crossed paths again years later. He came on really strong, expressed that he was calling off an engagement with someone that it had been over for several months, he just had been in a rut and had not done it. i didn't like the idea of beginning a relationship when someone had been engaged etc., but he made it sound so definite. well we marry, we get our house, he is moving his stuff in and things he had in her house etc., a week later he calls me, I am at our house and he is at work, he says i filed an annulment, i was shocked. I did not know things like triangles happened or like what you all are talking about and what I just experienced. I immediately packed my things up and took him the house key and moved home, it was a hysterical crying scene for both of us and left me bewildered, why are you crying don't leave and you are filing an anuulment. come to find out he had been sleeping with her the whole time, she had not known he had gotten married nor did she know really that it was over for them, and it wasn't he tried to continue to see me and her and i gave up. it was to painful for me to be the sunday through thursday and he be with her on his days off. he chose her for public things, he chose her to do things with, all he wanted me for it seemed was sex. i felt extremely betrayed. i call it emotional rape. it has been the worse experience i have ever been through. the other woman involved knew of me, knew we were married and did not bat an eyelash , but she had known him longer and i guess this wasn't anything she couldn't except. she was ok with him seeing me and her. i could not do that. he called this past monday expressed his undying love for me then turned around and ignored my calls two days later because he was with her i assume. he had never done that. but i am not in the town where they are and i don't try and see him and i will not have sex with him haven't in some time, but i did realize what was going on till now. now i see, i thought he was this crazy sex addict and was in denial. i gave up either way. i am going into no contact which is hard. i do have at times a tough time because it was so painful to be treated this way. this was a bad go around. i sent him a email in regards to triangle just so he knows i know, which why that matters to me i don't know, just angry me off so bad that someone uses someone to this extinct. so selfish, anyway, i am not wanting to talk to him, see him or anything. i mean it hurts and i wish he had not done all this, but it is so bad there is no way i could truly love this man. it would have to be a sick love, not a healthy love to continue. anyway thanks for listening.
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 10, 2010 19:25:18 GMT -8
From the Administrator. . . Guests cannot post. Their posts will be deleted. We must be able to contact you if you post and we cannot contact guests. Come out of hiding Richard. People do care about you.
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Post by greeneyes on Jan 13, 2010 14:38:06 GMT -8
Hi,
It's definitely over. I had a slip after a panic attack and texted her a few times...she asked me to call her...and we had a healthy conversation...she wants to work on her marriage and supports me in my recovery...neither of us are blaming each other...and she wants No Contact for 1-2 Years...makes sense to me...it just hurts so bad.
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Post by lotus on Jan 22, 2010 8:02:01 GMT -8
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-lessons/201001/fidelityI love this blog post about infidelity: "There have been a number of articles on non-monogamy, and not just about Tiger Woods. He was the headline, but there were a number of page two stories-and if you picked up a celebrity magazine, you'd think there was no one on earth who had sex only with their spouse. It's not true- at least not true for marriage. Some research says there is a fifty percent infidelity record among dating couples, but marriage still means something different to most people. Infidelity in marriage is nowhere near the reported fifty percent in dating couples, and while studies vary, the indicators tend to hover around twenty to 25 percent lifetime non-monogamy- AND about ten percent in a given year. But all these statistics miss what I think is an important point: that even if the world or one's spouse never knew- infidelity has its own profound costs to the individual and to their perception of the relationship. First of all, keeping a secret of that magnitude is difficult. Tiger would have had to be balancing multiple realities at once- and while that may have seemed like fun some of the time, it must have kept him awake and anxiety ridden about how he could keep his different women happy, quiet and loyal. Assuming he loved his wife, and he must have at least loved their life together as a family- he would have worried what would happen if this all blew up in his face. And finally, when he was in bed with her- or with one of these other women- some part of his head would always be elsewhere. The present intimacy compromised by all the competing visions and scripts in his head. Add to this a niggling conscience that maybe he wasn't being fair to anyone in his life, and you hardly get simple sexual pleasure or a happy husband. Fidelity has its own rewards, and they include more than just avoiding ending up on the front page of the Enquirer or the subject of blistering attacks in the mass media. It is what you promised, and there is the pleasure of fulfilling your word. Furthermore, your feelings are focused, your energy is directed, and your issues have to be solved with the one person who holds the key to a harmonious and supportive relationship. It isn't easy for people with a heavy duty sex drive or an ego that needs confirmation from others, but when it's hard to do, it's all the more satisfying to accomplish. Failing to do so has inevitable costs. Perhaps the worst cost is the dilution of the relationship- your intimacy is necessarily diminished and your energies are necessarily scattered. That's why, I think, there are so few "open marriages" that last. So few people who can handle "swinging", and only a very small minority of people open up their relationship to polyamory (loving and having a sexual connection with more than one person in an honest relationship). It's not just that few partners will tolerate sharing the person they love; it's also because most people want to be faithful because it helps sustain and deepen a lifetime relationship. Furthermore, most people need to feel that they are uniquely loved and prioritized-if they love someone, they don't want to be one of two or three partners, even if the person in question is famous or rich. Sure there are exceptions. Watch Big Love on television and you can see how polygamy functions under a theological directive, but even in that religiously supportive framework, you can also see jealousy and jockeying for first position. Try non-monogamy outside of a religious community and the vast majority of people will experience heartbreak and relationship melt down. I think that most people are faithful, not because they were told to be, but because sooner or later, they learn that it works for them better than anything else. It turns out that fidelity is a worthy goal, even for a man who can have anyone. Of course Tiger Woods could go into a nightclub and come out with a sex partner- so could most Hollywood celebrities, CEOs, etc. But sooner or later, all those men (or women) want loyalty and love . And it isn't having ten lovers that makes that happen-it's fidelity with one."
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Post by geedee on Jan 22, 2010 11:10:39 GMT -8
took the words right out of my mouth again Primrose greta
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Post by primrose on Jan 22, 2010 13:33:34 GMT -8
We're lucky we know that! Shows that we love our husbands
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Post by searching4serenity on Feb 7, 2010 12:00:33 GMT -8
I am trying to understand my own version of a triangle and looking back how I could have done things differently? A little of my situation, I have had an on off, ten year relationship with a man, who I got back together with about a year ago. Around about the same time I met and fell in limerence with a woman at work. I knew from the start that this woman could be bad news in terms of my love addiction and very consciously attempted to avoid any emotional involvement with her. However, it is a very small workplace, she actively pursued me and despite my very best of intentions and self awareness, before I knew it I was already obsessed with her. I had no intention of having an affair with her, or betraying my partner. My way therefore of dealing with the situation was to throw my heart and soul into my relationship with my partner, making it very clear to this other women that I loved him and giving her no cause to think that I was in any way available. My other approach was to consciously hand things over to my HP. But the reality of my situation is that a year later I have woken up to the fact that my relationship with my partner was an addictive one, in which I have allowed him to repeatedly abuse me. My feelings for this other woman are as strong as ever, yet my recovery tells me that she is not healthy for me, so even though I am soon to be single, I will not be pursuing a relationship with her. So I am left here alone, wondering where I got it all so wrong and how I could have done things differently? Was my error to throw everything into being committed to my partner in order to stave off my feelings for this other woman? I now wonder if by trying to do the right thing by him, I ended up using him and our relationship to try and avoid the pain of my obsession with someone else? Thinking back I honestly feel that the only thing that I could have done differently, once I realised that I was not going to be to avoid my feelings for this women, was to have changed jobs .. but how realistic was that? If I hadn't meet her and developed feelings for her, would I ever have got back together again with my partner and endured another year of abuse from him? I feel that I have lost a lot from my experiences over the last year, despite trying desperately to do the right thing. My only hope left is to try and learn something from the situation and move on ... so if anyone can offer any insights I would be grateful - thanks!
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Post by primrose on Feb 8, 2010 0:39:09 GMT -8
Serenity, it sounds very complex and confusing, just reading your post I felt confused and had to read it again, so I can understand why you are so unsure about it all. I'm guessing that you weren't aware initially that your relationship was addictive, and now you do know. So it sounds like you have actually done a lot of growing emotionally to get to that place. Not to say it doesn't sound very painful to have been abused, but none the less, you've gone through a process with it and it sounds like you see the addictive pattern quite clearly now. Really committing to a relationship, not acting out on your limerance and praying to your HP is all great work, really. Think you should be proud of yourself for doing that. If it's turned out that your relationship wasn't right, that doesn't make you a failure, perhaps you seeing what you now see makes you ending it, a success. I really relate to your long term obsession. I have that too. The last time I slipped (I spoke to my POA in november) even though we haven't seen each other in 2 years, it was exactly the same. That was painful for me to admit to myself because other people in recovery get over their POAs, they see them in the street and feel nothing. And here am I, really working the programme and 2 years later, not a lot has changed in terms of how addicted I am (ok EVERYTHING has changed as I don't act out my addiction, but the torch is still there) So what I mean is that just because you're still in limerance doesn't mean necessarily that you're doing anything wrong. If you're acting out, that's one thing and you may need stronger bottom lines around your contact with her, but still being addicted after a long period may just mean you're a torchbearer. I don't know, but maybe you're in pain because your situation is painful, you're blaming yourself because hey that's what people like us do and you just need to grieve and be kind to yourself and in a bit of time you'll have more clarity. Big hug to you for it all though. Best. Primrose.
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Post by Rilly on Feb 8, 2010 7:33:03 GMT -8
It isn't our POA's bad qualities that we obsess about. It is those qualities that fit into our fantasy. Those things are are appealing and attractive to us, or the things we emotionally connect to. My POA was beautiful, easy to talk to, talented, fun. I was seeing what I wanted to see. I wanted it to be wonderful. I loved the intrigue and the romance.
But her marriage was terrible. Her husband was miserable and lonely. She was selfish and dishonest. When she sent me emails, she misspelled most of her words. She had very little education and experience. And she was very shallow.
My wife, in contrast, was very caring, generous, intelligent, beautiful, kind, fun, funny, honest.
There is no way my wife would ever do the deceitful, selfish things that my POA did to her husband.
So this shows the insanity of love addiction. How is it that I was so obsessed about my POA? The things I was obsessed about weren't the bad things about her. I was living in a fantasy. It was an escape. It wasn't real. As soon as I focused on the person that she really was, and the reality of what I was doing, I stopped feeling obsessed with her. When an obsessive thought started surfacing, I would force myself to concentrate on her disgusting qualities. If she made her husband so miserable and cheated on him, she would only do the same to me! Wake up! This isn't real. This is insane! She was not REALLY a nice person. ... really. She put on a facade, and would create the aura of wonderful.
In short, losing the feelings for a POA requires an epiphany.
Rilly
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Post by jivamukti on Feb 15, 2010 0:58:01 GMT -8
It is sobering to wake up and see the truth of our POA's. I heard this weekend that my POA had cheated with his wifes best friend, (the one he dumped me for) and now the woman is claiming that he molested her, and is demanding money, and sueing them. Whoooo. I wonder how they are going to get out of this one. I didn't wish harm to my POA, but I wondered if someday one of his affairs might backfire on him. Well, it happened sooner then I thought. It made me so glad to be out of that crazee triangle, and in recovery. This weekend I listened to a comedian on HBO talk so casually about 3 ways, like it is so normal and healthy, and even common. The reality that sex and love are addictive substances is so out of the mass consciousness. This comedian even joked about Tiger Woods getting sex addiction councelling. I wonder what is normal. I do know that I am feeling much better after 5 months now of NC. I re-read my post above written when I fit found the sight and it is hard to believe it was me. I must admit that thinking about my POA in this situation brought up feelings of wanting to call him, and comfort him. Sick, yes, I never did. Allowing him the space to experience the consequences of his actions is the best and highest way. Remembering the bad things, and the truth of what this person has done (to me) is enough to keep me away, really. My POA is like a Tiger Woods...he has a great reputation in the community and many people love him for his good works and kind heart. That's the heard part for me. Sooner or later, the word gets out, and he just moves to another group of people that he can seduce or hypnotize.
Jivamukti
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 3:09:47 GMT -8
J and Primrose, my POA's wife discovered he had had an affair with another woman ( even if at that time he was actually having an internet affair with me) I was terribly sad for him and panicked as he was really so upset at the prospect of losing his kids. He couldn't even email me more than a few words. When she took him back, I was distraught cos it sounded as if he wanted to end it with me. His wife hadn't been in the picture up until then so I was very confused. we had one of our rare telephone conversations and he told me he had committed to his wife and promised her total honesty. After that call I broke down and that'ìs when I told my daughter who's 21 about my EMA. When my POA and I started talking again as friends a week or so later, I made a comment about how it was pointless talking about our feelings or the hurt as it was all over between us. I was gobsmacked when he said he thought we 'could still revel in the intensity of our relationship every so often'. Yup he sure sounded as if he had totally committed to his wife and had turned over a new leaf. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for this little sexually compulsive LA to fall back into her ol' ways either greta
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 6:00:43 GMT -8
yup primrose. hurrah for recovery!
It took me another 6 months to break away from him but so very glad I found this place and all of the people here.
greta
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 7:15:11 GMT -8
One more thing Primrose. When my POA got thrown out by his wife there was this terrible realisation for me that he woud suddenly be available and make demands of me I wouldn't be able to meet as I had never intended to wreck my marriage. Scared the sh** out of me. So don't worry about the 'what ifs'. We both know you and I were looking for men so far away from our own reality precisely because they were 'safe'. If your POA had been divorced when you got back in touch you would probably just have scarpered because from what you've said before it didn't sound as if you ever really wanted him to be your life partner I don't think I would ever have let mine into my life in the first place if he hadn't been married . As a matter of fact I didn't get hooked until he said he would never leave his wife . His marriage may have been 'dead' at the time but as far as I was concerned that kept me 'out of real trouble'. Good ol' Hollywood script in my head again. greta
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Post by primrose on Feb 15, 2010 10:00:36 GMT -8
Yes, you're very right. I couldn't be a mistress if he didn't have a wife and I never wanted to be his wife. But I'm sure i'd still be involved if it weren't for recovery. I was hooked on the unavailability, and someone who lives on the other side of the world doesn't really need a wife to be unavailable!
I'm glad that's behind me, so glad. What madness it was. Do you think there's a direct correlation between how unavailable our POAs were and how unavailable we were to ourselves in active addiction? In that were true, I would have been 10,000 miles away from my true self. Sadly, it sounds about right! Best. P.
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Post by geedee on Feb 15, 2010 11:37:55 GMT -8
well I didn't recognise myself at all when I was involved with my POA so your description sounds pretty accurate to me too. 10,000 miles away from my true self.
Now I'm in recovery I have to find out who the real greta is. I'm only just getting to know her.
I have a very clear idea of what I was running away from considering how unmanageable my life at home gets at times. Now the question is where do I go from here?
greta
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Post by miztex on Feb 15, 2010 13:15:03 GMT -8
In an early moment of telephone intrigue with my POA, my H called to say nothing more than that he loved me. I put my POA on hold, took the call, then went back to POA. I said "It was my H" and POA said "Everything o.k.?" I said "He called to say he loved me." Long silence. then he said "Oh" and more long silence. I said "I feel guilty." He said "I suppose I should feel guilty, but I don't." That disturbed me at the time. I remember thinking "That's really cold of him" but it didn't fit my fantasy of him as a nice guy, so I ignored it. I think my HP was trying to "ping" me, but I didn't listen. Thank God I finally did. But I took so long and so much damage has been done. Mostly to me and my family. He goes on as usual. His wife never knew about me. Sometimes I wish she did. When I want to hurt him(when I am angry and hurting) I want to tell her. But most of the time, I want her to know because I want to warn her to get that child away from him. Not my problem anymore, but the burden of the knowledge remains forever. I hope I hear someday that they divorced. But I don't want him. No way. Never did. Just wanted him to want me. Sick.
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Post by miztex on Feb 15, 2010 13:23:21 GMT -8
J and Primrose, I was gobsmacked when he said he thought we 'could still revel in the intensity of our relationship every so often'. Yup he sure sounded as if he had totally committed to his wife and had turned over a new leaf. My POA was not as eloquent as yours, but the idea was the same. He said "Maybe we can "help" each other out." Yeah, right. On the phone only, in fantasyland, leaving me physically frustrated and emotionally dumped on. I took his crumbs and ate off the floor like a dog.
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Post by jivamukti on Feb 15, 2010 21:13:26 GMT -8
I hear you Miztex, I have been there, and we don't have to settle for crumbs on the floor anymore>>>.those days are gone! So glad you're here. Blessings...
Jivamukti
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Post by wendyswoes on Mar 7, 2010 18:20:08 GMT -8
I am so relieved that I found this site. I have posted in the new member forum, but found this link and feel this might be a more appropriate place to post. I am worried however that this will keep the wound fresh and not allow my heart to heal.
I have been married for 8 years. From our first date, we took off running, meeting family right away, moving in together within weeks, engaged in 6 months and married within 18 months. I was a true LA, just out of a relationship with an alcoholic, that was not interested in marrying me or starting a family. I wanting a man, any man to love me. My husband,unstable and needing someone to love. In hindsight a bad combination for starting a new relationship. Prior to getting married I had a one-night stand with a guy friend. Indicator #1, that we should probably not get married. He dabbling in internet sex sites--Indicator #2. We married anyway, getting passed both of our infidelities. I can't say that our marriage was perfect, but we seemed happy, at least from the outside looking in. BUT, what people, family/friends didn't know was that in order for us to be together we both HAD to change who we were as individuals. I didn't like who he was; his appearance, him being unstable and financially insecure. He not liking me; being independent and strong. So WE changed..right/wrong/or indifferent..we changed.
Our intimacy and passion always felt lacking for what ever reason. But we obviously both felt it because 5 years later WE decided to get involved in the LS (lifestyle) or swinging. This added a spark to our relationship and increasing our sexual intimacy for each other. However, just like any drug..the boundaries became broader and broader testing the limits of our relationship. I needed more, he needed more..this became an addiction in itself. Before long we had many many sexual partners outside our marriage which started taking away from the intimacy we would share together.
I am not surprised that it would eventually happen..it could have happened to either one of us. Triangles are never planned, they just happen. I saw a man 3 years ago at a party...a gorgeous man, that intrigued me. I did not approach him, just admired him from afar, then I started seeing him at random events and parties. Eventually I said something to catch his attention. I started hearing more and more stories about how great his "skills" were. So the anticipation of finally hooking up with him, was an adrenaline rush in itself. He and I hooked up on occasional, nothing out of the ordinary for the LS. Then we started talking, building a friendship of sorts. He went out of town and called me often which I found odd.."why me, why him" Both had a list of lovers that we saw..why did we stop at each other? The more we saw each other, the more we talked, the more we realized the implications that this affair was going to have on all 3 of us. This was about the time I hit bottom. I cried a lot and often. I cried when I was with my husband and I cried when I was with my POA. I felt guilty; guilty for loving another man, guilty for wanting to leave my husband and family for this man. He (POA) stated from the beginning he and I wouldn't nor couldn't last, that the affair would be over within 6 months, he didn't want to be the other man, nor wanted to be the man that destroyed a marriage. I soon realized that my POA was a narcissist, it was always about him, it was always at his convenience, on his terms..except for the times I would show up unannounced to make me feel in control and empowered.
Key word is "WAS"..It has been 10 days of NC. Not because of my lack of trying, but his lack of accepting. Until now...(Once I found this site) I made the choice to stop trying to even contact him. It took months of trying to end the affair on both parts. But he has finally made the choice to really end it and let me go..and I need to become strong, accept it and move on because it is ultimately the best thing for "ME".
While in this affair, I started to question my identity, my authentic self and my role in my dysfunctional marriage. My husband's codependent behavior and obsession with controlling me for 8 years and my feelings of resentment toward him has made it difficult to want to stay.
I am not sure if it was the affair that made me doubt my life and marriage, or my life and marriage that led me to the affair. Can these behaviors on both sides be corrected? Can we get passed this chapter of our lives with our marriage intact? Can we both change again as we did in the beginning, learn and grow from this horrible experience?
Comments are very welcome.....
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Post by primrose on Mar 9, 2010 1:49:48 GMT -8
Hi wendswoes, if you post in the newcomers forum more people will see your posts. If you want to work an LAA programme you'll have to give up all triangles, so that means not just a significant lover, but all extra marital relationships. Read all you can here and see if LAA is for you. Best. Primrose.
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Post by jivamukti on Mar 9, 2010 12:18:57 GMT -8
Dear Wendy, I find your post intriguing, because I am surrounded by these LS groups, and although everyone seems happy and congenial, I have wondered if they are not groups that sanction and shelter sex addicition for sex addicts. I guess it was a matter of time that you became involved in someone that broke your heart. I have no judgement of your groups, or your actions, please understand that...I have always been a one person at a time lover. The triangle I was involved in was secret and dark, not in the open like your triangle. Maybe you should take a break from this group, Wendy,as well as your POA and get to know you again. You are more then just your sexual urges. It is obvious you love your family, and you realize this something you could loose. When I did a NC with my POA, it also included a NC with all of the friends and groups we were in together. That was hard, because, he continued on in the groups, and it was I who chose the recovery route. Anyway, ultimately life is about YOU, and your responsibility to yourself. Prayers and blessings to you, dear one. Keep posting and keep talking...we are here for you.
Jivamukti
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Post by wendyswoes on Mar 9, 2010 21:19:31 GMT -8
Now that I have started on the path of recovery I too am having doubts about the LS, my acquaintances and people that we have met relating to sexual addiction. My husband and I have stepped back in regards to the LS. Neither are seeing anyone sexually as this would just compromise our recovery process. However, over time, I developed a major role in the LS, started a social group, and became a person everyone turned to to meet others in the LS world. I am having a harder time walking away from the acquaintances and the group I started then the sexual partners I have acquired.
We both know that this chapter of our lives has to come to an end and very soon. We are currently in counseling, he is attending a coda group and I starting a SLAA group. I have taken the steps to not only understand why I am the way I am, get clarification and guidance, but to become a healthier person in healthier sexual and intimate relationships, whether or not that is with my husband at this time..I really don't know. We have a very long road ahead of us. But we are trying, we have realized the fact that as individuals we both have issues we are going to have to work on in order to save our marriage. Thank you for your honest response. Ww
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Post by primrose on Mar 11, 2010 10:52:25 GMT -8
Hi Wendy, that's great that you've started SLAA, if you read the literature you'll get a deeper understanding of the subtle forms of triangulation in relationships like sexual intrigue and how it can keep you high and not in your real feelings. I found it very helpful to let go of that, so it may help with letting go of the social aspect of your groups. flirting can be just as addictive as sex. I used intrigue when I was a lot younger to get high as I didnt really like sex much. Very best with your recovery and mutual recovery with your husband. P.
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spaceodyssey
Junior Member
Where there's a Will, there's a way.
Posts: 53
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Post by spaceodyssey on Apr 20, 2010 4:44:16 GMT -8
This is my story..
I am involved in a love triangle. I am a male identified transgender female who is involved with a married woman. We had started against my better judgment to see each other a few months into her marriage. It was like so many other affairs, it was instantaneous. The mutual attraction is off the charts and we seem to have that special connection. I saw all the red flags and continue to do so and yet I still stay.
A brief history.. In the fourteen months we have been I guess you could call it dating, she has moved out from her husband 3 times and yes back again. Her being from a very small town and being very close to her religious family who absolutely do not agree with her decisions, she uses that as her excuse as why she goes back to him. She says that it is hard to be labeled the “lesbian” in town and to have her parents hold ill feelings towards her. She says it is easier just to stay nights at her husbands, because of course to her she is not living there. Easier because her family and everyone else accepts her. Throughout the months, some of her actions had led me to believe that perhaps we did indeed share something special and that her intensions were true. She has exposed me to her family, holidays, family dinners, etc. I thought to myself, well she is not hiding me therefore she must be really trying and I should allow her time to figure it all out. Well, she has been “staying” with her husband for the last three months and in that time we barely see each other anymore. She is constantly lying to me with excuse after excuse as to why she cant see me. I have caught her in so many of these tales. She is insistent that she is going to divorce him and that she cant imagine her life without me and she wants nothing more than to end all the drama and be with me. She cries and looks me dead in the face and tells me she is going to be with me. I fall for it every time.
I know that what I am involved in is so wrong on so many levels. I know that even if she got divorced tomorrow and we made a go at it that it is never going to work. I know we are broken and that we were never really real, however I am still in it. I am having a very difficult time doing what I need to do for me and let go. I understand that in my staying I am saying to her, ok, ill lie down here while you walk all over me. I realize I would never be able to trust her and yet, all I want is her. I realize this is my problem and I am the only one who can do anything about it and I guess the fact that I am here and telling my story is my first attempt at doing something for myself. I am taking the first steps in realizing that I may have a problem with being addicted to her or at least what void she seems to fill. It’s hard and I look forward to exploring this site and hopefully learn new coping skills, gain support and hopefully someday be in a position to offer wisdom to someone else in need. My goal is to discover more about myself and discover why I have been taking the hard road. I truly want to rid myself of this toxic relationship and heal the wounds inside me so that in the next chapter in my life my choices and judgment will lead me down the right path.
Thank you
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Post by lotus on Apr 20, 2010 8:41:32 GMT -8
You're right, you are taking the first step! As you focus on yourself and recovery you will find a strength that will slowly bring you out of the mess that you are in. Be patient, celebrate every step in the right direction and don't be too hard on yourself for steps backwards. Welcome!
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spaceodyssey
Junior Member
Where there's a Will, there's a way.
Posts: 53
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Post by spaceodyssey on Apr 20, 2010 10:08:01 GMT -8
Thank you for your kind words and welcome.
I realize that even though this is indeed my first step I realize how much of a baby step it is leading up to the one and only final step, walking away completely.
I see the pattern of my addiction. I see her, I feel bliss. Her eyes and words yet again turn me into a believer. It fills me up and gives me purpose. When she leaves those feelings linger on but as time passes until our next encounter, all the doubt that comes with being involved with someone who is married slowly creeps its way in. I start wondering why has she not called me back yet? Why couldn’t she come see me today? Is she really with who she says she is? I get anxious. My senses go on high alert and now I scrutinize every detail of her actions and as I do reality becomes more clear. She is lying to me. She does not love me, I mean nothing to her. She is married and has not intension of anything different. Depression and loneliness starts to tear a hole in my stomach. Intuition is yelling in my face and the fear of loosing her from my life turns into such unbearable pain so I choose to ignore the facts and reach out to her. Doing my fair share of manipulation, being once again the patient and caring lover I will do all I can to feel her love for me again. Even ignore my own needs. She comes to see me. The reality of the situation becomes too much to ignore now and even though she is in my presence, I have a hard time overlooking her actions and we start fighting. I, everything in short of begging, ask her to tell me the truth. If she only looked in my eyes and told me she does not love me or not enough anyway to leave her life and join mine, I would leave. But I think what I am really looking for, the addiction part, is exactly what she gives me every time and why I keep coming back, she insists she loves me and insists she wants nothing more than to be with me and how she is so in love with me. It works every time. I am again refueled. I feel comfort in the fact that she wants me. It feels good, but not for long and the cycle begins again.
I am not dismissing the importance of my first baby step, just know I have a long road ahead. I am truly committed to trying to change my perception and distinguish between what is reality and what is fantasy. What is good for me and what is not. I honestly want to stop the cycle and rid myself of her, but in fairness to honesty, I don’t know how. There are times when I feel ready, and then times when I don’t. It at the times when I am feeling the lowest and is the worst time to do so, but somehow I manage to seek her out. It’s a desperate act, I know this, but when one is in their lowest the will to stay strong is amazingly difficult.
Thank you for letting me post here. I will linger around and educate myself further in hopes that by my next post I will be a little stronger for that next step.
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Post by primrose on Apr 20, 2010 12:03:07 GMT -8
Hi! Welcome, if you post in newcomers more people will respond to your posts. Read all you can and write all you can, it really helps. Primrose.
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