Chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
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Post by Chrissy on Jan 3, 2009 7:18:12 GMT -8
Loving turns into loving too much when your partner is inappropriate, uncaring, or unavailable, and yet you cannot give him up-in fact you want him, you need him even more...
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Post by not2bforgot10x on Jul 29, 2011 6:47:09 GMT -8
See, to me, there's a "baseline" behavior, which includes 5 things: 1. Honesty, 2. Respect, 3. Communication, 4. Accountability, and 5. Commitment. I did not know this (these standards) before being in this relationship, and likely the other past relationships I've been in. It was through these relationships lacking this stuff that I realized I deserve it. To say the least, because I didn't know about these 5 things and that I deserved that, I tolerated a lot of unhealthy, inappropriate behavior.
Now, here's the trap... I am still involved with the person who has displayed the opposite of these behaviors, ie: unavailable, double-standards, push/pull, lack of empathy, selfish, etc., in that I am in a really dependent situation. I went from living my own life, healthy in Burlington, Vermont, to living (having) no life in Philadelphia with her and her dysfunctional family. So we are not "together" (in a relationship) anymore, but I am physically living with her and her abusive father.
The solution seems simple: “Just leave!” It’s easier said than done. I am having a terrible time getting myself out of this dependent, isolated, abusive, and toxic situation and getting myself back to a healthy environment. I don't need any solutions, because I know that what I need to do is quite simple, and that's get a job and LEAVE, but it's easier said than done, because I am wanting to hang onto the relationship somehow, and I am afraid that if I go back to Burlington I am going to be super depressed and will have regrets (internalized shame) about things not working out with the partner.
Burlington is a really healthy place and probably the best place for me, but I don’t want to have to walk away from here again, from this person/environment, etc. and try and “start over” for the first time and deal with living life and grieving at the same time.
I graduated college 2 years ago, and since, have worked part-time dead-end jobs and nothing steady because I’ve been so carried away and preoccupied with this dysfunctional relationship. I’ve basically been so focused on avoiding the shame that this Passive-aggressive/BPD/Avoidant/Narcissistic/Push/Pull woman has brought about that I’ve been unable to focus on living my own life. She has lied, emotionally cheated, walled off, porn addiction, etc. more times than I can count, and I still seem unable to get it through my thick head (denial?) that she cannot provide a healthy relationship, or moreover, get up the courage (legs) to walk away.
Thoughts/Advice?
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Post by Iamawomanallbymyself on May 26, 2019 4:22:57 GMT -8
I have been there. I have left the situations when it got unbearable for me. Also my partners rejected me so much that I found the courage to break away and live my life without them. Now it's 5 months I broke away from my last obsession. Last week I contacted him for making amends and tell him that I stopped drinking and having sex, and that I will have sex only in a committed relationship. I actually found the courage to ask him if he was able to give me back the money I borrowed him but he didn't reply at all. I didn't try to call him but much probably he would not take the call. Well I will see. I don't want to fight with this person and if he is not willing I am powerless over it.
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Post by Sexlessw on May 25, 2020 3:53:22 GMT -8
Take his lack of response to your request to pay you back as his answer. The only answer silence can receive is silence. Then file him under "Part of the Past and Moving THROUGH Life Healthy."
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