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Post by estrela5 on Jan 7, 2009 17:24:06 GMT -8
''Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless. Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation. These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain. Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings. We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life. We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us. Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings. Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.'' |
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Post by LovingGracefully on Jan 7, 2009 21:49:30 GMT -8
Oh boy! Do I wish I would have read this last year! There's a lot of tools I wish I had inside myself but boy, this is the part that continues to haunt me.
I will eventually forgive myself for all that I said to him but I can tell you that it still continues to nauseate me when I think of how cruel and spiteful my words were. I hurt so bad I wanted him to hurt as much.
It's something I won't ever likely do again in my life. It has been a lesson...a BIG lesson for me to learn. It's already been almost an entire year and my actions and my words back then are still as sharp and cut-throat as when they actually exited my mouth.
If there's one time I'd like to do a do-over it would certainly be taking my pride, my thoughts and my pain with me when I left him. I had to hurt but I could have done it a lot more gracefully. I believe that this was the lowest I have behaved in my entire life. It certainly is the most regretful.
Even as I spewed these weapons out of my mouth I knew I was better than that...but, I couldn't stop myself. Had I known how much regret there would be and the pain of my actions would be so haunting...I would have likely made different choices...at least I'd like to think I would have!
Thanks for this post even if it's again resurrected some atrocious feelings.
LovingGracefully
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Post by Judy on Jan 8, 2009 10:20:44 GMT -8
lg - You wrote my experience. So much of what you wrote is just how I feel today. I acted out in the workplace years ago and it is probably the top situation in my life that I regret the most.. I knew when I was doing it it was wrong (I had been in 12 step rooms for 17 yrs!) but I could not stop myself. I got on that slippery slope of self pity and I flew - taking everything and everyone along with me.
I know now that I was SO hurt, so angry, so incredulous that this man who I had loved so much, and who I felt at least owed me some kind of courtesy, would turn around and hurt me as he did.
It turned into your typical workplace drama with accusations flying, gossip galore, feelings hurt, and on and on. In a million years I NEVER would have thought I would EVER be the cause or participant in such a scene. But I am a love addict and it was time to bottom out.
It has taken 6 years to amend my behavior in the organization I work for, and to the man involved. I do not mean that I grovel or act like a doormat (which I did PRIOR to all this). I mean that with all the dignity I can muster I act appropriately and professionally, mind my business (or try!), and try to be one among many.
I, too, believe that I will NEVER go down that road again. It was a VERY difficult lesson to learn. I, too, wish I could have taken my hurt and anger OUT of the workplace and dealt with it appropriately.
But I didn't know what I didn't know.
I am just grateful I can go back to that place and enjoy myself with my head high and my priorities in order.
And you know, I realize that there are people out there who have committed far worse transgressions (or crimes) out of the same anger and desire for revenge. I am grateful that I do not have THAT burden to carry. I don't know that I could. And I have a great deal of compassion for those who are in that sort of predicament.
Thanks!
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Post by LovingGracefully on Jan 8, 2009 18:07:59 GMT -8
Yes, Judy, when I have read your other posts I hear in your tone how bad it was at your office back then. I know that feeling well. I didn't do it "publicly" per se, however, I had many people that had to endure and share in the aftermath of my mess. I guess that is a little public. I should have taken my ball and gone home when he wasn't playing nicely!
I felt like an atomic bomb had been set off...and the energy and wave lengths that kept destroying everything in its path are still greatly in effect in a lot of ways. I guess I'll call them "after shocks".
I'm so ashamed of what I did and said during that time that I'm not sure how to forgive myself. I'm assuming it will happen through a natural progression of the healing I'm involved with but for now it still stings of the same pain.
When I was saying and doing all those awful things back then I wanted to say the opposite of what was coming out of my mouth. I loved him but instead of saying that I said (well, let's just keep it clean and it was a lot worse than you can imagine)! I was screaming out horrific things for over one month straight...everyday. I have sort of a unique circumstance but let me tell you...I don't know how anyone would have endured it. Now, looking back, it was my fault in so many respects that I stayed even though it's really hard to explain.
I have apologized to him after he initiated contact right after it happened. When he responded he didn't mention anything about it...or us...or if he hurt...or anything. He's not once asked me how I have been or if I'm alright. That's okay today but I had a hard time coming to that conclusion for a long time.
I am sorry for what I said and how I think it made him feel. I am sorry that I didn't walk away when I should have. I am sorry that what came out of my mouth wasn't a representation of how I want to be remembered. I didn't hate him but I was scared and so very tragically heartbroken. I lashed out and I'm paying the price. I'm not saying that he's not responsible for his actions but I was absolutely responsible for my reactions, my actions and my behavior. I'm ashamed to say that I acted horribly and I hope to learn to forgive myself some day.
I get what you went through, Judy. I have often thought about that when I read your posts. I know you would absolutely take it back if you could. Wouldn't that be a great gift? Awe...too bad it's impossible. What is possible is never repeating it again.
I have to say that I am grateful to have had that experience...even though that's pretty tough to muster up and say....but I'm grateful that I hit my bottom and found help. I'm sorry that I hurt him and I hope he knows that. I have said it to him again and again. It's not my business what he feels about me, that time, or if he's forgiven me or not. That's hard to say too!
Thanks for understanding, Judy! I won't do it again if you won't! Deal? Deal!
Much love,
LovingGracefully
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Post by so confused on Feb 2, 2009 9:57:59 GMT -8
Dear Loving Gracefully,
I love your saying "I should have taken my ball and gone home if he wasn't playing nicely".
I love that analogy. Probably because all these feelings developed when we were kids and we act them out as adults. How come some kids know to take their balls and go home though. I guess those are the kids that have their self-esteem at a young age.
Anyway that saying made me smile and they aren't coming easily these days. Thanks!
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Post by Judy on Feb 2, 2009 10:16:37 GMT -8
Hi lg and sc - lg - I don't think I read the last post back when you wrote it. I just read it now.
I'll bet your guy knows that you were sorry. I know when I acted out it was because I was hurt beyond measure and I did not have the maturity or mental health or self-respect and self-esteem to handle it any other way. The pain was so great.
It's taken many years and lots of soul searching to come to terms with how I acted. And honestly, I cringe sometimes, but I think I've forgiven myself. Everyday that I can act appropriately and with grace takes away a bit of the sting from the past. Today is what counts. I know the guy I was involved wtih knows that I am sorry. Not because we've ever spoken about what happened - but because of the way I have conducted myself over the past couple of years.
I don't have to grovel today. I made some mistakes. We all do. I think part of forgiving oneself is to hold one's head high and carry on and do the best we can.
And every day I pray and pledge to not act-out with love addicted behavior. It feels so good when I don't. So, yes, it's a deal!
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