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Post by estrela5 on Jan 27, 2009 2:57:00 GMT -8
We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.
If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the law that is there for me.
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seekingserenitynow
Full Member
 
3rd time with No Contact is feeling better every day. The obsessing is cooling WAY down. :)
Posts: 194
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Post by seekingserenitynow on Apr 26, 2010 22:46:39 GMT -8
This is really beautiful and touching. 
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Post by geedee on Apr 27, 2010 0:58:08 GMT -8
Yes I agree SSN. Hope lots of people read this today.
We are in the same boat regarding neediness.
But we also run the risk of going in completely the opposite direction...
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Post by caroclean on Jun 22, 2011 9:57:39 GMT -8
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Post by tizzy on Jun 23, 2011 7:28:47 GMT -8
This post really resonates with me.
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Post by Freetolive on Jun 23, 2011 13:08:58 GMT -8
Thanks for refreshing this post. I needed to read it. But how will we newcomers start? Hopefully i can trust God will show me through you guys and the books i'm reading.
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on Jun 24, 2011 20:11:54 GMT -8
I don't want to need anyone. I would rather isolate, sometimes. No hope, no disappointment.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 30, 2011 23:51:16 GMT -8
I resonate with the polar opposites described here, of neediness and then cutting off and isolating. It's very frightening for me to feel a need for anyone, and I almost never let myself, except for my father and my PoA ex. For whom I have pine-d. This year I stopped the pine-ing for my dad when I realised he is incapable of intimacy. I saw today that he is an avoidant, who pulls me in by sharing Way Too Much with me when we see each other for a few days a year, and then doesn't contact me for months and months on end afterwards. I always wondered how that could be OK for him. Now I know, he operates like that, he is comfortable that way. It is really painful to want more from him. And now I know I need to put up boundaries with him when he tries to share more than is OK for me. dorkestbeforedawn, I think you are settling for a safe but empty world if you isolate yourself. I would rather risk myself with people who seem to be there for the trip, even if it turns out they're not. I've been there before and I know how to look after myself now, at least I'm learning. cheers jg
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Post by Freetolive on Jul 1, 2011 2:12:40 GMT -8
I get close, then go away. So I'm hopeing to allow God and the steps to change this. I lost a friend two days ago and we had slipped apart from each other. I hate that. So I hope to reach out to friends more.
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Post by liveandlearn on Jul 1, 2011 18:17:27 GMT -8
I can definitely relate. I generally keep people at a distance and dismiss many potential friendships before they even have a chance to start. I've spent most of my life, including my childhood, being overly independent.
However, in the case of my POA, I flipped to the other extreme. I became extremely needy and completely dependent on her.
It's interesting how we can flip from one extreme to the other. The challenge is to find a balance in the middle!
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Post by Freetolive on Jul 1, 2011 18:38:30 GMT -8
A close friend died Wednesday. I am a pall barrier tomorrow. I realized that we hadn't talked in over a year. We were keeping in contact, but then school started and then the relationship, he had a relationship. So we lost contact.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 1, 2011 20:45:47 GMT -8
Sorry about your loss freetolive. Good luck with the funeral, hope you find a way to honour what was special to you about your friend. It seems like you are just realising you had something special with them.
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Post by fufill on Apr 13, 2015 17:03:05 GMT -8
Estrela 5.... thanks for sharing. Balance is what I need instanst of going to both extremes.
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