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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 12, 2009 12:56:45 GMT -8
Once I broke through my denial and identified what had happened to me and what I had done to myself and others, I began talking about it. At some point, I also began writing about what had happened. However, I was still unable to feel very much at this point, so my writing was very analytical. This was my way of recognizing the pain but not feeling it.
After some time, the dam burst and all of my painful feelings about the past came rushing forth. At first I was angry. Then I was overwhelmed with sadness. For me, these feelings would come and go, but every time I discovered something new, or I realized how much I had been wounded in the past, I faced my feelings and had a good cry. I cried a lot.
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Post by kathie on Feb 12, 2009 19:43:36 GMT -8
Hi Susan - Great topic!
I struggle with feeling the feelings often. I have made progress but I am not where I want to be yet.
When I entered my first 12-step program (AA), I started dating someone within two months of entering the program. I had no idea why I was not supposed to date anyone due to "selective hearing". I was still in that "just showing up everyday and trying to understand what everyone was talking about" mode and enjoying the fellowship. Finally I was no longer alone.
The relationship was destined for failure from the start though it took me a long time to see that to be true. She dumped me and my world imploded. Emotions just started coming out of my pours. It scared me to death. I spent 8 weeks crying my eyes out, unable to eat, isolating from family and friends, unable to work, or sleep. Just bent over in pain. I thought I was having a breakdown of some sort. I really thought it was all about being dumped, but I see now that it was all the things I had been stuffing was coming to the surface.
I am learning that feeling the feelings is (at least in my case) an adventure into the unknown. It is becoming a learned behavior for me. I used alcohol to turn off or stuff my emotions starting about a year after my mother died.
I sometimes have to wait a day or two to figure out what is going on inside of me. Thankfully my therapist knows me really well and many times I will ask her to help me determine what I am feeling. It takes her no time at all, which gets frustrating that at times I can not do that myself.
Sorry ... I didn't mean to ramble on about this - it just is such an interesting topic for me to hear about.
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Feb 13, 2009 3:41:03 GMT -8
I remember when my therapist mentioned that crying would not kill me....that was a revelation of sorts...I had always been stoic in my pain not allowing others to see my weak or vulnerable..I was afraid if I started crying I would never stop....
When I was able to feel the feelings and process it and not allow it consume me I started healing...for me it was always one extreme...distant into my head and depressed..
I have been able finally verbalize and recognize the past and feel it and be able to not to live in that moment for too long.
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Post by Judy on Feb 13, 2009 11:21:33 GMT -8
Yes, this is at the crux of recovery, isn't it? Feeling those feelings and NOT acting out.
That's where meetings, sponsors, support peers, reading, PRAYING, meditating, therapy, exercise, sleep, all come in. And anything else that helps us feel the feelings, process them, and eventually get through them.
As painful as it can be sometimes I think the process is profound.
When an addict has an uncomfortable feeling - much less a really painful one - and doesn't act out?
That's what saints are made of.
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