How do you get un-needy

Hi presence...I know what u mean about what is it about your Poa..that caused you to be addicted to him especially when you don't believe that your are that 'needy' of a person.

I totally understand you...I went thru a long period of time (just like you) years of NOT having anybody and I was fine. There was no obsession, no nothing. I mean, I mite have a tendency to hold on to people but once their are certain red flag signs..I tend to let go.

I've wonder what it is about my Poa that caused me to be so 'addictive' to him. He really not that good looking....but he had a certain charm to him, (a certain confidence) that really drew me in NOT like most people did.

I remember being in class and HIM coming to me and talking to me... caused me to have this 'high' feeling that I've NEVER gotten before ...and I repeat NEVER gotten before.

I'm like you... in that I don't fall for people that easily..and I'm quite picky..sometimes too picky for my own good. People always told me "Lisa, if u weren't so picky...you would have been married by now." and I do agree with them.

But to tell you the truth I have 2 sides to me, I have this one side where I'm kind of a codependent love addict (this is with my last poa) and I have a side where I'm a seductive witholder...and most of the time I believe I'm a seductive witholder..(fear of commitments) sort of people.

I think the main thing about my Poa that have always kept me in the 'wing' was that he was the ONLY person whom 'never' let me go. Others in the hand...wanted intimacy from me and wanted me to want them, but I just couldn't do it. I've always had trust issues with people.

My Poa 'never' let me go and it makes my addiction for him a lot worse. We both feed off one another..and we both get a 'high' from one another. He's a narcissistic love addict who plays with people's emotions and I became the codependent love addict towards him...it was such a toxic cycle full of hurts and resentments.

My point is I never saw myself being 'addicted' to anyone because I always pride myself in being so independent and that I didn't 'need' anyone. But in reality...I did 'need' someone but I had to be sure it is coming from the right place and that is a healthy place.

I didn't see this for a long time. I'm glad I did though. You are so right though---the shame and pushing the neediness down just makes it stronger.

Somehow this ought to be like a food addiction. With alcohol addiction you just give it up. Food addiction you can't. YOu have to know its okay to eat food, and even want sweets etc. But thinking about prohibiting all food--kills you. And thinking about prohibiting the good stuff makes you want the good stuff (sweets) even more.

Needs. I have needs and I can't live my life without them anymore than I can food. What's the equivalent...consuming what's good for me in the realm of needs. Is that just accepting that I have them? Or is it being sad that they aren't being met from time to time but not obsessing, not wallowing.

Letting the sadness come. That sounds right...I don't know. I can't feel anything about it right now. Numbed out lately.

Anyway. Thanks. And hugs to all that need them.


Presence

This is what I have found out for me. I had to do the 12 steps. It was essential to understand and own my part in all of this. I am a Human Being. I had to wake up the Being part of that statement. I'm no longer a Human Doing. No longer just an Earthling.

I also studied the Ego for many years. Only the Ego can struggle. The soul lives in ease and joy. Having had a spiritual awakening is what makes me capable of accepting my neediness or my sorrow, all and any emotions. They are just emotions. They come and go. This too shall pass. How important is it? They are what they are. I accept them all. I allow them all. I can now feel my emotions. My job is to create space around them. Do not identify with them. Do not create a story around them. Do not go pour me, blah blah. Surrounding my non peace with peace undoes the tension the struggle. Surrendering. Step 1. Then I let them go to a God of my understanding. I try many different tools. I have a whole support network from calling my sponsor to listening to Eckhart Tolle on tape, to going to a meeting, to meditating, to prayer, to exercise. Following my breath, especially belly breathing helps to stabilize any ego tricks that are being attempted by my pain body.

here are some more notes I was reading today. They are taken from a bunch of different books mostly meditation magic by Anami. I hope you enjoy them and feel inspired and less needy after reading them. I know I sure did after typing them. nighty night.

"Those who chose medications lose their ability to experience ecstacy naturally. Those who chose the path of ego cause energy to ascend the left or right handed paths (ida or pingda) causing various psychic illnesses and delusions. The middle path (the shushumna) is the way of balance. Energy flows up gracefully. Emotions and mind are transmuted into their divine potential. Alchemists flow with this current by nurturing humility. The learn daily from mistakes and embrace change. They unravel the mystery of effortless awareness. With every breath they stoke the fires of transfiguration, the Kundalini, the Passion. If you can find love and joy in all situations, you are a good player. Act, speak and breathe as if you are an unlimited being of light. Feel how much energy you have."

"More powerful than positive thinking is a calm mind. More powerful than a calm mind is naked silence. Silence becomes our dearest friend to turn to in times of confusion. Silence guides us to act in Grace. Time stops. Magic happens. Trying to remain positive can be very stressful. You cannot take a belief or technique through the eye of a needle. There is a form of spiritual materialism - mistaking a useful technique for a cure - all and then marrying your identity to it.

"Are you willing to let go of everything that has safely held you and your reality together? past and future are the same. Dreams of the future are usually re-creations of failed aspirations. Deepness is not about abandoning the emotions. It is about becoming the emotions and allowing them to transform you into the lightness of pure being."

"All inner tension is a message to let go of something easily and immediately. Relax - enjoy - feel deeply. Every emotion is a doorway into a magical awakening."

"When you use the answer is within to meet all obstacles life is a blissful journey."

"To keep growing I had to embrace ALL life even those tender torturous moments of letting go."

" When I surrender to difficulties they become moments of transfiguration. Criticism if true can fee me even more. This is using psychic and creative energy to see the beam in my own eye rather than looking for specks in other people's eyes."

"In looking at my Self in others I am constantly humbled and exalted."

"If you know where your Heart is, you are always Home, you have Everything."

"Clear souls do not need to say much, their role is to allow others to hear their own thoughts and feel their own feelings. Seekers finally have a clear mirror to see who they are. Fears cannot be projected onto Nothingness. This scares people who are afraid to face their demons, for love brings to the surface everything that is not love."

"Wisdom is your radiance not the truth in your head. When you give up everything, you discover Everything. Within the soul is the whole universe."

"When you over-analyze the nature of your soul instead of enjoying and witnessing it energy turns to the lower chakras. When you uplift yourself, you draw up the Kundalini into the higher chakras. At the Crown chakra you experience the soul in its pure state beyond all dualities. Become silence and contemplate your unchangeable essence. Walk through your days feeling connected with everything and every person."

"Know that your openness will touch everyone, sometimes provoking tremendous fears within people. As soul, these responses do not diminish your serenity. You simply alchemize people's fears with love. By contemplating the timeless silence of your soul, you will not react to the chimera of everyday life."

"Go slowly, because if you go slowly, good things will come to you and you will walk to the end of the road in peace and happiness."

I am with all of you! I see myself as independent in some ways. I enjoy time alone and then it's as if the axes tilts. I am then needy and too ashamed to show it. Relationships tend to bring out the worst in me.
When the relationship ends I put myself on a self imposed restriction. No set date. .But no dating for sometime. This time I am making a conscious effort to `have a relationship with myself'. . To date myself, per se'. I've been posting here for the first time, doing a lot of reading and checked myself back into therapy. Thought this was all behind me.
Appears that I didn't learn the lesson the first few times

Wow, this thread is exactly what I was looking for. I'm grieving from a devastating break-up...my boyfriend (PoA) left me 5 weeks ago and I've been a mess, fell into a deep depression. I think I'm starting to heal, but there's a part of me that wants to jump right back in...I feel needy for a guy's attention and desperate for companionship...even though I know I haven't healed yet and I haven't learned how to love myself yet or be alone.

I'm scared I'm going to make a mistake...